Co-Dependency ~ Compliance Patterns

“No one asks how or what I am doing. They could not care less. We’re all looking glasses, we girls, existing only to reflect their images back to them as they’d like to be seen. Hollow vessels of girls to be rinsed of our own ambitions, wants, and opinions, just waiting to be filled with the cool, tepid water of gracious compliance.  A fissure forms in the vessel. I’m cracking open.” – Libba Bray

Compliance Patterns:

• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
• I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
• I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
• I accept sex when I want love.

- Co-Dependents Anonymous

1.  I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger:

Ok, these posts are getting increasingly difficult for me to write.  This crap is embarrassing.  Nonetheless, this was me.  This was SO me.  I still have stop myself from letting this be me.  Hubby still has to remind me not to let this be me.  I did this at work all the time.  In reality, part of this was the usual politics that go on in any major corporation and that are necessary to keep your job, but part of it was my extreme aversion to confrontation.  I did this at home even more.  There were three major decisions that hubby made that adversely affected me in a MAJOR way.  Don’t get me wrong, I have never been the quiet, stand by your man type of doormat.  No, I would pitch a fit, threaten all sorts of consequences, but then eventually back down and bury it in order to avoid the conflict it caused.  It was less painful for me to deny my own feelings of anger, betrayal, humiliation and hurt than it was to stand my ground and demand that things change.

2.  I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same:

This gem of a trait is a direct result of becoming an expert at gauging other people’s feelings growing up with an abusive father.  I had to be hyper-vigilant in figuring out when he was about to blow so I could try to diffuse the situation.  As an adult, it was no different.  If hubby walked in the door with anything less than a cheerful hello, I was on guard.  I took on his mood as my own.  If he was angry, I became angry.  If he was happy I was happy.  My mood depended entirely on his.

3.  I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long:

Yep.  This goes back to my inability to disengage from people who I know aren’t good friends or who are toxic.  This is true of hubby as well.  At one time, he was not good for me.  I hung in there though, ignoring it all.  Loyal to a fault.  Hiding and rationalizing his behavior.  Luckily, he realized this during our separation and made changes himself.

4.  I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own:

I guess this one was true to some extent in some situations.  I’ve always been an outspoken person.  However, when it came down to serious issues between hubby and myself, this was definitely true.  I very rarely pointed out when I thought he was doing something I didn’t care for.  I was afraid of his reaction…the conflict.  Stuffing my own feelings just made life easier.  HA! 

5.  I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want:

I would pretty much do whatever hubby asked, and even try to anticipate what I thought he would want me to do in many situations.  What I wanted didn’t matter to me.  Hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted anyway.  This was true of others as well…my mother first and foremost.  I was a good girl.  Insisting on doing what I wanted to do seemed selfish.

6.  I accept sex when I want love:

I won’t disgust you with any actual details of this one but it certainly did apply in some instances.  I can’t separate sex and love.  To me, sex equals love.  Lucky for me, hubby does actually love me so this didn’t destroy my life like it could have if I had gotten tangled up with some pig when I was single.  There were many times though, that I didn’t really feel like it, hubby did, and I went along when I would have much rather just talked or gotten a hug.

Once again using  my ongoing example of the time hubby made a comment about my making sandwiches for dinner; he made a derogatory comment about me making sandwiches.  Rather than just say too bad that’s what I made or I’m sorry this isn’t what you wanted, I panicked because of what I perceived to be his rejection of ME.  I then took on his disappointment, beating myself up for being such a failure.  Now, this instance alone does not equal me staying in harmful situations too long, but this type of exchange between the two of us was fairly common, causing us both harm for many years.  I never once considered that sandwiches were perfectly acceptable, even though I was the one who chose to make them!  As soon as I realized he didn’t want them, my own opinion ceased to exist and I believed I had made an unacceptable dinner.  I don’t remember if I ended up making him something else for dinner that night, but I would have, even if I had other plans.  I also don’t remember if there was make-up sex but I would have taken it rather than a hug or frank discussion about what had gone on.

I’m reading an excellent book right now about manipulative people.  In it, he describes people-pleasers (co-dependents), who are extremely susceptible to manipulation.  There was one chapter in particular that was so spot-on I thought he might actually know me somehow!  I’ll have to write about the book once I’m finished.

Thanks for stopping by!

Related Reading:

Credit, Cash & Co-Dependency: How the Way You Were Raised Affects Your Decisions About Money

Wives of Alcoholics: From Co-Dependency to Recovery

Lost In The Shuffle: The Co-Dependent Reality

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