Joint Or Separate
“You must gain control over your money or the lack of it will forever control you.” — Dave Ramsey
When hubby and I first got married, he insisted that we maintain our own separate checking accounts. He said that it was because I was horrible with balancing a checkbook (he was right). I suspect there was more to it than that but that’s water under the bridge.
At the time, this confused me and it even hurt. I grew up in a household where my mother had complete control of all the family finances. She kept the checkbook, paid all the bills, deposited my father’s paycheck when he brought it home and gave him enough cash to get him through each week. I have no idea how much she gave him or who actually determined what his “allowance” was, but that’s how it worked. Not once during their entire marriage did he have a single clue how much money they had or what their monthly expenditures were. She literally took care of it all.
When I got married I did not want to have that much control over our finances. I most certainly did not want to put my husband on an allowance. I did, however, just assume that married people had joint accounts. It never really crossed my mind that there was any other way. Even though my mother had full control over their finances, both of them were on every account they had.
I eventually got used to it and finally even actually enjoyed it. It was empowering to have my own set of the bills that were my responsibility and my own account. I didn’t have to turn over receipts to anyone else to reconcile the checkbook. It gave me a sense of independence. We still consulted each other on large purchases and frequently exchanged and/or pooled money for one thing or another, but my account was mine and his was his.
At some point his preference on this changed and he wanted a joint account. That really pissed me off. When he wanted separate accounts and I wanted joint, he refused, and then when he changed his mind I was just supposed to agree? As I’m sure you have guessed, I did not. This argument went on for years. I always refused.
Part of my refusal was because of what I just said. I resented him changing his mind and expecting me to go along with it. Part of it was because as I said, I felt a sense of independence. Part of it was because I didn’t think he was pulling his weight financially. But the biggest part of it was about control.
You see, I had vowed, at a very young age, to never, ever, ever be financially dependent on a man and I never have been. My mother’s excuse for never leaving my abusive father was that she couldn’t afford to be a single mother. I now realize that this was just an excuse and complete nonsense, but as a girl I bought it. I never wanted to be in that position.
Not only did hubby want a joint account but he wanted to be in charge of it all. I must have imagined myself in my father’s situation, handing over my paycheck and being put on an allowance. Worse yet, having to account for or explain every penny I spent to someone else. The whole idea horrified me and I persisted in refusing.
When we were in marriage counseling and had worked out the bigger issues, we got around to discussing finances. Our marriage counselor, who I consider to be a freakin’ miracle worker by the way, actually said that married couples must have joint accounts. As much as he helped us save what I thought was an impossible to salvage marriage, I still disagree with that statement. I think that if a married couple chooses to have separate accounts and it works for them then that’s fine. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working for us. We were fighting about it.
So, I finally capitulated. He made some colossal changes in several major areas so I finally figured it was in our best interest as a couple for me to at least give it a try. It’s been months now since he’s handled our finances. I have to admit that I do enjoy not having the burden of paying the bills. It’s a responsibility that is off my shoulders and I do not miss it. He does not give me an allowance and I have full access to the account whenever I want.
Having said all of that, it still bugs me from time to time. I’m not a big fan of turning in my receipts, even though I’m aware that is the only way for him to balance the checkbook and he doesn’t question why or where I spend. He’s also extremely anal about it, which is a good thing financially speaking, but one time I got really creeped out when he mentioned that he knew where I had lunch that day. He had been doing some online banking and had seen the charge at the restaurant I went to. I didn’t like that one bit. It felt like big brother was watching me. It is not his intent to control me or the money. He was joking around.
It all goes back to control and that vow to never depend on a man financially. It all stems from the bizarre way in which my parents handled their finances. In my head, I’m either my mother and in complete control, or my father and have no control. In reality, it’s just a joint account. Hubby happens to balance the checkbook and pay the bills but I hate doing those things anyway. I think I’ll go shopping tomorrow to celebrate my new-found enlightenment on this subject! :)
What do you think? Do married couples have to have joint accounts? How do you and your spouse handle this?
Thanks for stopping by!
We had tax clients that even made us prepare a joint tax return but split up how much of the tax due was hers and how much was his. Seemed really creepy–like they were living such separate lives that they wanted to know exactly how much money was his and hers. The only justification for this kind of behavior is if this is a second marriage with kids involved and they want to make sure each one’s kids get the right inheritance. For a committed never-before married couple, this seems strange to me unless someone is planning a future without the other.
I take care of our finances because I’m more anal about those things and I’m good at it. Hubby saves receipts for recording and tax purposes, but he has full access to the ATM. Waaay more access than I prefer LOL
LOL – you secretly want hubby on an allowance?
I agree that your tax clients seem a little “off”. We never went that far, just had our own accounts. It’s a good point about planning a future without the other. I think that was in the back of my head for many years, another explanation for my reluctance to combine finances. Hmmm.
I don’t think I could ever have a joint account, but I think that has to do with my age. At this point in my life, what would be the point?
When we first got married, my husband wanted to have one account. I refused for the same reasons as you and a few others. I really thought it would be too confusing and I didn’t want him in charge of the finances. Then, over time, and with my husband agreeing that I would be the one handling the bills and expenses, I agreed. I did give him an allowance, but mainly, it was just money that he could spend randomly that did not have to contribute to our bills. It worked and has continued to work for the last six years. Only one issue has come up: when I stopped working after my second child, we had WAY less money, so he had his allowance cut. Grouch! Oh well…everyone has to cut back when times are tough.
LOL – I hear ya about the cutting back thing. I was unemployed for a year and it was tough. We were both grouches about that at different points.
we have joint checking and savings accounts, but also a couple of other small accounts that pre-date our marriage. my husband used to handle the checkbook when we first lived together and had separate accounts — i would pay him a sum for my share of the bills. after we were married we joined everything and took turns doing the bills from the same account. but it made him so stressed out (little did i realize that EVERYTHING makes him stressed out), that i took over. when things became abusive, i made sure i had control of the finances all sewn up…. maybe that was your mom’s way of finding some control.
now my husband has NO clue, even though i try to show him where our finances are, etc. when i want to discuss something big, like whether or not to sell the house or college savings, he says “whatever you want to do”, and any decision i make will be the wrong one. but we never argue about money. when i tell him it is a tight month, he cuts back on his random spending. he is okay with me handling it because it is then one more adult responsibility he does not have to take care of.
i wish he would stop refusing to get familiar with this. because as of this point in time, i want separate accounts. i want him to be a grown up. i think married couples should have a joint account for joint bills and savings, but always separate accounts (yes, with an “allowance”) where you can spend from with no questions asked. a touch of independence in all that interdependence.
I’m sure you’re right about my mother needing to feel in control of something. Now that you’ve mentioned it, I’ll bet my father was much like your husband, not wanting to deal with an adult responsibility. Everything “stressed” him out too. Ugh.
I disagree with what the therapist said too. I don’t think it’s always a black and white, cut and dry thing to say EVERY married couple needs a joint account.
I grew up in a household where my parents always had, and still do have, separate accounts. I’m not sure how the bills were broken up, but I do know that they both had separate things they handled and it probably worked out to be even. Credit cards were joint names, because I do remember my mom wanting to get to the mailbox first if a statement was coming around Christmas or something!
I’ve never once seen my parents argue about money or felt that it was an unbalanced relationship. There were times we were doing ok and times I could tell we were struggling and cutting back, but it was never a household to focus on that. I had friends where I’d visit their house, or spend the night and I remember in the short period of time I was in their lives I saw their parents argue about money, or make financial comments.
Johnny and I live together, but are not married. We hold separate accounts and I think that is fair because I make considerably less than him. If it were all thrown into a joint account I’d feel guilty because the majority of it is not mine to spend. There are certain accounts that were opened since I moved in with both of our names on it, and I have a card in my name for his credit card account, but that is primarily because I do the shopping for the household and then he doesn’t need to be with me for those purchases.
So far, I think separate works for us. In the future if we were to marry, I would explore joint for household expenses, but part of me will always be like you – not wanting to be solely dependant on a man. I think I would always need my own little savings or money market account to oversee, just for piece of mind.
OMG! Dad was a total idiot! Remember, mom would have to write a note for him to give to the teller if for some strange reason he HAD to go to the bank! LMAO! (But, mom is a control freak, so it worked out for her that he was a moron!)
Anywho, if my dh wasn’t all willy-nilly about opening new credit cards or buy $700 bikes or blowing my bonus on someone’s bachelor party he might have his own checking account! But, until that day comes (when we win the lotto) joint it is!
Are you in my head!???? LOL.. this is currently a big battle of ours. It was very validating to know that we aren’t the only ones:)
LOL Jess! It’s validating for me to know we’re not the only ones too.
Hey Cindy, Happy Fourth
Wow..you touch upon so many things thats related to my life
(Guess its all the same world around,isnt it? Silly me!)
I always prefer separate account and as you said give me a HUGE sense of independence. Moreover dh tends to take risks with job which i think slows down his inflow and i want him to get lil worried on that. Else he becomes too drunk and lazy.
It irritates me too when he reads out my credit card expenses….am thinking of switching to email bills
Glad you posted on this and it goes without saying that i come here and listen to “my problems” being discussed as always. Keep it going Cindy. Cheers
Swapna
Thank you so much. It helps me too to hear that you (and others) are dealing with the same things.