Unorganized Nicotine Deprived Thoughts On My Life
“It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.” ~ Mark Twain
I quit smoking this weekend, as I promised myself I would. It wasn’t too bad until yesterday. Today, it’s almost unbearable. At first I was told day 3 was the worst, then day 4, now I’m hearing day 6. I’ll probably go insane by then. Or hurt someone. I guess there’s no difference between the two.
I had a wonderful and relaxing weekend with Gina at The Hershey Hotel and Spa. The spa treatments were some of the best I’ve had. We were pampered in every way and it was a wonderful, fun, relaxing trip. Thanks again to Joanie Winberg and all the sponsors!
I started my new job today as a contract underwriter. It was one of the longest days of my life. It didn’t help that I didn’t get home until late last night from our trip so I didn’t get as much sleep as I would have liked. I’m so not used to the morning or afternoon commutes. I’m not a huge fan of being the new kid on the block. After over 15 years in this industry it’s somewhat demoralizing to have to read guidelines all day.
I could probably live with all that though, I know I’m lucky I have a job and a well-paying one at that. I’m appreciative to those that saw fit to hire me and hope I live up to their expectations. What has me so upset is the realization that I’m missing out on so much of my sons’ lives. I realized this right after my first son was born and I had to go back to work right away. I managed to stuff that incredible sadness down for the past 10 years. After a year off work and being home for them so much more, that overwhelming feeling of grief, regret and helplessness is back, just like when I first went back to work all those years ago.
I’m certainly not the only mom who has had to go through this. I’m just the only one, in my little corner of the world who has to go through this for a second time 10 years later AND who is currently having a pity-party based in no small part on lack of cigarettes. I know they aren’t really sedatives but we smokers have convinced ourselves that they calm our nerves and I could really use that right now.
There’s more to it. In the past year I’ve realized that working in this capacity is not exactly my dream. I once thought it was. It now feels like a stifling self-constructed tomb from which I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to escape.
How do you find that balance between making enough money to maintain a tolerable lifestyle and doing what you love plus having enough time with your family? Is it seriously even possible or just one more fairy tale?
If only I could have just ONE cigarette….
Thanks for stopping by!
I know exactly how you feel! Minus the need for those cancer sticks!
Keep up the good work – think of all the money you are saving!
congratulations on making it through without nicotine! and i am so glad you had a good time on your weekend — i am sure you and your friend both needed that!
i have found a solution to the career/mom balance that works for me… i have a job i really like in a career path that interests me with loads of potential for post-child-rearing opportunities, and the perfect workplace. job in academia
flexibility, good bennies, and ample vacation time….
keep searching — i know you will figure it out — look how far you have come!
Oh, Cyndi. I completely feel for you. It’s so hard going back to work after being off for a while and facing the morning commute, even when you’re excited about being back in the working world and making money. And I’ve never had to do this while withdrawing from nicotine. It WILL get better, and I’m sure your kids know what an awesome mom you are.
Awww, sorry to hear about being away from your kids. I don’t have any, but I agree it’s tough to even be away from my cousins and God-daughter b/c they grow up so fast. Maybe you could go back to school for something closer to your ideal dream? You’ve been rockin’ it with these psychiatric posts – maybe that avenue?
Thanks ladies! The deal is that I do know what I want to do….be a Psychologist. I’m many years away from that though and wasn’t even able to register for next semester due to our financial situation.
I feel completely trapped doing what I’m doing now and in the short term, can see no way out. I had several weeks left on unemployment but was afraid to pass up this job because it’s the best one I’ve come across in a year….literally!
Today is day 5 of no smoking so hopefully that will go a little better. I still can’t believe I turned down a FREE pack at the gas station!!
The heart of a mom. I’m sure your kids loved this time with you … it’s not over though. And WOW, five days. That is BIG. Also functioning at a new job! I think they must have sensed you have that kind of stamina.
I admire the questions you’re asking because I think you know the world needs a place to go with their issues in life. Is it true that you absolutely have to give up that idea? You are so young and have a long life before you.
I think you can have everything you really want, and not have to choose one thing over the other. Keep dreaming and never stop blogging. It’s a great expression of you.
Just keep making tim efor YOU each and every day…Even if it is only ten minutes of blog time. You find a sense of peace when you devote time only for you. At my most stressful time between kids, work, divorce…etc…I would collect all the kids from their various day cares, set them up with snack/homework/etc. and close my bedroom door for thirty minutes, just so I could have some me time. By the time that door opened, I was the me I wanted to be most, and my kids AND I really appreciated that over screaming/over-stressed/I just got home from work Mom!!!!!!!
And smoking? First 48 suck the worse! Just don’t tell yourself you can have just one. Doesn’t work!!!!!
Thank you! I can’t/won’t stop blogging. It helps to keep me somewhat sane and sort things out. I know there has to be a way to get to where I want in the short term and also in the long term. I just haven’t figured out the short term yet. AND I REALLY WANT A FREAKIN’ SMOKE!!!
Thank you, and believe me, I’ve done the, “I can have just one” thing WAY too many times to even attempt to fall for that one again. Day 5 – still hanging in there. I’m not sure anyone I know still likes me though….