Why Do People Cheat
“You can’t possibly conduct a proper affair without a lot of deliberating, scheming, speculating, and conniving. It’s a delicate balance where the excitement must equal the guilt and sex must be as bright as the future you gamble.” — John Dufresne
Affairs seem to be everywhere, don’t they? You hear about them all the time on the “news”. Celebrities and politicians seem to have more extra-marital affairs than adopted children from third world countries or inappropriate campaign contributions. I personally don’t give a crap who’s banging who in Hollywood, Washington or South Carolina so I don’t pay that much attention to that.
What does interest me is the sheer number of regular people that have affairs. I can see how celebrities and politicians develop over-inflated egos, think they are invincible and possibly had shallow marriages in the first place (married for career advancement, prestige, money, etc.). But, I have to speculate that most people who are not in the public eye marry for love, or at least what they think is love. I’m basing this solely on my experience in my small little circle of family, friends and acquaintances. As far as I know, everyone I know married for love.
Assuming that this is true for the vast majority of people, why do so many choose to cheat? The excuses given are pretty universal. My wife doesn’t understand me. My husband doesn’t pay attention to me. My wife has let herself go. My husband isn’t interested in sex anymore. I fell out of love with him/her. You get the idea. The same excuses have probably been used since the begininning of time.
I’ve known, or heard about, people from both sides of the fence. Cheaters and their injured spouses. I’ve known people that have been “in love” with the person with whom they are cheating and some who even ended up divorcing their spouse to marry that person. I’ve known people that have cheated as a way to get ahead at work. I’ve known people who cheated multiple times for years and years with different people. I’ve known people that cheated once, regretted it, were forgiven, and went on to have even better marriages. I’ve known people who have carried on the same affair with the same person for many years, never ending the affair or leaving their spouse. I’ve known spouses who have looked the other way. I’ve known spouses who forgave and moved on. I’ve known spouses who never found out. I’ve known spouses who wanted to forgive but the cheater was actually relieved to be caught so they could stop the charade and pursue an open relationship with the other party. I’m sure there are people who are cheating or who have cheated that I don’t even know about and would be shocked if I did because their marriage seems great from my point of view.
The effects on the injured spouses are also pretty universal with the severity of the emotional impact depending largely on the final outcome and the insecurities already firmly entrenched in their psyches. Injured spouses can feel hurt, shocked, betrayed, angry, stupid, embarrassed, worthless, depressed, vengeful, resentful, unattractive, unlovable, etc. I would imagine that these feelings would be more severe and last longer if the cheater leaves the marriage to be with the other person than when the cheater ends the affair and expresses sincere interest in repairing the marriage.
But what really causes a person who marries someone they love to eventually break their vows, risk everything and throw caution to the wind by cheating? I don’t think any of the universal excuses are the real reasons. I believe it’s something missing in the cheater himself (or herself). Assuming the cheater married with the best of intentions and the spouse is not abusive or crazy, I think the cheater married with the expectation that this one true love would erase whatever insecurities he/she had and fulfill all of his/her wants, needs and desires forever. I don’t think this is conscious but I do think it’s what many people truly expect from marriage. It is, of course, impossible for any one person to ever do all of this perfectly for another person, and therein lies the reason for the cheater to seek out a new improved partner. However, no matter how exciting it feels, how great the illicit sex is or how compatible the cheater and his/her new partner seem to be, the new partner will not be able to fulfill everything the cheater needs either. They may stay together but eventually the cheater will become disenchanted with that relationship too. The new partner will be blamed in the cheater’s mind. In fact, the problem has always been and will always be within the cheater himself/herself.
What do you think?
Thanks for stopping by!
interesting post, cyndi. my personal opinion? nature — biology — has us programmed to regularly and chemically become attracted to another human being. part of the “propagating the species” thing. if we thin out the gene pool, it is not good for the species, right?
given the opportunity to interact regularly and frequently with people of the opposite gender, whether a person is married or not, attraction will happen. to all of us, every last one, at least once after marriage. some people choose to act on it, others don’t. period. values? maybe. strength of the attraction? maybe. other circumstances? maybe. who knows. but some do, and some don’t.
the concept of marriage came into being when people generally lived to be about 25 or 30, not 80 or 100. originally it was a business transaction — marriage as a love bond is a contemporary idea, and probably not realistic for a lifetime situation nowadays. i think it takes regular re-commitment to one’s marriage and a conscious decision on a regular schedule to forsake all others.
outside of our anglo-saxon culture, there are very different perceptions about affairs. they are an accepted part of marriage in more cultures than not.
the thing that bothers me most is the dishonesty aspect, the betrayal. on the other hand, is my husband aware of my blog? no. did i keep many of my thoughts of leaving secret for years? yes. is this not betrayal too?
It’s true that western culture views extra-marital affairs differently than other cultures. I think you hit the nail on the head with the dishonesty. In our culture, when we marry, we promise to be faithful. If we didn’t make that promise and both parties agreed to have other relationships, the negative emotional impact would be removed from the equation. It’s that promise and then the betrayal that cause so much pain.
Attraction is definitely at least part biology, but also part psychology. The choice to act on an attraction when you have promised another to be faithful is huge and that’s what intrigues me. Some people are willing to risk the life they have built with their spouse and in many cases children, based solely on attraction, when we all know the initial exciting phase of attraction always fades.
I don’t think that keeping a private journal, or blog, is a betrayal. We are all entitled to some privacy. As for our thoughts, those too belong to us and we are not required to share each and every one of them with anyone, nor do we promise to do so.
My best guess is people cheat because they’re confused, unhappy, angry, lack self control … unwilling or unable to commit to one person, maybe they have intimacy issues. I’m not sure that affairs are all about sex.
I agree that it’s rarely actually about sex.
“…I personally don’t give a crap who’s banging who in Hollywood, Washington or South Carolina…”
I agree with this, Cyndi. I don’t care either BUT…the hypocrisy of some of these people is stunning. The lying, denying, finger-pointing at others…and then doing the very same thing. It’s worse than the cheating itself.
Good point. Those who preach about values, judge others, and then get caught with their pants down are particularly nauseating.
Faithfulness may be the one thing that serves to evolve the human species. Being a fully aware and conscious adult may save your life. Morality lessons, cultural norms, are of the past … we must become vigilant and honest with our own self now.
Mark Spitzer took a huge gamble, what was at the root of his actions … was it worth the consequences? His wife, her health was at risk through his actions. Strange, he knowingly had sex with a prostitute, no condoms … was he lying to himself?
Lies go along with self destructive behaviors it appears. Reminds me of what Eckhart Tolle said, “Evolve or die.”
I’ve always found cheating to be odd. I just really don’t understand it from a common sense standpoint. Just end the current relationship and pursue the new one – not that hard. It’s not like you just fell into bed with them, there were warning signs and lines crossed – address it THEN.
I think cheaters are either 1) really insecure weak people who are looking for love in all the wrong places when they aren’t getting it from their current partner or 2) really selfish narcissistic people who think they’re entitled to more than one partner and don’t have to apologize for it or be forced to choose, they should have it all.
I think that people cheat because of unmet needs. The cheater is trying to meet some of his or her needs. It may be attention, romance, love, to be valued, understood. Many times when one person is unfaithful it is because their partner is not meeting their needs. So, they go and look elsewhere.
There are also another class of people. These people have a sexual addiction. They are even in their addiction trying to meet needs. They are deluded in their thinking and believe that by being with someone they will meet their need for ease, comfort or love, etc. These individuals need therapy to get out of the addiction cycle.
Just my two cents.
Possible………are speaking of men or both men & women?
Men and women.
I’m a sex therapist, and I am actually surprised at how often an affair IS about sex. I think the problem is that our sex education basically stops in middle school. We aren’t taught how to keep sex lively, how to talk about sex with a partner, or to acknowledge that monogamy sometimes sucks. I have never met a cheater that I thought was legitimately justified in cheating on their spouse. Either end the relationship, or make your marriage better. Why cause so much emotional pain?
I think part of it is that people have a misconception of what marriage is…It is not eternal bliss and happily ever after. Once the honeymoon stage is over, then what?? To love and to be committed is a choice. There are too many people chasing after infatuation, and that always passes. To keep a marriage alive takes hard work, both working together. Add kids into the mix and it takes it to another level of reality. You have to together have a vision of what you want your life to be, how you want to raise your kids, what you like in bed…..or you will grow apart.
Yes!
i think people cheat when the marriage hits a bump or gets hard. people in this day don’t seem to value their vows or the meaning of marriage as people once did. we live in a throw-away society where when things get tough, people just chuck their partner or their friend out the window and find someone new where there aren’t any complications yet. people don’t like to work on problems – they’d rather just not deal with them.
Wow! Your readers have some great viewpoints on this subject. It’s wonderful food for thought. I agree with what you have said and believe that in many cases the real issue lies within the cheater’s undying search for a resolution to his own insecurities, wants and desires. Great post.
I agree 100% about my readers! I love hearing from so many different people with different perspectives, yours included. Welcome!