The Cycle Of Abuse
“The consequences of your denial will be with you for a lifetime and will be passed down to the next generations. Break your silence on abuse.” – Patty Rase Hopson
I have attempted to understand why women stay in abusive relationships my entire life, particularly when their children are also abused in these relationships. As a child I was told that we couldn’t leave because we couldn’t afford it, that I deserved the abuse, that he had “changed” and that I was over-sensitive. I believed it all.
To this day I have extremely conflicted feelings about women who stay in abusive relationships and allow their children to be abused. On the one hand, I empathize with their feelings of helplessness and on an intellectual level, I understand that they honestly believe there is no way out or that he isn’t all that bad or that he has changed. On the other hand, I also know that they are adults, are not helpless and are the only one who can save their children by removing them from the abusive relationship.
I have no tolerance for the mistreatment of children. I realize that sounds like a ridiculously obvious statement that no one in the world would disagree with. However, while it may be true that no one would verbally disagree with me on this, there are many, many adults whose actions prove that they disagree. These are the abusers and those that allow their children to be abused.
Children are, in fact, helpless. They cannot save themselves. They are totally dependent on their parents. When one of their parents is abusive and the other either looks the other way or is an active participant in the abuse, there is no hope.
I actually experience “flashbacks” when I am confronted with stories of child abuse. I feel the same feelings I felt when I was a helpless child. It takes me days to recover a sense of normalcy after even seeing a movie in which children are abused. I feel raw, vulnerable, shell-shocked, anxious, angry, depressed, horrified, scared and helpless. I want to save them all. The sad reality is that I can’t.
In my own attempt to make sense out of my own childhood and move on, I have come to view my own mother almost as two separate people. I have had to separate the person she is today from the person who raised me. I know this sounds odd but it has allowed us to have a pretty decent relationship. I still have to deal with my own feelings about the woman who raised me, but that’s a very slow moving, long and painful process. In the meantime, I am no longer a helpless child completely dependent on her. I can see her as she is today. She is a good Grandma. She is as emotionally available to me as she can be. She recently announced her retirement and I couldn’t be happier for her. She deserves it. She’s had a rough life and has always worked hard. I’m glad that she is going to have the chance to enjoy retirement, relax and just…be.
My original intent for this post was to discuss the cycle of abuse. I’ve seen a diagram of it many times. My plan was to find that diagram and then write about each phase in significant detail. Instead, while trolling the internet in search of the diagram, I came across an amazing website that describes it all much better than I ever could. It also contains tons of helpful information and resources for women in abusive relationships. That website is Heart 2 Heart.
Here is the diagram that I was looking for. If you click on it, it will take you to their section explaining the cycle and much more…
Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for posting this, it is really interesting reading. And I think the way you think about your mum to move forward is an excellent idea. I hope you continue to banish the daemons, and thanks for being honest. This is still one of those ‘things’ people just don’t talk about xx
It is something that people still don’t talk about, which also bothers me. That’s why I talk about it. I’m done feeling ashamed for things I did not do and keeping deep dark family secrets. I’m not sure if I’d feel differently if my father were still alive but at this point, it helps to get it out there and hear back from others so thank you!
I know exactly what you mean! As I grow older and better able to deal with and recognize what happened to me, I have less and less tolerance for abuse or depictions of abuse. Just the other day, a friend was describing something to me about an underage girl from the Marquis de Sade (you really don’t want to know…) and I had to tell him to stop because it made me feel so disgusted.
I’m glad to hear, too, that I’m not the only one who has to think of my parent as basically two separate people. Maybe someday we will be able to have a relationship again…
I too am glad to hear I’m not the only one who has to think of my parent as two separate people. Thanks so much!
thank you, cyndi. i am being pelted with big bricks this week. you know how i have said i stayed to protect my children from being alone with him when they were little? that was true.
now i need to get out to protect them from him now that they are bigger.
i feel sick. i feel scared. and i wish it were all different. the desire to wish it all different is so strong i am afraid i will let it take over.
i will call for help when i feel this happening.
i am so sorry for what happened to you, and i so don’t want to see my children go there.
hugs,
lynette
Thanks Lynette. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinkg of your situation when I wrote this and didn’t mean for it to be another brick for you.
your post was not a brick! my bricks are coming from home
your post just happened to be coincidental….
thanks!
Gotcha. Whew!
I’m so sad that you went through that, and so thankful that I never had to experience anything of that level. My mom was very ill as I grew up… we didn’t know until I started college that she was both bipolar and OCD. Interesting combo, don’t you think?
So in hindsight, I have a much larger understanding of why she flipped out entirely when I left dirty dishes in the sink, or didn’t wipe water spots off the faucet after using it. (sorry for that little tangent:))
I hope that your post will reach someone who really needs to hear your words of encouragement. Thanks for putting this out there!
Thanks Jess. I hope so too.
You probably know how I feel about this from some of my posts, Cyndi. Ladies, if a guy treats you like an object (a possession with no feelings, a punching bag, etc.) RUN as fast as you can–before you have any kids and can’t easily escape. A man like this does not, and can not truly love you. He is too flawed. If you’re drawn to this type of person, get counseling. No one deserves to live the one and only life they have this way.
I was waiting patiently for your comment! Amen sister.
Cyndi – I thought your readers might find this blog interesting. This was posted by a friend of mine on facebook, her mother is the writer.
http://survivoronamission.blogspot.com/
Wow. Thank you so much Tammy.
My mother, her mother, and her mother … how far back do we go? The helping professions are as outdated and ignorant as the preachers in the Catholic Church.
Never ever give advice to a woman in a situation you cannot comprehend … where she is, it’s like walking a tightrope for the first time. Get her to talk about her dreams. If you meet a woman who believes she’s a prisoner, the best thing you can do is recognize is that she is filled with shame and guilt, the kind that would make your skin crawl and keep you from sleep.
Her blazing a new trail has everything to do with your ears, the safety she feels in your presence, your acceptance of tears without any advice. Unless you’ve walked a tightrope for the first time, you realize little about how it may be your last walk. Give her the space to trust her own guts. There is no net beneath. No one can teach her the way, she discovers it all on her on. Slowly, it’s hard work. She lives with a bomb in her house. 911 really doesn’t help, it buys time so she can connect the dots … without any sleep.
You may be the last thread, the last hope to remind her of what she wants most in this life. And give her the freedom to choose it for her self — it may be the first time. She’s got enough people digging a hole for her spirit, hardwired ancient beliefs. Help her rise above all that, give a place that allows her to voice her dreams and her shame. Let her find shelter under your wing and … watch her fly.
Nothing great happens without others along the way. These stories, these posts, they serve a greater calling. A recognition of the absolute truth instead of judgments on women with children from an outsider’s viewpoint.
Great post, especially after a Breve.
Thanks Dawn, this is excellent advice.