Because I Said So
“Leaders who do not act dialogically, but insist on imposing their decisions, do not organize the people–they manipulate them. They do not liberate, nor are they liberated: they oppress.” — Paulo Freire
As a parent, I greatly dislike pulling the, “because I said so” card. I still do pull it, but I make every attempt to avoid it if I can. Normally when I use it, it’s because I’m cranky or pressed for time. I found another time to use it during a debate with my 10 year old son the other day over cleaning his room.
His room is a disaster. For weeks, we have been asking him to clean it. He’ll go in there, and even stay in there for a couple of hours sometimes. When we go in later, it appears that nothing, or very little, has actually been put away. I have been extremely lenient with him about this because….well, because I’m the same way. I’m a procrastinator and not a particularly good housekeeper myself. I don’t want to add hypocrite to that list.
This is also fairly typical behavior for a 10 year old boy. It has gotten to the point, however, where we can barely walk in there. Hubby put the smack down last week. My little lawyer told me that it’s his “personal space” (I have no idea where he got this phrase! Even with all my psycho-babble, it’s not one I ever use.) and that he should be allowed to do whatever he wants in the only personal space he has.
I started off discussing this with him and attempted to provide him with enough good reasons to keep his room clean to convince him. I pointed out that it’s dangerous to have so much stuff all over the floor, that he can’t find a few of his favorite things, and that keeping it neat will make his “personal space” (God help me) more enjoyable to be in. He wasn’t having any of it. In fact, I got the distinct impression that I was actually being manipulated by my own child. I’m pretty sure he’s aware that I’d prefer to use logic and reason than to be a dictator and he was playing me like a fiddle. As any responsible parent would do in such a situation, I played the, “because I said so” card. Enough is enough.
The thing is, I don’t like telling my son, “because I said so”, or “while you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules”, or any of the other canned parenting phrases that they hand out like flash cards when we parents bring our newborn babies home from the hospital. I don’t know if it’s because I am still operating under the naive delusion that I will never, ever, ever do anything my parents ever did. It could be. I certainly heard those phrases often enough growing up.
I think it has more to do with my desire for my sons to be free-thinkers. I want them to question everything. Every time I pull the, “because I said so” card, I’m afraid I’m stifling their innate curiosity and questioning natures. That phrase, and others like it, closes the door to any further debate, discussion or compromise. It sends the message that I am the boss, this is not a democracy and there will be no questioning of my authority. As lovely as it would be for me if they were to do exactly what I say every single time I say it, I don’t want them turning into corporate drones, victims, conformists or blind followers out in society.
That word….hypocrite….just popped back into my head again.
Thanks for stopping by!
your post made me laugh! i was a horribly messy-room kind of kid, and also tend to be lenient on my kids because of this — oddly enough, as an adult now i am reasonably inclined to clean the house on a pretty regular basis (at least i think so — i am sure it would not meet some people’s standards). i think it is just the knowing that it will become completely overwhelming if i don’t keep up that keeps me keeping up!
from my own parenting experience with my kids, my daughter (who is 14) tends to let her room fall into a state of dismaying disaster, but when given the “i need for you to clean this by “blank” date”, she will come through and do it. she also is self-directed about taking showers
.
my son, who is 11, feels too overwhelmed as yet to clean his room — he walks in there and has no idea where to begin. so i help, but he has to do half. and i delegate tasks, so he knows exactly what i expect. we crank some music and we do it together. he likes it when his room is clean, and will spend more time in there (which makes it messy
). both kids will help me around the house, but only if we are doing it together (making me put my money where my mouth is).
i hope i send them off into the world being reasonably neat roommates and partners. even more important, concerned about cleanliness.
i don’t like to pull the “because i said so” for the very same reasons as you. and i rarely do. i don’t think you are being a hypocrite — maybe you want them to not have the same challenges as you when they grow up?
enjoy the mess while you can — someday it will be gone along with them….
He actually made some progress today. Honestly, I don’t care about the room all that much, but I would like to be able to walk in there and also for him to know where everything is. His Nintendo DS is lost somewhere in there! I even enjoy the mental sparring….I am challenged by a 10 years old, that’s pretty impressive!
Hahaha! His “personal space.” Where do they get this stuff? And at such a young age. It’s amazing how fast they learn!
You definitely handled it the right way, but I hate to inform you that you may have to use that phrase for many more years. Oldest Son still has the messiest room on the planet. I just shut the door and let him live in his own “personal” squalor.
Personal Squalor. That’s hilarious!
My youngest reminds me about my room when I mention hers needs some cleaning. And she’s right, mine needs as much attention as hers.
I grew up hearing phrases like, “Because I said so,” and I don’t want to pass them on either. And my mother telling me it was her house, now that I think of it, it gave me a feeling nothing was mine in it. Her methods lacked respect for me as a person.
We each need our personal space and how we keep it, or don’t, is not so important in the whole scheme of things. Once a week we clean and all the other days we live in it.
And I’m thankful our children are as free to express their thoughts as we are with them. I like the term mental sparring and use it myself