Keeping Secrets For A Narcissist
“Secrets, silent, stony sit in the dark palaces of both our hearts: secrets weary of their tyranny: tyrants willing to be dethroned.” — James Joyce
In my earlier post about Isolation Abuse I discussed how narcissists and other abusers attempt to isolate their significant others and children from others. One of the main reasons for this is so that their families, cut off from the outside world, will see the narcissist’s behavior as normal, will be utterly confused and pretty much brainwashed. Another reason though, is to protect their own false image as great father, executive, family man, husband, etc. If outsiders are kept at a safe distance then they will never see through the facade.
This was the cardinal rule in my house growing up. It was similar to Fight Club (literally) or The Godfather. You did not discuss what went on at home with anyone outside of our immediate family. Period. I never told an aunt, uncle, cousin, friend or neighbor. Ever. Not only was I terrified to break this rule, it was also embarrassing. I didn’t want people to know how I was degraded, humiliated and abused anymore than he did.
I finally did rebel against this rule when I was in high school. I had a teacher who sort of took me under her wing. I was an under-achiever, always coasting by and getting grades that were just good enough, mostly B’s and C’s. I took a required history class with her and did my usual bare minimum. Later, I took an elective law class with her and got straight A’s. She was amazed that I had it in me and admitted she was worried when she saw that I had signed up for this class. She thought it would be way over my head. She took the time to get to know me and I came to trust her. I told her a tiny bit about what life was like at home, she reported it to the counselor and the counselor called my house. Of course, my mother denied everything and I got the beating of my life.
My father’s rage could be triggered by just about anything. You never knew exactly when it was coming. There was one consistent thing that I did that was guaranteed to result in a rage. Talking on the phone. As a teenage girl, I wanted to talk on the phone constantly. That’s how teenage girls roll. He would set a timer for 10 minutes. I was terrified most of the time so usually got off the phone before that damn thing even went off. Sometimes though, I was feeling rebellious and would completely ignore it. I have no idea if this set him off because I was disobeying his 10 minute time limit or if he was afraid I would talk about what was going on at home, or if he was pissed about the fact that I had a lot of friends despite his efforts to isolate me, or if he was jealous of the time spent not paying attention to him. But it never failed. Me talking on the phone at all set him on edge. If anything else occurred while I was on the phone or if I went over my 10 minute limit…..it was all bad.
Thanks for stopping by!
Very interesting post, thanks for sharing your stories b/c they are so educational, even if it’s tough for you to write!
I had to shake my head and cringe when I got to the part about the counselor calling your home — how stupid of them!
Thanks Christina. They are difficult to write but at the same time helpful for me too. I now know that they are required to report allegations of child abuse, but yeah, that stupid phone call did nothing good.
oh cyndi, how awful for you growing up. i can only imagine how you felt. my family was dysfunctional — my parents were NOT happily married AT ALL — and we moved around a lot — which added to the dysfunction because we had no community. but i never questioned for one second that my mom and dad each loved me, and in their own way they made me feel so safe — i just could not wait to leave home because they were so miserable together
these days, counselors call social services first, parents second. i have a friend who has experienced this first-hand — there are some issues in her home, but they are NOT abuse and neglect, unless we are talking about her kids abusing and neglecting her. but yup, DSS first, parent second.
i wonder if your father is still living or if you have a relationship with him now? you mention your mom on occasion but not your dad. certainly none of my business
but just wondering.
hugs,
lynette
Yes, here that agency is called DCFS and school employees are required to call them if a child tells them about abuse or they see signs of abuse. Unfortunately, the verbal abuse can be the most damaging and there is nothing DCFS can do unless they have proof, i.e. bruises, cuts, etc.
No, my father died almost 10 years ago. He was very sick the last 7 years of his life and was basically a different person in his weakened state than he was when I was growing up. We maintained a superficial relationship until the day he died, never speaking of any of this. That’s one of the most heartbreaking things about being in a relationship of any kind with a true narcissist. They simply don’t have the ability to love or empathize with anyone else, it’s truly all about them and their image. I’m sure if he were alive today he would deny everything and not be very happy about this blog!
i am so sorry you never had any resolution with your dad, although you are likely right that he would not have understood even if you had tried. but i would put my money on it that your experience has made you a thoughtful and loving parent for your own kids in a way you never had. i know i have tried to give my kids many of the things that i felt i needed as a kid, but never had.
thank you for sharing that about your dad. so sad, all of it.
That’s the thing….I wouldn’t be who I am today were it not for any of my experiences. Yes, I think I’m a much different parent than either of my parents and I chose a spouse much different from my father. Many people though, simply recreate the cycle of abuse and it goes on for generations. That’s what’s really sad to me. My hope is that anyone reading this who also recognizes their spouse or parent will realize they are not alone and it is most definitely not them, not healthy and not normal.
10 minutes on the phone? That’s inhuman. I spent hours on the phone as a teenager.
LOL – I agree!