Co-Dependency ~ Denial Patterns
“Get through the moment. Avoid confrontation. Run away. That’s pretty much how we get through our own lives, watching television. Smoking crap. Self-medicating. Redirecting our own attention. Jacking off. Denial.” — Victor Mancini (in Choke)
Denial Patterns:
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
As I listed the 22 Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence in a previous post, I thought it would be helpful to break them down in more detail, by category, as experienced and brought to my attention in my own life.
1. I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling:
While I have made tremendous strides in this area over the past two years, it was an extremely slow process. It never occurred to me but I really had NO idea what I was feeling at any given moment and certainly could not express my feelings, particularly negative feelings, AT ALL.
What I’ve come to realize is that anytime I was feeling sad, hurt, taken advantage of, betrayed, etc. I simply buried it. If not, I reacted with anger. My anger was usually self-directed but on occasion I would explode with outward-directed anger. Sometimes the recipient of my outburst was deserving of it, sometimes not at all, and other times may have been deserving of some anger but what I was dishing out was a gross overreaction to the current situation.
Going through life not being able to identify my own feelings filled me with resentment and pent-up rage that I wasn’t even aware of. Emotions of any type were considered taboo, could result in losing or damaging an important relationship, and so were completely suppressed….until the blow-ups. Which leads to the second characteristic.
2. I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel:
The blow-ups then led me to feel horrible about everything, even when some part of what I was complaining about was, in fact, worthy of discussion.
My overraction, however, set off a vicious cycle in which I felt I then had to be on my best behavior to make up for my outrageous accusations and expression of feelings. ”Nice girls” (and it was of utmost importance that I be perceived as a “nice girl”) just don’t behave this way.
I would then beat myself up for being such a bitch, regardless of the fact that at least part of what I was bitching about was legitimate. I would rationalize the other party’s behavior and come to the conclusion that I was a horrible person, not worthy of any positive regard, love or validation of any of my anger. I determined that I was just wrong and therefore, they were in the right. This was complete denial of my own feelings and of their unacceptable behavior.
3. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others:
Once I was back on the nice-girl-behavior-band-waggon, I went out of my way to do things to regain my status of nice girl, or to be perfectly honest…martyr. I did all sorts of things for others that weren’t necessary or even requested of me. I honestly believed that I was unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was completely selfish and had ulterior motives for all of it.
To tie all of this psycho-babble together….a real-life example of these characteristics….
Hubby makes an off-hand comment about me making sandwiches for dinner instead of cooking. I completely freak out, accusing him of being a sexist pig and furthermore, if he doesn’t want to eat sandwiches, he can make dinner for once. Who does he think he married anyway, Suzy Homemaker? Not me. I’m a career woman bringing home a lot more money than he is AND responsible for dinner AND taking care of the kids…I go on and on about all that I do and that he does very little. He understandably gets defensive, tells me I’m overreacting, back-peddles about the comment he originally made. It’s too late, I’m in full-blown freak out and bring up all sorts of past transgressions, both major and minor, to prove he’s an insensitive selfish person and that I am a completely innocent do-gooder. He responds with all sorts of defensive comments and pretty soon we’re in a major argument that lasts for days.
Had I understood what I was really angry about, which were the past major and minor transgressions and the unbalanced nature of our relationship, I could have calmly brought these topics up in an appropriate manner. However, since I was in denial both about my feelings and about the past transgressions and imbalance in our relationship, it all came out as verbal vomit over one fairly minor comment. This got us nowhere but hurt, angry and confused.
One of us would end up apologizing profusely. It wasn’t always me. Most of the time I was in denial even about how badly I felt for flying off the handle and would fight to my self-righteous death over this before I’d admit to any wrong doing on my part.
I would feel badly about it though. I’d even feel lucky that the conflict had passed without me being abandoned or made to admit to my irrational behavior. I honestly had no idea where it came from anyway. Then I’d be back in nice girl mode, doing more and more for him, despite my resentments. Anything to avoid another conflict.
Crazy? Absolutely. In hindsight it sounds downright absurd and obviously dysfunctional. At the time, I thought I was the perfect wife and that he was not quite perfect but was nowhere near ready to face the real problems that I had with our relationship.
Thanks for stopping by!
what a lot to think about here…. i see myself in those first two lines — i do not know what i feel and i alter or deny what i feel. i would not say i perceive myself to be selfless (but i do believe i am less selfish than my lazy mean husband, and the kids are old enough to make their own comments that indicate they think the same, so i have back up).
my promise to myself after my dad died was to really live my life (what is left of it) — and that meant enough denial, enough pretending, enough, enough, enough.
my husband never apologized for anything until it was clear that i was serious about ending the marriage… i am working on how that makes me feel
I would so much rather have someone tell me what’s wrong right away than sit and stew. Hubby gets into these pouting moods and leaves me to guess what the heck I did this time. He’ll brood for days. I, on the other hand, will get mad and flip out (overreact?) and then get over it. Don’t know if this has anything to do with co-dependency, but your post made me think about this.
in my case, i DID stand up for myself. i asked for help. i asked for more sharing of household chores and obligations. i asked for time alone. i asked him to stop cursing at me when we argued. i asked him to stop grabbing me. i asked him to contribute more. i asked him to consider my feelings too. i asked him to help with parenting. i asked him to treat me better. i told him i would end it if he did not. i never martyred myself or played the victim. i was always clear. he chose not to listen because there were no consequences to not listening — i never followed through on ending it if he could not adjust his behavior to the marriage. he thinks i am both his punching bag and his mother.
the one thing i have not asked him to do is leave. and still i deny and deny how angry i am, how hurt i am, and walk around feeling like a total loser for putting up with it DESPITE the fact that i have spoken up, over and over again, for 15 years.
sorry — you hit a nerve
sorry, cyndi, you’re right. i am in a pissy mood (can you tell?) and your post and comments really hit a nerve.
my apologies
Yes, direct communication is best for everyone involved. I ignored when I was pissed off, pretended that I wasn’t and that would turn into this undercurrent of constant resentment that I allowed to build up for over TEN years, all to avoid real conflict because that was more important to me than taking a look at my own imperfections.
Sometimes people do just get mad or “flip out” and that may just be how they roll. For me, the main “symptom” of co-dependency is being completely out of touch with your own feelings. I literally could not have explained what I was feeling at any given moment. I simply didn’t know. My first clue that anything was wrong at all was over a year of serious insomnia. Some nights I would sleep a total of 1-2 hours, in 15 minute intervals. I had no idea why and it took that long for me to even consider the possiblity that maybe it was more than just stress at work.
I felt the same way about my husband, minus the “mean”. I considered him to be lazy and selfish and I was just a victim. That’s crap. I allowed certain unacceptable behaviors and treatment. I wasn’t a child. I was an adult with the power to insist on the treatment I deserved or move on.
I thought of a better way to put this: I spent all my time thinking about, “how could he treat me this way?”, instead of, “why have I allowed myself to be treated this way?”. This outward focus is key to a co-dependent relationship. Others will treat us exactly as we allow them to. In my case, growing up with narcissists did not provide me with the tools to look at myself or even the idea that it was important to do so. It is.
No need to apologize. I was in your exact position a little over a year and a half ago. I asked too. But you hit the nail on the head….no consequences for behavior you don’t find acceptable equals acceptance of that behavior. I begged, argued, screamed and threatened for over two months before finally standing my ground, saying enough is enough, and kicking him out. The consequence of having to live elsewhere took some time to sink in for him. At first he just thought I was evil for doing that to him (it takes 2 to be in a co-dependent relationship). Finally, he realized that his own behaviors landed him in his current predicament, just as I had realized about myself months before.
for me, i accept responsibility to a very limited extent for not leaving earlier — i made over and over what i believe was the right decision for my kids — and for not forcing the issue. i don’t believe you were in the exact same position as i am now and have been for a long time. similarities to be drawn perhaps…..
but i will not now or ever accept responsibility for being abused. it does not take 2. it takes one. like rape, it is a violation and an exercise of power. the target (i refuse to say “victim”) is not the reason. i was never the reason for his violent behavior. i never deserved it. and i do not believe that any abused woman deserves any blame or judgment for not getting out and away — it is scary, sometimes impossible, and often fatal.
it has taken more than a decade of my speaking up and four years of counseling for my husband to kind of understand that he has created unbelievable damage to me and to our marriage. i think your husband and mine may be of a different variety….
You are correct, my husband is not and never has been abusive. By saying I was in the same situation I meant that my husband did things that were unacceptable to me and I continued to subject myself to those behaviors. I was, however, abused as a child so I do understand exactly how it feels to be a helpless victim to an abusive adult. I also don’t believe that anyone ever deserves abuse. What I said was that it takes 2 to create a co-dependent relationship.
No worries, it’s all good. Hope the rest of your weekend is better.