Taking Advantage
“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.” ~ St. Augustine
I’d like to preface this post by saying that although I’m talking about resentment, I don’t literally hope anyone dies! The quote is fitting as a metaphor, not as an actuality.
As has been well documented here, I have been a conflict-avoiding-people-pleasing-doormat in many ways my whole life. One of the most insidious results of living this type of life is that it builds all sorts of resentment. This came to my attention slowly and painfully and I have been working on it for the better part of two years.
See, behaving this way opens the door for others to take advantage of you. And they will. Even people that you are close to. Even people who really do love you. Even family. Even friends. Even more than people who actually do care about you, these people will spot you a mile away and pounce. It’s just not a healthy way to live. People will treat you exactly as you expect them to and/or allow them to.
When dealing with a blood-sucking parasite like a narcissist, it has become easy for me to spot them, steer clear, and not even come close to allowing them to take advantage of me. They are transparent to me now and I know they don’t love or care about me.
Where I still run into confusion is with people who I know actually do care about and even love me. There are two sides to this problem for me. The first one is that I am still having a difficult time letting go of some of the resentments that I’m harboring for ways they have taken advantage of me in the past. The second is that I sometimes still allow myself to be taken advantage of without realizing it until after the fact, when it’s way too late. I still sometimes try to avoid conflict with people I care about too.
Intellectually I know I am at least 50% responsible (probably closer to 90%) for allowing some of my relationships to become unbalanced. That’s basically what I mean by being taken advantage of. I put more of myself into the relationship than they do. This doesn’t mean they are evil or bad. It just is what it is. I’ve discussed this before, I just have to adjust how I behave in these relationships so that I don’t feel as if they are imbalanced.
Having said that, I keep doing it on occassion and then I not only feel resentment towards them again, but beat myself up for doing it! None of that does anyone any good at all, least of all me. It’s so tough to break the patterns of long standing relationships because as soon as you begin, the relationship changes. Yes, change is what I’m seeking but it still feels like a loss in many ways, particularly when the person in question doesn’t understand where I’m coming from on any level. They don’t see how imbalanced our relationship is and therefore, view the changes I make as selfish or somehow hurtful to them.
As far as having a difficult time letting go of resentment over past imbalances, I have let go of some of them (even some really BIG ones), after receiving assistance in figuring out how to go about doing it and a considerable amount of time. I know I need to just let it go but in some cases can’t figure out how to do that. I suppose it’s because I haven’t put enough thought into how to re-frame the particular resentment so that I can see it as less than a major catastrophe.
When I feel taken advantage of, I still sometimes question myself. Am I really being taken advantage of? Other times, it’s much clearer that I am most definitely being taken advantage of. Unfortunately, realizing it after it’s already happened, or allowing it to go on long enough to avoid conflict, is still poisoning me. Like everything else in life…it’s a process.
Thanks for stopping by!
Being upset over what people do or say needs only to be fully experienced and expressed in the moment that it happens and dealt with right then. No longer in the fog of feelings we can see better what the facts really are.
Nice post, and so timely too.
Great point. My main problem, with people I am close to, is that I don’t want to believe they are taking advantage of me so I question my own feelings and don’t express my concerns immediately. Then later, after I realize it, I fear the conflict, the possilbe consequences, even though I know I’m right. So, I avoid it and end up beating myself up and resenting them. Ugly feelings to hold onto. I didn’t even think about it when I wrote this because I was wrapped up in my own situations but you’re so right. It is timely isn’t it. Now what have you decided to do about the missing blog post?!
Yes, I posted it again last night. It’s third down on my recent posts … ‘Dating in Des Moines.’ Humbling too. I know you’ll feast on it. And I love that you feast on the same questions in life that I do. All a part of finding my own way. Thank God we’re all under the same stars. I get goosebumps you’re so in touch with life just the same.
You’re so good at writing these personal posts that I’m almost inspired to write about things I need to get off my chest. They sound helpful and inspiring coming from you. I’m afraid I’ll just sound bitchy and whiny.
LOl – thanks Les! I have had my share of bitchy and whiny posts myself. If this isn’t one of them then I’m happy, but they’re here and I’m sure you’ve read a few. Let your inner bitch out – it’s your blog and you can bitch or whine if you want to!
one of the major things i’m struggling with right now is trusting myself. i just don’t even trust my own instincts – about people, about situations, about anything. how can i ever trust others when i clearly don’t trust myself? gah.
I struggle with trusting myself too. Part of that was not ever really paying attention to my own thoughts, feelings and opinions on any given subject or person. I was so out of touch with myself that I was easily swayed into believing I was wrong. It gets easier the longer I practice.
Great Post. and…I’m stealing the quote! I really like it!