Co-Dependency ~ Low Self Esteem Patterns
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” — Diane Von Furstenberg
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
1. I have difficulty making decisions:
I’ve always been a very decisive person, in both my personal and professional lives. I have however, ignored clues and rationalized unhealthy behaviors, which if I had faced them, would have required me to make some extremely tough decisions.
2. I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough”:
This one used to fit me perfectly. It still does if I’m not incredibly vigilant. I used to put on a great show but inside was always afraid that I was a bad person and/or not performing well professionally. I constantly criticized myself extremely harshly, and didn’t even realize I was doing it.
This is probably the most difficult one for me to overcome because if I stop paying attention for even a short time, those old tapes start to play over and over again. I used to beat myself up for not doing enough at work then beat myself up for not being a good mom. Once I lost my job, I beat myself up for not having a job, and still do most of the time, although in reality I know I did not cause the mortgage credit crisis or my company closing.
I attribute this to the deeply ingrained previously unconscious idea that I was worthless unless I was over-achieving. Super-mom, super-employee, super-everything. Anything less than perfection felt like complete failure, and perfection is impossible to obtain so I always secretly felt like a complete failure.
3. I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts:
Yep, this goes along with the previous one. When you feel like a complete failure, it is embarrassing to accept recognition, praise or gifts. I felt like a complete fraud, on top of already feeling like a complete failure. This applied to even the smallest compliment (“I like your shoes”) and the biggest accomplishments I obtained professionally, such as excellent performance reviews, raises and promotions.
Another aspect of this pattern that applied to me was that I absolutely hated to be the center of attention. I had learned to make myself as invisible as possible in order to avoid the abusive attention growing up. This carried over into my adult behavior. It always felt somehow wrong to be in the spotlight in any way. On my wedding day I could almost feel everyone’s eyes boring into my back as we stood at the altar and took our vows. My irrational fear of public speaking, to even small groups of people I’d known for years, was well-known at my last place of employment.
4. I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
There are two sides to this. First, asking for help, in itself, implies that I am not perfect. Secondly, since I am a complete failure and worthless, how can I possibly expect anyone to want to help me with anything? I didn’t want to “bother” anyone with my unimportant requests.
This one is so insidious and difficult to overcome that I am currently having trouble with it. I’m sick today. I’m pretty sure (hoping) it’s a sinus infection and am going to the doctor tomorrow to find out for sure. I feel like absolute crap. However, I still wanted to clean the house, do laundry, etc. today. I didn’t do it. I rested. I know hubby will not be upset with me, think I’m worthless or mind doing any of it when he gets home from work. Nonetheless, all day, I kept having to stop myself from thinking that I should start these projects to avoid asking him for help when he gets home.
5. I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
Yes, this one too was true for me. If I even thought that hubby was going to be upset about something, I altered my behavior so as to not upset him, even when it was utterly ridiculous and/or inconvenient or even unhealthy for me. I went out of my way to “earn” his approval. What I thought he wanted me to do was more important than what I wanted to do. It bothered me tremendously if he disapproved of anything I said or did. The same can be said for my mother, bosses, friends….everyone to some extent, even complete strangers.
Conversely, I accepted others’ actions, behaviors and feelings almost unconditionally, even on the rare occasion when I had a fleeting thought that possibly they were negatively affecting me. I just assumed that my fleeting thoughts of distaste must be too harsh or just completely wrong.
When I first started writing this, it was difficult for me to understand how I could have been so decisive yet at the same time needed others’ approval. I finally understood. I was so adept at anticipating what others would approve of, I based my decisions on that most of the time, instead of what I wanted or needed.
6. I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person:
I didn’t realize it then, but in hindsight, I clearly did feel this way.
Ok, so back to the example of the time hubby made a comment about my making sandwiches for dinner. I made the decision to make sandwiches. I miscalculated his reaction and thought he would be fine with it, since he was normally pretty laid back about this type of thing. Once I realized I had made a “mistake”, the downward spiral began. I beat myself up for being an inadequate cook and wife. I assumed that his criticism meant that he also thought I was an awful cook and wife. In fact, he may have just had a bad day or simply didn’t feel like eating sandwiches that night. I reacted defensively by reminding him of all of his shortcomings and my previous good deeds that I’d unknowingly been holding onto for just such an occasion. If he could just focus on the good then his all-important approval of me would negate my own feelings of worthlessness. At no point did it even occur to me that he could be disappointed with what I made for dinner AND still love me. It was that black and white.
Writing this all out like this, it once again, sounds completely insane! I can’t even believe that’s how I used to roll before I finally started shining the bright light of self-examination into the deep, dark, spider-web-encrusted corners of my f—ed up mind. Yikes.
Thanks for stopping by!
Good Grief. I have so many of those patterns I’m scared now. I so much hate being the center of attention I didn’t even want to have a wedding, I HATE asking for help (although I have no problem giving it), and I’m always worried I don’t know something (and later find out I know way more than those around me that acted like they were experts). Thank goodness the wisdom that comes with age and the magic of a good SSRI like Lexapro, I’ve finally overcome most of these self-esteem issues.
I wouldn’t say that. I definitely don’t care so much about what other people think about me, but I still couldn’t give a speech to save my soul. I have worked up to where I can give my name and a few short sentences about myself without convulsing in panic. It’s a start.
WOW, I feel like this one was aimed at me too. Thanks for making me introspective, I’m glad you shared this. I know it was difficult to actually write it out. When you do it somehow makes it seem more real. But, now that you do see it, let us tell you what we see. (I know my view is limited being I only know you from here and FB) but…geez, you sound very put together, competent, bright, witty, talented…do I need to continue?
Excellent and very honest post – it reminded me of a lot of the qualities I need to start altering about myself. Thanks for sharing, and if you don’t mind I may steal the basic structure to do my own version?
WOW! That list totally defined how I was my first year and a half of college. With counseling and a new, good relationship I finally got out of that fog. That’s what it felt like, looking back on it, a fog.
I’m sorry, I’m not trying to scare anyone! This was, by far, the most difficult post that I’ve ever written, admitting all of this. It was embarrassing to me. I had it saved as a draft for several hours until I finally talked myself into publishing it. Some of it, I didn’t even realize until I was writing it. So, I clearly have a ways to go in the wisdom department, but I’m getting there. Sounds like you are way ahead of me…congrats!
Well, that’s not even a big issue if you aren’t required to give speeches for any reason, right? I took speech class intentionally my first semester back in college. It was scary, especially because most of my classmates were much younger than I was. I was petrified that they would think I was some boring old lady but it ended up being fun – yes, fun – and a HUGE confidence builder. Now if I only had a job at which I was required to speak in public again…
Thank you very much. If I do a reality check, I really am the things you said about me, except very put together. That one is only fleeting so far.
I could never have accepted those compliments about myself before, let alone admitted publicly that I agree. I did an exercise that I got from a book over a year ago where I asked 5 close and trusted people to answer questions about me, honestly, good or bad. They all met me at different times in my life and yet they all said the same things, including all of the things you said. It was life changing. Believe it or not, I fully expected them to describe me completely differently. That was what proved to me that I had an extremely unhealthy and distorted view of myself….hence, the quest to obtain knowledge and enlightenment.
The whole point of this blog was to admit to these types of things…to kind of purge the shame, if that makes any sense. These are difficult and aimed only at me. However, I do realize that many others feel the same way about some or all of the things I write about and if it helps to erase their shame (because there’s no reason for any of us to feel ashamed about how we feel) or at least realize they are not alone then that’s great too.
Thank you! And no, I don’t mind, steal away!
That’s how I describe it now too… a fog.