More On This Happiness Thing
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” — Albert Schweitzer
First and foremost, as I mentioned in my last pity party post, I am appreciative for how lucky I am. Today, my friend Jaime over at It’s A Jaime Thing, informed me of a completely devastating situation that a fellow blogger and mom is going through. Her son was recently diagnosed with leukemia. This is every parents’ worst nightmare and this family needs help. PLEASE head on over to her blog at Manic Mother to read their story and make a donation if you can. Perspective. Having a sick child, especially THIS sick, would be the absolute worst problem to have. I remain thankful that I do not have this problem, hope that I never do, and hope little Ezra pulls through this ok.
———————————————————————————————-
Still, I have been contemplating what one thing was making me the most unhappy right now. Of course, it’s nothing compared to what Ezra and his family are going through. Nonetheless, it is a problem for me. It’s my career. Or, more honestly, my complete lack of career.
As I’ve probably mentioned too many times for this to even be interesting to anyone anymore, I am wired to achieve, perform and earn. This can be a blessing, as in ambition, drive and financial success.
It can also be a huge pain in the ass, as when it all came tumbling down along with the rest of our economy in 2007. Up until that point I had been on a successful career path. My resume was fairly impressive, indicative of a professional who had worked her way up to the title of VP, running a $100M per month operation and making some serious dough.
When that company closed I got a generous severance package and while still receiving that, found a contract underwriting job, which also paid very well. It was a professional set-back, in that it wasn’t a step-up, but I was grateful to have a job at all with the mortgage industry in serious trouble. When that company closed, I went on unemployment. That lasted almost a year.
Money has been tight ever since. It had started to become a serious financial crisis here in our little family. Luckily, as often happens exactly when it is most needed, a solution presented itself when I finally was offered another contract underwriting position. I happily accepted and truly do remain grateful for this opportunity.
The people I am working with are great. The management is flexible and I will be able to work from home a few days a week. Much of the time we get to wear jeans, which is one of my favorite perks at any job. It’s a pretty sweet gig.
Having said that, it is not a step-up. I have no idea if there is any possibility of a career path through this position. I am low man on the totem poll doing a job that I moved on from over 7 years ago through promotions into management.
This is the problem, or at least the main one. I am accustomed to pursuing the next level. Moving on up. Right now I’m stuck in a holding pattern of doing a job I’m more than qualified for but that which may not provide much upward mobility, if any. In fact, since it’s a contracting position, they could choose to end my contract anytime.
This is a precarious and borderline terrifying position for someone like me to be in, professionally speaking. Up until 2007, I had always been extremely confident in what I was doing and in where I was headed. My next goal was always at the forefront of my mind and all actions were designed to get me to that goal as quickly as possible. Without exception, I succeeded in meeting those goals.
That has all changed. My goal for this week is to learn the new computer systems as thoroughly and quickly as possible so that I can become productive enough that they will want to continue my contract. After this week, my goal will be to continue to do the same. That’s about it. That’s all I can see for now.
This is completely foreign to me and is the main cause of my depressive state. I’m basically hanging on so that we can keep paying the bills. And that’s it. No goals of upward mobility. No real evidence of any future possibility of promotion. Just getting by day to day. I do realize this is not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination and that I am damn lucky to have a decent job that I don’t hate and that pays well. It’s just not my ideal. It’s not what I love. My insides don’t match my outsides.
Thanks for stopping by!
Cyndi,
Sometimes it takes a thing like what Ezra and the family are going through to help us put things into perspective.
The financial situation you are in and the ‘little turmoil’ that’s going through in you can be very unsettling. Your capabilites and ambitions may be put on temporary hold but you are what you are, no one can deny you or take that away from you.
Keep your active and creative mind on your scale of happiness. Move up on the levels in this happiness scale. You can do wonders for others.
it might help to try to look at your current situation with a slightly different perspective… first, i think it is a lesson in how NOT to let what you do for a living define you (something i myself have been guilty of). there are other things that define you — all the parts of you that you have parsed out on this site all blend together to form YOU, and your career is a significant part, but not the whole.
second, perhaps finding other areas to focus on that emphasize your gifts may make what you are doing for money seem less important — is this job less stressful than what you did before? will you have more time with your family? more time for friends? more time to write? money to pay for continuing your studies? not to compare with your year of unemployment, but of before, when you were at your highest (so far) professionally. and who will you meet in this phase of your life? what experiences will you have that would not have happened otherwise? and is this job not worth the year you had at home with your children and the time to sort out your marriage?
my best friend is someone whose life is continually tragic from every point of view — she is a widow who has been raising her kids alone for the past nine years. in the past year, she lost her beloved professional position of 20 years (due to a NASTY boss), her mother died, and her son attempted suicide (and almost succeeded). this happened TO her in a three month period. my issues paled in comparison, and yet she was always there for me. almost a year of unemployment allowed her to be there for her mother 24 hours a day for a month before she died, allowed her to be there for her son and watch over him, and she is now venturing on starting her own business (thanks to her inheritance from her mom). she is a continuous inspiration in looking forward.
my heart goes out to Ezra and his family. and to you too — you will find your way
Happiness can be a role we play, like many others it does not define who you are.
oh cyndi, i am definitely not trying to minimize your concerns or your upset — of course you own your problems and issues, and you are the one experiencing them, it is your life, and you are not living the lives of others. this is something i do tend to do with my own problems (minimize them).
what i meant by my statement was had you not been unemployed, you might have continued along the path you were on, and not had that year, which was from everything you have said a gift of time. if this current job is a price to pay (for now — i always say for now), was it not worth it?
i truly feel for you — it is not easy HAVING to work, especially if you are not enjoying it. i think women are raised to think a career/job is optional and we are entitled to love what we do, otherwise we should not do it. i do not believe that men are raised the same way, actually.
i hope you find the joy in the little things — for now. i am sure with the long road ahead you will find the right path.
hugs,
lynette
My current position is ending come May 31st due to the company closing (thank you wonderful economy). I already have an interview set up (surprisingly) for a new opportunity. I’m in the same mess of feelings that you are: on one hand I feel thankful that my transition out of one job into another might be a seamless one and I won’t have to feel that panic of not bringing in money and contributing to the household. But, on the other hand I already feel like I might be settling at this new job and don’t know how it will affect my happiness. The good news is that it’s an industry I’m hoping to get my foot in the door with so I can work my way up. My degree isn’t in this field, so I’m exploring school options, but in the meantime I have to sort of learn to be ok with low man on the totem pole. Also – I could go on the interview and NOT get it.. and then have the helpless, drowning, clausterphobic panic feeling of not having a paycheck!
I don’t envy you having a marriage and kids to take care of – and I don’t mean that in a snub kind of way – I just mean that I’m having a hard enough time just dealing w/ this and how it affects my life – I don’t know how I’d handle kids, etc. and balancing it! No wonder you’re a ball of nerves and on top of not smoking! Congrats on the not smoking by the way – I think that’s a great, healthy step!
You just need to look at this as a short detour to the job you want. Keep going to school and pursue your dream. Contracting is not a career, just a way to pay the bills for awhile. You know you don’t want a permanent position in this business (and you are young enough to escape one day!)
I truly feel for your situation. Your job does not define you. At least on so many intellectual levels but emotionally you know that you are meant to do more, to be more. It’s fulfilling in an area where you alone are responsible for the effort you put forth. There are so many things we try very hard at and have to rely on the efforts others to see any fruitful results. Like marriage, you can try all you want but put in effort alone you will fail. You can be an amazing mother but if your kids don’t respond well or turn out less than productive does that make you feel less successful? Work and promotions are “ours”, no one elses and it can provide a feeling of self worth and satisfaction that can truly make you happy. Knowing you are in a job that could hold back your growth must feel like a horse before a race. Lots of preparation, pent up energy and confidence but unless the gate opens…there is no winners circle. I don’t think its bad that you feel conflicted with the whole grateful for the job but…. I think it makes you know who you are and are confident in your abilities. Keep looking while doing what you have to, the opportunities will come eventually.
Good money, nice coworkers, work from home sometimes and no freakin’ pantyhose? Are you crazy woman?? This would be my dream job!!
But seriously, Cyndi, take what you can from it and when things get better, you’ll be prepared to move on if that’s what you need to do. Your drive and work ethic will take you where you want to be–you just have to wait until the economy allows it to happen.
You’re not a baby at all. I just think the timing with the nicotine withdrawal and all just makes it extra hard. You’ll be fine.
Cyndi,
Good that you could vent it all out here….I guess half the worry did flew out of the lil window
Quite often am caught b/w the thoughts to be contend with what i have now and thoughts to “climb up” to be “more” happy.There are times when former wins and at times the latter. On reflection now, i feel i was happy when i accepted the fact and let the time tide over it all.
Hope you also use the strength within YOU to sync up with your outside to be happy this moment, the next and the moments to come:)
Have a great weekend Cyndi. A million cheers for keeping up your word by not smoking. Am struggling to keep off junk food to reduce my weight!
Yes, of course looking at this from a different perspective will help me come to terms with the positives of my current “career” situation. It doesn’t define me anymore but previously did, for my entire life. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way back in 2007. Also, it is taking precious time away from me pursuing what I really want to (my insides not matching my outsides).
Yes, comparing this to what I did before is helpful. Unfortunately, I’m struggling with that as well. Instead I’ve been comparing it to the year I had off, and that just brings more negativity.
“and is this job not worth the year you had at home with your children and the time to sort out your marriage?” – This one I’m not getting. I’m not understanding what this job has to do with the year I had off, except that it ended it, at a time when we definitely needed it to end, financially speaking, which I already view as a positive thing. It’s also unfortunately brought up a previously dormant issue in our marriage, one that I overlooked during my time off but that has now been thrust into the forefront of my mind. We have some more work to do now, not less.
Perspective is necessary. Of course there are folks with bigger problems than mine, including people who are very close to me. Anyone can say that about any of their problems. That doesn’t change the fact that my problems are mine, but can help me see that maybe mine aren’t as horrible or devastating as they seem initially.
This is actually the point of these posts, to pull me out of the dark depressive state in which I can only see the negative and move me forward into a more realistic perspective of my situation. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL so writing about it and getting feedback is extremely helpful. Thank you for yours!
I know you weren’t trying to minimize my concerns. You were trying to point out the positives.
I do believe the end of my career and year of unemployment turned out to be blessings in disguise that taught me that working for a paycheck and/or pursuing the allmighty dollar at all costs is NOT how I want to live and is NOT what makes me happy.
This job is also a blessing and I do appreciate it for what it is. It’s a paycheck, when my family needed a paycheck.
What I’m having such a hard time with is that I know I was on the right patch before but just hadn’t yet made it to the point where doing what I love was paying any bills. This job frustrates me at the same time that I’m grateful for it because it takes time away from continuing to pursue my vision that I KNOW will eventually lead to financial success.
I hope that makes more sense. I haven’t exactly been clear on this, I see that now. This sorting out my feelings and letting go of resentment when I’ve held onto it for so long does not come easy for me. That is the point of these posts…to help me sort it out and get to a better place. Nicotine withdrawal isn’t helping! I should probably be heavily medicated right now in all honesty!!
I don’t like playing the role of “happy”, I want to actually be happy, or at least on the right path to it. I’ll get there, I’m just venting my dark thoughts to get them sorted out.
Well said, thank you Paula.
I know, I feel like such a baby, right?! I just got so used to being at home that this is a HUGE change and right back in the same industry that suddenly rocked my world less than 2 years ago. You are right, there are definitely positives and I can take what I can from it. It’s just going to be an adjustment.