Everything Is Out Of Focus
“Writing is a concentrated form of thinking…a young writer sees that with words he can place himself more clearly into the world. Words on a page, that’s all it takes to help him separate himself from the forces around him, streets and people and pressures and feelings. He learns to think about these things, to ride his own sentences into new perceptions.” — Don DeLillo
I have literally started writing FOUR different blog posts in the past twenty-four hours. None of them are any good. None of them say what I want to say in the way I want to say it. I can’t concentrate on any of them long enough to make them readable.
So, I figured I may as well write about my inability to write. I don’t know where it’s coming from exactly. I do know that it’s a result of anxiety, worrying and monkey mind. I just can’t pinpoint exactly where it’s all coming from right now.
Some of the topics bouncing around in my head like a deranged short-circuited pinball machine are, in no particular order….revenge, abuse, death, divorce, friendship, anxiety, cancer, money, insomnia, sexuality, work, Facebook, shame and secrets.
Looking at that list it’s pretty easy to figure out why I can’t focus. Those are some pretty big topics. Well, except Facebook of course.
I’m a tightly wound bundle of nerves with a brain that never seems to stop questioning and exploring. Searching for….answers, I guess. And peace.
My 11-year-old son noticed it for the first time the other day. I had just finished making dinner and we were beginning to eat. I was all stressed out but not saying that I was. He and hubby both asked why I was stressing and my explanation was so absurd that I think they secretly were a little frightened. They both reminded me to relax. Easier said than done.
I always feel anxious around dinner time. When I’m working, it starts as soon as I leave the office and doesn’t end until after dinner is over. I’ve noticed this daily window of insanity for quite some time now. I know that I feel pressure to get home, get the kids, make dinner, straighten up the kitchen and serve something edible to my family right around the time that hubby gets home from work himself. I feel as if all of this has to be orchestrated and timed to be completed precisely as he walks in the door.
In his defense, hubby has never said or acted as if he expects any of these things. He does have a thing about cold food, but is more than happy to pop his plate into the microwave if his dinner has cooled off. He does like a clean kitchen, but has never even suggested that he believes that to be my responsibility. He also doesn’t expect me to cook every night.
All of this dinnertime stress is my own. Where the hell does it come from?! I’ve never claimed to be the perfect little housewife or even close to a perfect cook. Hubby has never expected me to be. It’s got to be coming from somewhere.
The only thing I can think of is, as usual, my past. When I was an adolescent, the responsibility of dinner was completely turned over to me. I had to make dinner every night for the entire family. My memories of this are pretty fuzzy but I can imagine either one of my parents expecting a hot meal to be served promptly upon their arrival home and dire consequences if that expectation wasn’t met. But I don’t remember for certain. Hopefully my sister will remember more and chime in here because she took over the dinnertime duties once I was older and home less and less.
On the other hand, maybe I just need to lay off the caffeine.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hey lady– just wanted to drop by and let you know that I’m still reading your posts, even if I’m horribly behind in my commenting:)
Hope your day goes well & that you can find a way to de-stress a little! When do you get to go on your vaca??
Thanks Jess! I’m not sure, I don’t have the details yet.
you always seem to have very focused posts, etc. sometimes it’s ok to have a random post discussing various topics. hugs.
Thank you!
it’s funny that you mention feeling like this. i went to counseling for the 1st time in a couple months and she said “You really seem to be keeping feelings, emotions, etc on the fringe.” I feel like there are bits of things surrounding me, but nothing on which my mind wishes to fully focus. i’m accepting it for what it is.
Normally, anything that I’m feeling feels better after I write it here and hit that publish button. So, I figured why not ramble on about my unfocused worrying about nonsense that I can’t even seem to pin down.
Are you taking votes from your readers on which of your random topics we would like to read about first?
Sure, that will be a good way to pawn off the decision making that I am clearly not capable of.
Random topic ideas (of course you may have already posted about these – i’m new)
1. Your thoughts on conferences like BlogHer
2. What did you want to be career-wise when you were a child?
3. Where do you come up with the ideas for some of your posts? Are they things you’re dealing with at the moment or just things from the past you want to talk about?
4. Why am I not following you on Twitter? lol. I’m SheBAButterfly if you want to follow moi.
Even stressed out you seem to get soooo much more done than I do. I’ve had several blog posts in my head, but I haven’t bothered to write anything in a few days. You’re making me feel quite inadequate, Little Ms. Two Blogs!!!
Remember….no sleep or housework! I get virtually nothing done!