Co-Dependency ~ Control Patterns

2009 May 30

tags: Ann Brashares Quote, Co-dependency, co-dependent, Co-Dependent Women, Co-Dependents Anonymous, Control, Control Patterns, Denial, Love, Manipulation, People Pleasing, Psychology

by Cyndi

“Let me love you, but don’t love me back. Do love me and let me hate you for a while. Let me feel like I have some control, because I know I never do.” — Ann Brashares

Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

- Co-Dependents Anonymous

I’ve been dreading this one the most but I started it for a reason and I have to finish it. This is what I consider to be the ugliest side of the co-dependent person. All of the previous patterns, Denial, Low Self-Esteem and Compliance, all seem harmless enough to everyone but the co-dependent person themselves. The Control Patterns are much different, and are the most difficult to accept about yourself.

1. I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves:

This one did not apply to me, with one exception. My husband. When I was younger I also felt this way about my parents. I never felt this way about anyone else. I honestly believed, and he actually said it (again it takes two to create a co-dependent relationship), that hubby would be incapable of living without me. Literally. Whenever we had major problems that led me to the conclusion that he was not good for me and that we should divorce, I was always convinced to stay by this one pattern. He would bombard me with excuses for his bad decisions, beg me to reconsider, act as if his life would be over if we divorced, and I would believe it all. And I would stay, because I was afraid of what would happen to him if I didn’t. It is obvious to me now how preposterous this is. He’s a grown man, fully capable of surviving on his own. However, at the time, I thoroughly believed that he wasn’t.

2. I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel:

This is a tough one for me to decide. Either it didn’t apply to me or I haven’t been able to admit that it did yet. In fact, I can think of many examples where hubby actually attempted to convince me of what I should think and how I truly feel. However, if I’m completely in denial about this, I’d honestly appreciate it if anyone who knows me would point it out.

3. I become resentful when others will not let me help them:

Again, I’m not sure if this one doesn’t apply or if I’m just not able to admit it to myself yet. I believe that I tended to harbor resentment for helping too much, not the other way around.

4. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked:

I do this. I probably do this more than I realize and more now than I used to. Since I started studying psychology, I’m all about analyzing and advising. I don’t believe that I start it, but I could be in denial about that too. I am conscious of the fact that if a friend or family member presents a problem to me, I absolutely offer advice. I have no idea if this is appreciated or if it’s annoying. I do know that people in my life tend to feel comfortable talking to me about their problems so I operate under the assumption that my advice is appreciated. I hope that if I’m wrong, they will let me know.

5. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about:

I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m in serious denial. I don’t believe that this one applies to me either. Yes, if I’m out shopping and see something hubby will like, I will pick it up. I wouldn’t say that I lavish him with gifts though. I only buy gifts for others when it is called for during a gift-giving occasion such as a birthday or Christmas.

6. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance:

Ding ding ding! We have a winner. This one I can now admit to. I so did this. I’ve said this before; I am extremely lucky that hubby actually does love me and that I didn’t hook up with some manipulative pig who took advantage of this pattern when I was single. Yes, we’ve had our problems, and some big once at that, but he loves me. I have, however, gone along with his “plans”, even when I didn’t really feel like it, in order to gain his approval, acceptance and to feel loved.

7. I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others:

YES. This was me. If I wasn’t needed, then I didn’t feel secure in the relationship. It was just that simple. Along with the first pattern of not knowing my own feelings, wants and needs, this, for me, is the most insidious pattern of co-dependency. This is the one that creates the vicious cycle of insanity. If I wasn’t needed, then what good was I? Remember, I was only useful if I was doing or achieving. This ties into the belief that others can’t take care of themselves, which feeds the idea that you are needed.

I said that these are the ugliest patterns of behavior because they are truly manipulative tactics. Co-dependents aren’t consciously manipulative. We aren’t conscious of much at all. It’s all very passive, unconscious manipulation. We use these patterns to attempt to gain some control over our relationships because we feel, and always have felt, so completely out of control.

We are nice. We are people-pleasers. We believe that if we are nice enough, good enough, successful enough and do enough for others, that they can’t possibly criticize us or worse yet, leave us. We are martyrs. We can’t even begin to fathom how anyone could treat us poorly because we have bent over backwards to do everything for them. Why don’t they do the same for us? The answer to that question is that we don’t expect them to. We allow ourselves to be treated poorly, despite all of our efforts, because deep down we don’t believe we deserve any better. If we did, we would insist upon it.

It’s this thinking that leaves us so hurt, bewildered, confused and stuck. Many co-dependents never realize any of this and live their entire lives playing out these unhealthy patterns of behavior over and over and over again. Have you ever known anyone who seems to keep getting into one bad relationship after another? That person is probably a co-dependent. We are prime targets for narcissists, addicts and other toxic manipulators.

The main obstacle in breaking free of these patterns is that co-dependent people are so outwardly focused. We are so worried about our significant other’s moods, wants, needs, feelings and how we can take care of them that we rarely, if ever, actually look at ourselves. That is the key to realizing our own issues….looking inwards, attempting to make contact with ourselves, making conscious efforts to figure out what we feel, want and need. Only then can we make the changes necessary to break free of these destructive patterns of behavior. Once we do, it is the most rewarding, liberating and FUN experience ever!

Thanks for stopping by!