Intimacy Issues
“Love is making friends with fear because fear is the constant companion of intimacy ~ and when you bring fear out of the darkness and into the light, you realize it was an illusion based on our own insecurities.” — Allen L. Roland
Ever since I published my last post I’ve been thinking about my fear of intimacy. I’ve definitely got intimacy issues. I suppose just about everyone does on some level or another. I can only speak for myself.
I’m sure it comes from never being able to trust anyone growing up. I have to digress here for a minute to rant about that. It really pisses me off that all this bullshit, all these demons, are coming back to haunt me in my late 30’s. When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could get the hell out of there and live a normal life. I figured once I left, I was done with it. Not so. It all came back to cause me even more problems then it did the first time around. That’s a bunch of crap! Didn’t I put up with enough when I was a kid?!
I had to get that out of my system. Back to my original topic. Intimacy. I am terrified of completely trusting someone. Anyone. Especially my husband. He didn’t help matters early on in our marriage but I suspect I would still feel the same way today even without his help. What if he hurts me?! That’s the big fear, right?
That’s what I’ve been thinking about. So what if I get hurt? Would it be better to live the closed-off, false, people-pleasing life like I used to? Absolutely not. To truly trust someone and allow actual intimacy, you have to take a risk. It feels like a huge risk. Realistically, it’s not. The absolute worst case scenario is that he leaves. The biggest pain would come from me completely opening up and him leaving. If I think about this rationally and unemotionally, I know that would hurt. A lot. I would feel humiliated, lost, alone, scared, sad, angry, abandoned and probably even plot revenge fantasies that I would never carry out (or would I…). I wouldn’t die. I wouldn’t be banished to some sexless, loveless cave. I would survive. I’ve survived much worse when I was in a much more vulnerable position.
The truth is that it’s the re-living of the original pain that is at the root of my fears. The fears that I developed as a child. The fear that I was so bad that my own parents didn’t love me. The fear that I was somehow defective. The fear that I was unlovable. I know that isn’t true. I know it was their own issues that caused them to behave the ways in which they did. I know it wasn’t me. I know all of this on an intellectual level. Getting my emotions to buy into this reality is the hard part.
Thanks for stopping by!
The best (and probably the only good thing) about getting older is you figure stuff out like this and finally don’t give a flying fig about things that terrified you when you were younger. You seem to be doing fine, and so am I.
I’m getting there.
Maybe this is why I am constantly reminding myself that I could live without my husband if I needed to – if he died or we got divorced. I don’t WANT him to go away, of course, but I have to believe that I could survive it.
Yep, that’s exactly how my brain works too!
I believe (in some fashion, not necessarily from the traditional “God” way) that all things happen in life for a reason. We may not know what the reasons are when we are in the midst of things, but maybe someday the fog will clear and we will be able to look back on a situation and see where it moved us forward somehow or gave us the wisdom and strength to get through something else. I too had a really crappy childhood. Just bad, inattentive and selfish parents who were too caught up in their own messes to pay attention to their kids. I know exactly what you meant when you said you felt defective and unlovable – I felt that way for years and years. But as much as that sucked and I always wish it would have been different, it did teach me how to be a kind and loving mother to my own children. All I have to do is think of how my parents treated me and I do exactly the opposite because I never, ever want my children to feel the pain of neglect. So, if nothing else, my experiences as a child taught me how to be a good mom. Sometimes good really can come from bad. You managed to work through these feelings too and are being rewarded – keep working, it’s worth it!
Michelle, very well said. Thank you so much. I too, believe that everything happens for a reason and that I wouldn’t be who I am today (which also includes doing the opposite of my parents!) if not for everything that came before.
I love you to the moon and back.
Ditto!
Yep, my issues have issues.
I used to tell myself that I didn’t NEED anyone. To prove it to myself I would leave a relationship before it left me. Go figure, the one time I completely let go of my fears and put my heart & sould in to the relationship, I got burned.
I, too, am amazed that now in my mid-30’s I feel more jilted by things that have happened in my past. There is something to be said for being in your 20’s and just flat out ignorant. ha!
Perhaps my 40’s will bring more enlightenment, not that I am rushing it!
I hear ya. Same with me. The one person I thought I could trust, I couldn’t. I decided then and there it was never going to happen again. Unfortunately, that wall came crashing down in a confusing mess which ended up leading me to this blog, so it’s not all bad.
my mother felt unlovable as a child & passed that on to me. i guess it’s a good thing that i’m single & have no children.