Isolation Abuse
“The more isolated and disconnected we are, the more shattered and distorted our self-identity. We are not healthy when we are alone. We find ourselves when we connect to others. Without community we don’t know who we are…When we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others. We lose ourselves…Who we understand ourselves to be is dramatically affected for better or worse by those we hold closest to us.” — Erwin McManus
One of the tactics that Narcissists and other abusers use to control their significant others is isolation. This is a particularly effective tool for them because the more cut off from the outside world their victims are, the more confused the victims become and the abusive behavior seems more normal than it would if they had more contact with others.
Not sure if you are in an abusive relationship? I found this quiz related to isolation tactics.
Isolation abuse
Isolation abuse is when your domestic partner or spouse uses manipulation to keep you away from your family and your friends. They make you feel guilty about spending time with your family or friends and they want you home, where they can watch you.
Isolation abuse is when your domestic partner or spouse uses tactics to keep you in line such as remove part of your car, so it will not work. Empty your gas tank or hide your keys, so you cannot drive anywhere.
In an effort to keep his partner away from friends and family, he may blatantly “forbid” his partner from seeing and/or talking to them. He may take away her cell phone, computer and monitor calls made to and from the home phone. He may only threaten to do these things but the partner is scared enough to believe it and therefore, isolates herself. He may be more subtle by simply stating reasons why he doesn’t like this person or that person. He may just act inappropriately when friends or family are around so that they are uncomfortable enough to stay away on their own. If he finds out anyone in his partner’s life is telling her there is a problem or worse yet, that she is talking about him to anyone else, he will accuse them of meddling or trying to start trouble. Whatever tactics he chooses, he will make it very clear to his partner that discussing their private lives with anyone else is a major offense that will result in severe punishment.
Isolation:
The abusive person will try to cut you off from all resources. He accuses you of being “tied to your mother’s apron strings,” or your friends of “trying to cause trouble” between you. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, you are “going out on him” and if you have friends of the same sex, he may accuse you of being gay.
I am intimately familiar with these tactics. Growing up, I was not allowed to have friends sleep over or even just come over to play. We moved to a different state, away from my mom’s family. We never had parties and my parents themselves only had friends over very rarely. I was grounded for most of my adolescence, the lengths of these groundings were always excessive compared to the behavior I was being punished for. I was once grounded for an entire quarter of high school for ditching gym class. No leaving the house, extremely limited phone calls…for three months.
As a child, being grounded for unacceptable behavior is a fact of life. It was fuzzy for me then. On the one hand, I was aware that I shouldn’t have ditched gym class. On the other hand, I resented being on lock-down for so long. Looking back now, it absolutely was all about control and isolation abuse.
I have a difficult time understanding how an adult woman could actually go along with any of this nonsense, but it does happen, more than we realize. I am not sure exactly what I would do if my husband threatened to take away my car keys but I imagine that I would first laugh in his face, then tell him to f-off, and if necessary call the police and get him the hell out of there. Unfortunately, women enmeshed with abusers just don’t think this way. They have allowed themselves to become brainwashed into believing that they are powerless.
As friends of abused women, all we can do is offer our support. If they talk to us at all about any of the abuse and we express our opinions or suggestions and the abuser finds out, we will most likely end up losing our friend. I find this to be profoundly sad. Most of us believe that’s one of the best things about friends. We can talk about things and get each other’s opinions and suggestions. As a good friend, how can we not try to help, especially when we are asked to do so?
Thanks for stopping by!
i was in one of these relationships. it took me awhile to figure out that this was wrong b/c he’d beaten back my self-esteem so much. GLAD i’m out of it and will NEVER get into or stay in one of those situations again!
I’m glad you got out too!
Wow! You always hear about physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, but never “isolation.” Maybe it falls under “emotional,” but I think it should have it’s own category! I remember learning in psych that the isolation was a way to break the person down so that they’re more emotionally fragile, which is when your brain is more willing to believe stuff it otherwise wouldn’t. That’s how cults start – with emotionally raw and vulnerable people believing otherwise unbelievable stuff!
Great post!
Thanks Christina! Yep, especially when combined with physical and emotional abuse, it beats you down. Without interaction with others, it feels normal and you start to believe whatever he says.
Oh sweetheart, this post is so up my alley. I’m so versed in these tactics it makes my head spin recalling examples. To choose one, out of one hundred and one … there are so many.
These ‘raptors’ have a talent for brainwashing friends and family too. They want you too be all theirs. Like putty in their hands.
A few highlights include:
• Putting ‘R’ rated movies on just before I left the house with him caring for our young children. Yes, a trip to the grocery store without my kids became an issue.
• We moved to a new town, he told our new neighbors I was HIV positive. The rumor worked for eighteen months. I wouldn’t have known it if our baby twins did not die at 28 weeks — had my neighbors not cared to console me, I would never had known.
• He told the minister of a church I had a drug addiction. I didn’t know this until I began speaking to the minister and his wife about things happening in my marriage. They didn’t believe what I said and let me know they knew I was a drug addict.
Raptors are five miles ahead of you I learned long ago.
As for the question of how you can be a friend to someone who is in a dimension of this kind, where he does not like the friendship or works to prevent it from occurring. I have no idea. In the place I was at, not one person had even thought to question his intentions, he had them questioning me.
That’s awful! Thank goodness you were able to figure it all out and get the hell out of there. Many never do. They do try to work their magic on everyone around you, don’t they. I can’t believe not one person suspected a thing. You must have been very good at hiding your unhappiness.
dawn, i am so sorry — how crazymaking! talk about altering your perceptions and the perceptions of others. “gaslighting” — isn’t that another arm of emotional abuse?
after 10 years of silence, i started telling the few friends i had (i tend to keep people at arm’s length — because i don’t open up enough and then neither do they). i told both my SILs, i told my mother, i told my friends. and i stood up to my husband in counseling.
here’s the rub. unless there are bruises that people can see, or obvious tactics like isolation, try finding someone who doesn’t say “is it that bad?” or “i just can’t see him that way — are you sure it’s not something you are doing?” or “i think you are too sensitive”. and then it is almost impossible to get out, because there is only support for staying in. i only had one friend say “you should just kick him the hell out” — and she had survived an abusive relationship with a substance addict — and her solution does not quite work for me.
imo, i think you can be a friend by being there to help, but advise and opinions, unless asked for, stand to isolate further.
I had young children, a home to care for, and we moved often … I’m not sure that I was hiding my unhappiness, there was no one to hide it from. I didn’t understand other people’s reactions too me. (this is a clue)
i always believed that it would take one incident over the line and i would boot the guy out the door. once.
but it doesn’t happen that way. the someone that you love and trust blindsides you with behavior that is so confusing that you actually cannot believe it, and cannot believe that there will be more. like any traumatic event, the mind protects itself. and each time, you believe that there cannot be more.
women don’t leave for many reasons — but the biggest ones are love and fear. unless you are there, you cannot know what it is like.
cyndi, your post was heartbreaking, your childhood sounds cold and confusing and sad, and i know where a lot of this post is coming from. all you can do is be there, and be the best cheerleader you can. and if and when you think any kids are being harmed, call the authorities.
hugs,
lynette
We each have ONE life to live, learn, and love. Don’t give it over to someone like this. They are wasting your life and your potential for their own selfish gratification. I’ve never experienced this but I know it goes on. A lot. And it makes me mad. Take your power back, get help, use the resources out there. Get a protection order if necessary. Then find out how great life can be.
These topics are so tough for me because I feel exactly like you do. The truth is though, that I also know that women in these relationships are not thinking logically and so I feel bad for them, and even worse for their kids. It’s similar to a cult, like Christina said. It’s extremely frustrating and painful to hear about.
You have the best topics and write so beautifully! My mother is one of these relationships. Her husband is not on the extreme end of this, but he likes to try and isolate her. He even had a program installed on her cell phone to locate her at all times from their home computer. Then, after he checked up on her, questioned her movements that day. He also accuses her of cheating when she stops at the grocery store after work. She has to call and check in with him numerous times a day. What a mess. She is brainwashed; so, you are right, it is hard to get through to her.
Thanks Crystall! I’m sorry about your mom, that’s an awful situation and must be frustrating for you to watch.
Thank you for this. This could describe my childhood. Great examples and definitions. Thanks again!