Comments on: Co-Dependency ~ Denial Patterns

By: Co-Dependency ~ Low Self Esteem Patterns | So Much More Than A Mom

Co-Dependency ~ Low Self Esteem Patterns | So Much More Than A Mom — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 06:33:37 +0000

[...] always been a very decisive person, in both my personal and professional lives. I have however, ignored clues and rationalized unhealthy behaviors, which if I had faced them, would have required me to make some extremely tough [...]

By: Co-Dependency ~ Control Patterns « So Much More Than A Mom

Co-Dependency ~ Control Patterns « So Much More Than A Mom — Sun, 31 May 2009 02:31:32 +0000

[...] what I consider to be the ugliest side of the co-dependent person. All of the previous patterns, Denial, Low Self-Esteem and Compliance, all seem harmless enough to everyone but the co-dependent person [...]

By: Co-Dependency ~ Compliance Patterns « So Much More Than A Mom

Co-Dependency ~ Compliance Patterns « So Much More Than A Mom — Fri, 29 May 2009 03:17:45 +0000

[...] again using my ongoing example of the time hubby made a comment about my making sandwiches for dinner; he made a derogatory [...]

By: Co-Dependency ~ Low Self Esteem Patterns « So Much More Than A Mom

Co-Dependency ~ Low Self Esteem Patterns « So Much More Than A Mom — Tue, 12 May 2009 04:08:06 +0000

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Sun, 10 May 2009 00:18:37 +0000

No worries, it’s all good. Hope the rest of your weekend is better.

By: lynetteb

lynetteb — Sat, 09 May 2009 23:55:38 +0000

sorry, cyndi, you’re right. i am in a pissy mood (can you tell?) and your post and comments really hit a nerve.

my apologies

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Sat, 09 May 2009 22:36:45 +0000

You are correct, my husband is not and never has been abusive. By saying I was in the same situation I meant that my husband did things that were unacceptable to me and I continued to subject myself to those behaviors. I was, however, abused as a child so I do understand exactly how it feels to be a helpless victim to an abusive adult. I also don’t believe that anyone ever deserves abuse. What I said was that it takes 2 to create a co-dependent relationship.

By: lynetteb

lynetteb — Sat, 09 May 2009 21:47:07 +0000

for me, i accept responsibility to a very limited extent for not leaving earlier — i made over and over what i believe was the right decision for my kids — and for not forcing the issue. i don’t believe you were in the exact same position as i am now and have been for a long time. similarities to be drawn perhaps…..

but i will not now or ever accept responsibility for being abused. it does not take 2. it takes one. like rape, it is a violation and an exercise of power. the target (i refuse to say “victim”) is not the reason. i was never the reason for his violent behavior. i never deserved it. and i do not believe that any abused woman deserves any blame or judgment for not getting out and away — it is scary, sometimes impossible, and often fatal.

it has taken more than a decade of my speaking up and four years of counseling for my husband to kind of understand that he has created unbelievable damage to me and to our marriage. i think your husband and mine may be of a different variety….

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Sat, 09 May 2009 17:42:09 +0000

No need to apologize. I was in your exact position a little over a year and a half ago. I asked too. But you hit the nail on the head….no consequences for behavior you don’t find acceptable equals acceptance of that behavior. I begged, argued, screamed and threatened for over two months before finally standing my ground, saying enough is enough, and kicking him out. The consequence of having to live elsewhere took some time to sink in for him. At first he just thought I was evil for doing that to him (it takes 2 to be in a co-dependent relationship). Finally, he realized that his own behaviors landed him in his current predicament, just as I had realized about myself months before.

By: lynetteb

lynetteb — Sat, 09 May 2009 17:27:52 +0000

in my case, i DID stand up for myself. i asked for help. i asked for more sharing of household chores and obligations. i asked for time alone. i asked him to stop cursing at me when we argued. i asked him to stop grabbing me. i asked him to contribute more. i asked him to consider my feelings too. i asked him to help with parenting. i asked him to treat me better. i told him i would end it if he did not. i never martyred myself or played the victim. i was always clear. he chose not to listen because there were no consequences to not listening — i never followed through on ending it if he could not adjust his behavior to the marriage. he thinks i am both his punching bag and his mother.

the one thing i have not asked him to do is leave. and still i deny and deny how angry i am, how hurt i am, and walk around feeling like a total loser for putting up with it DESPITE the fact that i have spoken up, over and over again, for 15 years.

sorry — you hit a nerve