Lost In Translation
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
I love to talk. Shocking, right? I love any sort of intellectually stimulating conversation. I love absolute goofball conversations. I still seem to have a difficult time verbally communicating what I mean. This happens a lot. Where I stumble the most is talking about how I feel, but I have a hard time with even the most mundane verbal communications.
This seems so strange to me because I clearly have no problem writing about just about anything, sometimes things other people would have a hard time writing about. I can write about my feelings and publish them on this blog with no problems at all. So, why it is so difficult for me to communicate verbally is extremely confusing and frustrating.
This problem rears its ugly head most in my marriage. Hubby is not normally a talker. He can go days (literally) without saying hardly anything at all. Other times, once he gets going on a particular subject, there’s no stopping him. Being completely neurotic, when he is silent for long periods of time, I naturally assume that something is wrong, that he is hiding something from me or that he’s afraid to tell me something. Even though I know, from over 22 years of experience, that this is just how he rolls, I still assume the worst. What, you mean you wouldn’t?! 
We had a mundane miscommunication yesterday. He had somewhere to go last night. A family party. I knew he’d be leaving somewhere around dinner time so I asked if he’d be eating dinner here or at the party. He said he wasn’t sure and would decide later in the day after he’d figured out about what time he was leaving. I planned on making dinner just in case he decided to eat here but my alternate plan, if he decided not to, was to just make chicken nuggets and tator tots for the kids and I. We all love this culinary delight although he does not. So, I usually make this dish when he isn’t around. As dinner time rolled around I sent our youngest son upstairs to ask hubby if he was going to eat dinner here. He said yes. So, I made dinner. Once dinner was ready, hubby came downstairs and said he’d have a little bit but was going to eat at the party! I wasn’t happy. I could have avoided making the full dinner that I made if he had just told me that. I realize that this communication all took place through an 8 year old but I don’t think that’s the problem. The question (are you going to eat dinner here?) was direct and straightforward. The answer (yes) was equally direct and straightforward. He felt bad because he didn’t know that I would have made chicken nuggets and tator tots if he weren’t eating here. In his defense, I never communicated that to him. It seems as if I assumed he knew that dinner would me much lower key if he weren’t going to be here because that is always the case. He is aware that when it’s just the kids and I, I don’t normally make the bigger dinners that I make when he is with us. Having said that, this miscommunication seems to be my fault. I wasn’t clear. The problem is that I thought I was clear.
While this is just one boring example of a miscommunication that had virtually no negative consequences (except for mild irritation on my part and the devastating consequence of missing out on chicken nuggets and tator tots), this type of thing seems to happen frequently between us, on more serious topics as well.
What is my problem? Why can I communicate so clearly in writing but seem to be virtually inept at verbal communication? Or is it more a combination of both of our communication styles together? These are obviously rhetorical questions. If I don’t have these answers I know no one reading this will. We had to go to marriage counseling to deal with some of our big problems last year. Many of those problems ended up revolving around simple miscommunication and/or our own individual insecurities clouding our perceptions of situations. During that time period, we communicated quite a bit via e-mail and things made a lot more sense to both of us that way.
As far as talking about my feelings, if asked a specific question, I will give a direct answer, even if it feels uncomfortable. I just don’t volunteer much information about how I’m feeling, what is on my mind or what (if anything) is bothering me at any given moment. Combined with hubby’s natural “strong-silent-type” personality, I think we have created the perfect storm for things to be lost in translation.
This blog offers something of a translation guide for him but I have no written translation guide from him at all. Conversely, this blog has also caused miscommunication between us. Last week I wrote a post about how I couldn’t focus and had too many topics bouncing around in my head. One of those topics was divorce. I was thinking about that topic because of someone we know who is going through a divorce. He assumed that I was considering the prospect of us divorcing. I was not.
Maybe verbal communication is overrated, except for making appointments and ordering pizza. But then I’d miss out on all the good conversations that I love. Ugh.
Thanks for stopping by!
i never would have imagined that you are not a strong verbal communicator! that is a complete surprise! but so much in a long-term relationship is non-verbal anyway, just like mothering — a lot of non-verbal cues too.
i have no problem expressing myself verbally or in writing — if i can get up the nerve. usually it is shyness or fear of the consequences that stops me. but i can express myself clearly and precisely (usually — unless i myself am confused
).
where i run into trouble is how my words are heard on the other side….
so many different ways to mis-communicate…
i am going to be reeling from your admission of poor verbal communicating for a while
Ha, that’s funny. It reinforces my hypothesis that I am excellent at written communication. I really think it’s a combination of our very different communications styles. Sometimes I think that what I say conveys exactly what I mean when, in fact, I leave out important details but don’t even realize it until we’re suddenly looking at each other as if the other is an alien.
I can be persuasive and communicate my thoughts about ideas or projects. However, when it comes to verbalizing my feelings I shut down. I am much better at expressing my thoughts in writing, at least when it comes to my personal feelings.
Several people that read my blog have told me they had no idea by just being around me that all this stuff is rattling around in my head.
When you figure out the answer…give me some clues ;0)
Me too Tammy. People in my “real life” are always telling me that they feel like they are getting to know me through my blog, even though we have known each other for many years. If I ever figure out how to get better at this, I’ll still share it with you in writing, just to be safe.
When you figure this out, please let me know! My husband IS a talker and an interrupter (He has ADD and always fears he’ll forget what he wanted to say if he waits his turn). I had to really look at it from my end because I realized I am interrupted by just about everyone I talk to.
My verbal communication skills are flawed. I think that’s why I enjoy writing so much. It really helps me organize and express my thoughts.
Rose
I much prefer writing. Then you can just assume they get what you’re saying. If they don’t, you’re not usually around to know any better.
so basically what we all are saying is that we blog because we can’t communicate verbally. hmmmm. interesting. i’m in the same boat especially when it comes to communicating things of an emotional nature. but i’m not going to let the men in our lives off the hook that easy. i mean, let’s face it, sometimes men just don’t listen. and honestly, how much info does one need to answer the question “are you eating here?”
LOL – you have a good point. However, this is why I suspect that “my” verbal communication issues have more to do with communicating with hubby than with anyone else. As far as feelings go….forget it, I have a hard time with everyone, unless asked a specific question.
As far as this mundane example goes, yes, technically the question was direct and not difficult to answer. However, important information was missing that I assumed he would get. What I really wanted to know was, “Would you like me to make dinner for you? Because if you are just going to eat at the party the boys and I are just going to have chicken nuggets and tator-tots and then I won’t have to make a full-blown dinner.”. What he assumed was that I was making dinner anyway and wanted to know if I should make him a plate or not. He did want to eat a little bit so he said yes. I assumed he would know that my making a full-blown dinner depended solely on weather or not he was going to be eating it. I thought he would know that because it’s how I usually roll when he’s not around. However, he has no way of knowing that, since he isn’t around.
I know this example is silly but just look at how complicated the two of us made this little tiny question and imagine how bigger issues get completely mired in confusion between us!
I love that you wrote about this. I recently had a friend who was an expert at communicating in writing but just didn’t seem to be able to keep it together in a verbal conversation. In writing she is fluent, logical, and very thoughtful. But in person she became fragmented, often scattered and very hard to follow. It was so frustrating. I wanted to have a conversation with the person who wrote the blogs I loved. Not being able to communicate with someone in person who you don’t know can write is hard enough, but when you have gotten to know a person’s inner thoughts and feelings through their writing, you just naturally assume they can communicate in person as well. Sometimes I think we just feel more open and unfiltered in writing then we do in person. When we write, we don’t see any feedback from a person we may be communicating with that could possibly change our thought process. We don’t get nonverbal cues that tell us to either continue a certain thought or change it and we don’t have the person possibly interjecting their own comments either. So in writing, it’s just a complete stream of consciousness that can be laid out logically and completely. If it helps, I think that just recognizing that this is something you need to work on is great – some people never find this out about themselves in time to fix it. Or some people, even after being told this, just don’t bother. You go girl for wanting to fix it!
This is an excellent point, about not being filtered. In personal communications, we do take non-verbal cues from our audience that may make us alter, sugar-coat or even completely avoid what we were going to say. These cues also set off other thoughts that may confuse us once we get going, even though when we started out, we may have been confident about what we wanted to say. In writing, it is a finished product before we hear any feedback. Just like you said, it is an unfiltered stream of concsiousness. It’s so much easier this way! I hope my hubby and friends are as aware of this as you are and are as patient with me if/when I sound scattered.
obstreperous – great word!!!
I know, right? I had to look it up…being a grammar nazi and all. I have to know what all new words mean. Hmmm…does that make me sound ingnorant?
Communication is such a interesting subject. Many people do not commuicate well with each other. We often don’t say what we really mean or we only hear what we want to hear. You are correct that people do have different ways in which they communicate and desire to be communicated to. Some are visual, some are audible, some are kinetic and some are technological. The key is to find out which each you and your husband respond to best and use that when communicating.
Interesting, I wrote on communication today as well.
I know you did! I read part of it at work and can’t wait to get back to reading it after dinner.
As always… I feel like I leave the same comment every single time… that you are in my head!! Hubby and I have the same type of miscommunication errors. Yesterday, he asked me to not give Jalyn the Ibuprofen for her fever until after she had a bath. So, after she got out of the bath, I gave her her medicine. He got all upset, saying that I hadn’t listened to him, when what he really had meant was “WAIT until a while after her bath to see if her fever goes down without the medicine.” Unfortunately, I’m not a mind reader and couldn’t read between the lines. I totally understand the little miscommuncations–and sure wish I had the answers too!
This is another great example. We do think, on some level, that others can read our minds, or at least that we all think the same way. Even in the healthiest and long-term couples, the two individual people bring their own perspective, mood and experiences to even the most mundane conversation.
I am constantly clarifying myself to my husband, I feel sometimes like I should just write everything down so that he gets it, and doesn’t misunderstand. LOL, wouldn’t that be interesting? He says he doesn’t read my blog, so sometimes I will write stuff just to see if he is, but doesn’t want to say so that he can have a glimpse of me that I keep hidden from everyone in real life.
You are not alone in this *headdesk* marital situation.
I think sometimes we become so familiar with each other that each of us tends to think the other will understand perfectly what we mean, or we say something that we get, but to the other person, they can’t read our mind with the words that we left out, or the clarity that was in our thoughts, but left out of the words.
Over 30 years, I am sure this is the case. Finishing sentences for each other, that sort of thing.
In my case, I know I have a hard time articulating my feelings out loud. I always get this feeling I am being burdensome, or an inconvenience if I do. Writing it means I can spew it, and if someone doesn’t want to read, it does not waste their time. Silly, but there it is. My hubby, on the other hand, tends to blurt things out before his internal sensor can muzzle them. Oi.
I’m so happy to hear I’m not alone in this, which is one of the reasons I love blogging too.
I was reminded in reading your post at the importance of what we leave out, what goes unsaid leaves much room to be misinterpreted. We also have a choice in how we respond to misunderstandings, with anger or with love.
It is no wonder, then, that the world of humanity is so full of conflict. We have a situation in which human beings, who must deal with each other, have vastly different views as to the nature of reality, yet each one believes his or her own view to be the correct one since it is based on the microcosm of personal experience.
— M. Scott Peck
More excellent points (plus an M. Scott Peck quote…what is it my birthday?!).
What we leave out is what we are afraid to say or what we assume others already know, right?
The choices…to respond with anger, from the silent treatment to overt aggression, always shuts down the lines of communication. Sometimes it’s a reflex that can be rectified, sometimes it ends friendships/relationships prematurely. Sometimes the decision to end a relationship comes down to pride. Too proud to say we are hurt, too proud to extend a loving communication. It’s sad really. We’re all just here trying to make connections.
Sometimes, though, it isn’t what is left out or even why it was left out, but what actually gets said that becomes the problem. There is a way to state ones thoughts or opinions (controversial though they may be) that still leaves the door open for further communication. But what I see happen sometimes is that a thought or opinion is communicated in such an abrasive way that the receiver of such information sees no opportunity for discussion because it is ovious that the expressed thought/opinion comes with a lot of agression. I’m not sure if in this instance the shut down in communication comes from a sense of pride or just from a person’s inate ability to read that any opposition expressed would be met with such hostility that it seems better to just sort of cut their losses and move on. Sometimes relationships have to end because two people suddenly realize that either their communication styles vary so vastly that it isn’t fulfilling for either one anymore or because one person realizes that the true opinions held by another are incongruent to their own to the point that causes too much frustration and conflict.
Also true. Sometimes relationships don’t work out and a lot of times it’s because one party is completely inflexible, unwilling to have an open conversation or is downright aggressive, like you said. It still sucks. I recently lost a friendship after finding out about certain previously hidden behaviors that I simply cannot tolerate in anyone. That friendship ended without any fight or discussion at all. As much as I now believe this person to be intolerable, it still makes me sad. And no amount of communicating will ever fix it.
It is sad when relationships that at first seemed so promising and fulfilling come to an end (whether it’s with an explosion or just a fizzle). I am mourning the loss of what I had thought would be a fabulously mutually supportive friendship. It seems though that people are not always as they seem and, as you said, information that comes to light later in the relationship can put the kabosh on things very quickly – whether the information is about previously hidden behaviors or lack of maturity and clarity when dealing with life issues and an unwillingness to see that. Either way, it’s sad but I try to learn something from every person who has entered my life (even if they ultimately leave) because that is what moving forward and growing as a person is all about.
That’s a great attitude! I’m sorry about the loss of your friend. No hope huh? I was shocked to find out my friend was abusive and that is not a trait I can tolerate in a person, unless they are willing to admit it and seek help. Unfortunately, my friend was not. I believe, like you seem to, that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. This particular person taught me to trust my instincts and that I am capable of sticking to my beliefs (I was once an avid people-pleaser and probably would have tolerated this behavior by telling myself it was none of my business). Thanks so much for all your insightful comments Michelle.
what an amazing conversation you started out of a full dinner versus chicken nuggets and tater tots!!!!
and what an exciting thing if we could all just figure it out…
LOL – life is lived in the minutae right?
Michelle who has commented on your blog was a budding friend of mine for a short time. She has not named the friend she is speaking of but I can’t help but think it is me.
We met on my blog. I spent a total of six hours in her presence; coffee shops three times, a pizza place with our kids, had dinner at a restaurant once for just the two of us, and dinner once in her home with our children. Our conversations were filled with topics about our kids, faith, and life — they were as light and airy as the emails we exchanged. I responded late to an invitation to take our kids and go to Reiman Gardens. Another email came that asked me if I disappeared to which I responded with a proposal for sidewalk chalk on her driveway. I was too broke to go to the Gardens though I couldn’t bring myself to admit my financial woes at the time.
At the moment I am puzzled in reading her comments, at first it seemed as though she spoke with intentions to harm. But what I know may be more true, she may be feeling hurt about something I did or did not do … something I said that cut to the core. We didn’t meet minds on the abortion issue, we didn’t view faith matters the same … these have never been hot topics between us in person, but maybe they were. Maybe these topics were the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. These differences have been known to cause wars.
When people lie and say things about others, it’s mean. When an ex-friend shows up on my favorite blog and lies, it’s weird.
So true Cindy. many a times i fail to communicate and assume things resulting in wrong choice and misunderstandings. Hmmm..i was smiling as i read through it…nodding…i-know, i-understand!
Thanks a tonne for posting on this.
And thank you for reading & commenting. It’s always nice to find out I’m not the only one.