My Roller Coaster Life
“Peace is not something you can force on anything or anyone… much less upon one’s own mind. It is like trying to quiet the ocean by pressing upon the waves. Sanity lies in somehow opening to the chaos, allowing anxiety, moving deeply into the tumult, diving into the waves, where underneath, within, peace simply is.” — Gerald May
And therein lies my biggest problem…trying to quiet the ocean by pressing upon the waves.
I’ve spent my entire life attempting to avoid, control and even anesthetize my own feelings. I grew up surrounded by crashing waves of chaos and insanity. I taught myself how to temporarily escape it but never how to just dive in, feel it and let it go. It was too much for me then. As an adult, I kept up the same old worn-out, tired and useless means of attempting to grab some temporary peace whenever I could.
I grew up on a roller coaster that I had no control over and from which I was not permitted to get off. It took a huge toll and caused a lot of pain, but it feels familiar. While I feel the agonizing effects of anxiety and turmoil, and don’t like the way it feels, in it’s absence I still recreate it. I mostly do this in my own head with excessive worrying. I do enjoy the rare moments of true peace that I sometimes allow myself to experience but it feels strange, as if something is “off”, or about to happen. So, I start worrying about what that “thing” could be and the possible negative consequences. Once that train starts up the hill, I don’t usually realize it until after it’s already over the top and plummeting towards the ground. By then it’s too late and that old familiar knot in my stomach and feelings of helplessness and sadness are back. It doesn’t feel good but it’s what I know.
Instead of turning to others (mostly my poor husband) when I’m feeling this way or focusing on a distraction, I need to realize that I’m solely responsible for creating the chaos, face it, feel it, and stop it. There is no real chaos. It’s all a fabrication as a result of my own compulsive thoughts.
Well, sometimes in life there is real chaos. There are problems, emergencies and actual causes for alarm. And you know what? That’s when I’m at my best. Back when I had an actual career in the mortgage industry, I managed an entire branch. In addition to all the different personalities and each of my staff’ members’ own conflicts to deal with, there was always some sort of corporate, political nonsense going on and always, always, customers with loans that needed immediate attention. It was usually pretty intense. The busier and more intense it got, the better I felt. I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back I know it’s true. It felt familiar. It’s what I knew. It also served the dual purpose of distracting me from the mess that was my personal life at the time.
When I was unemployed, I worried about finding a job. Once I found a job, I lamented the loss of my free time. Now that I’m working, I worry about losing my job.
My personal life is in much better shape and I have a job. There really is no turmoil, chaos or actual reason for any anxiety. I still manage to find ways to create it. Yesterday, due to several events at work, I spent the better part of the day worrying. I called hubby and talked to him about it, generously spreading my worry and stress to him. It was all for nothing. None of the things that I worried about happened. And when I say worry, I mean that I got myself all worked up. By the time I called hubby I was feeling incredibly anxious. All for nothing. Even if what I was worrying about had come to pass, the worrying wouldn’t have stopped it or solved anything at all. It was never within my control to begin with anyway.
Worrying is my way of attempting to anticipate and fix potential problems so that I can avoid feeling pain. The thing is…it doesn’t work and actually creates it’s own painful feelings. It’s a vicious cycle and is completely irrational and self-defeating. I have to re-train myself to notice the compulsive thoughts when they start, stop them, and allow myself to just dive in and feel whatever feelings come as a result of actual events, past and present. I think it’s time to get off this roller coaster and ride only those that are fun.
Thanks for stopping by!
It’s interesting that the things that caused you such stress ended up making you so successful at your job. It’s a heck of a price to pay, but it shows that adversity does provide you with gifts you might not ordinarily have. I look at some of the “cool” kids that had it all back in high school, and because they never had to overcome anything or stretch their boundaries, a lot of them end up kind of dull and stunted.
That’s true. I wouldn’t be me, in many ways, if not for the way I grew up. That’s true of all of us. Good and bad. It just so happened that the bad caught up with me and quite literally knocked me on my ass. I’ve been compelled to deal with it ever since.
as a bipolar person with ptsd, i understand what you’re talking about. sometimes i feel so out of control of the things around me that i try to control other things such as the food that goes in my body. dumb stuff. ugh.
My grandma was a worrier, I watched her worry over everything … things that were not in her hands. And I catch myself doing this too, I sense it in my energy level. I really feel bogged when I let fears overwhelm me. Like a few weeks ago when my camera came up missing from my dining room table. My thoughts ran across all of the possibilities … every one who has a key became suspect. In the end I don’t know the absolute truth. This whole scenario left me feeling not safe. And I had to go through all of these things to see the action I needed to take; to change the lock on my door. This restored peace again.
How sweet you’re so damn tuned into things AT THE SAME TIME.
I didn’t mention the long line of worriers I come from, did I? Funny that that’s true for you too. In your camera situation, I would have assumed that I misplaced it somewhere because I’m so freakin’ unorganized!
I do know how you feel. I tend to worry when things quiet down here and I can think about all the bills that aren’t paid. All the Dr. appts to make ect. I tend to worry at a time that I can’t do anything about my problems but worry. I end up staring at the ceiling or reading a book (now you know why I read so much). You are absolutely right in your post. I love your quotes btw!