Narcissistic Mothers
“I do not love; I do not love anybody except myself. That is a rather shocking thing to admit. I have none of the selfless love of my mother. I have none of the plodding, practical love. . . . . I am, to be blunt and concise, in love only with myself, my puny being with its small inadequate breasts and meager, thin talents. I am capable of affection for those who reflect my own world.” – Sylvia Plath
There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers. Ms. Plath herself indulged in the ultimate narcissistic act when she committed suicide by sticking her head in the oven while her two young children were asleep in the same apartment. How thoughtful of her to have sealed off their rooms with towels so that the fumes wouldn’t consume them too. She needed someone to live on to remember her and care that she was gone.
Narcisstic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only. More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.
They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s”. They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom…watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.
Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so over-sensitive.” and “You’re overreacting.” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.
These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to shop for clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for daycare, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.
They will smother and over-protect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep them under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and over-protected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.
They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to the children as early as possible. They will insist that they pay for their own personal items and clothing as early as possible. Older children will become responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilites her children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation.
Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently towards their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrong-doing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely re-writing history.
Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one , they will talk to another about it.
They are jealous of their childrens’ successes, even though they brag to others about them (’see how great MY kids turned out”). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”, it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.
These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself. She raised you to blame yourself for everything. It is, however, necessary to do so in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.
Interesting related link regarding Suicide and Sylvia Plath: Ecstatic Suicide
Some online resources:
Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Playing It by Heart: Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What
Choices : Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Codependence and the Power of Detachment
Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
Boundaries – Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
Breaking Free of Addictive Family Relationships (Healing Your Own Inner Child)
Thanks for stopping by!
Related Reading:
Related posts
The only thing that comes to mind….
“NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!”
Wow. Nicely written and perfectly nauseating. I loved the last line: “Thanks for stopping by!”
….mmmmmm….sounds familiar!
Wow Cyndi. You are so much better than Dr. Phil. I’m so glad I can get back to reading your posts every day!
Hi Cyndi,
Excellent article, thanks for that. It puts the horror of being the child of a narcissist so well. I had one of those lovely mothers myself. The fun!
All best, Danu
This article fits my mother to a T. And it enrages me that she can be this way.
Wow, thanks for that information! My N Mom is 86 and still working diligently to destroy her children’s and grandchildren’s lives. I moved back to Ohio to take care of her 5 years ago, I thot I could handle it and I can’t. I’m once again taking an online refresher on Ns to help ease the guilt and pain I feel inside for having been born.
Well, i wouldn’t even bother to look after my mother in her old age. After having dreams for years of attacking her violently and stabbing her to death (no offence, but that is how bad it got), i’ve completely disengaged from her.
Shame about the rest of my family though. My other siblings have such intense phobias, they are on disability pensions and cannot work. One of them cannot get on a plane, into the lift, stand on a bridge, or go under water. The other cannot even leave the house – faints if she is away from the door 50 meters or so.
I, on the other hand, never felt fear, only immense hate and rage towards her. At the age of five i new innately something was wrong with my mother – after all, what kind of mother shuts herself off in the bedroom for days on end, weeps and tells everyone how horrible they are to her, and how she will kill herself? (not that she ever would, but i surely wished she did).
Watching my brothers go into panic attacks when she flew into rages (when she couldn’t get her way) was something else; if i had a big baseball bat i would have bashed her senseless, just so she could stop inflicting pain on the rest of the family. But i didn’t, because i know if i did, i would have been locked up forever. I used to have to throw my siblings into showers and let cold water run over them, because they were not able to come out of their shock state. Imagine watching those scenes, and then when dad came home, i was the one who was blamed for starting all the arguments. Trust me, it is completely natural to hate someone like that and fantasise about killing them.
Today if i spend more than 5 minutes with a person who talks about themselves only, i just want to vomit. i cannot tollerate any form of self-involvement, narcissism, selfishness, hysteria or manipulation. All i know is if i don’t get away, i may well snap their neck – because i cannot listen to it anymore.
Best of luck to all of you out there who are dealing with those kinds of parents – i think mine top the cake.
Excellent post Cyndi. As the daughter of a narcissistic mother I can totally relate to what you’ve written here – you express it so well. Thanks! Danu
Forgive me, but I am wondering what purpose it serves to promote bitterness and anger towards ones mother, for mistakes that she might have made. None of us are perfect. We all fall short. While I agree that the genuine abuse of children needs to be dealt with, there should also be forgiveness, and a realization, that many mothers were only doing the best they knew how (probably because they were raised in the same environment. My mom made mistakes too, but she was my mother, and I choose to let those things go. I forgive, because Christ forgave me. I am a mother, and I make mistakes too, and so does every mother! Maybe you perceive your mistakes as not being as great as another mothers, but what do your children think? Do you want them to hold your mistakes over your head? Please consider this, and the effect that your words can have on the ability that one might have in showing forgiveness and being able to move on from a mother that may have made mistakes. Let’s choose to honor our mothers and fathers. We may feel like they don’t deserve it, but then will we really deserve it either when our children are grown. Just my thoughts, that I am intending to deliver in as respectful a manner as possible! Thanks and God Bless
I forgive you, but I’m not certain where you got the idea that I was promoting bitterness or anger towards anyone’s mother for mistakes she might have made. This post describes what it feels like to grow up as a child with an abusive narcissistic mother.
I don’t see how an entire childhood filled with abuse can possibly be chalked up to, “we all make mistakes”. There is a colossal difference between abuse and the normal everyday mistakes that we all make. Abusers don’t necessarily deserve to be forgiven, particularly when they never show any remorse or acknowledge and even blatantly deny that it ever took place. I don’t believe that all mothers and fathers (or people in general for that matter) deserve to be honored just because society or organized religion say we “should”.
I have taken into consideration what my mother’s upbringing was like. It was very similar to my own. I do empathize with her. One of the many differences between me and a narcissist is that ability to empathize. They just don’t have it in them. Everything is all about them. Another thing that it’s virtually impossible for a narcissist to do is to realize that she is abusing her children. Ever. She sees them as objects, as extensions of herself, not as unique individuals to be loved and valued for who they are, only to be praised for what they do for her. It’s my contention that one’s childhood is not our fault but our behavior as adults is 100% our responsibility. It’s a mother’s responsiblity to not abuse her children, regardless of her own upbringing. Period.
I’m happy that you have been able to forgive your mother for her mistakes because Christ forgave you. I too am working towards exorcising my demons, letting go and moving on. I’m just taking a much different path than you. The point of this, and most of my other blog posts, is to get it “out there”. It helps me to write about my experiences. After a lifetime of keeping all sorts of dirty secrets about what went on in my childhood home, it is therapeutic for me and assists me in sorting it out and moving on. Sometimes even to forgive. It’s also helpful for others who read this and identify with it. They know they aren’t alone. They also know they aren’t crazy. Being abused as a child and then having that abuse kept secret and even denied, makes you feel crazy. Connecting with others who have experienced the same can help to not feel crazy and actually helps to get over it. Did you read only this post? I know you don’t follow my blog normally but if you did you would know that I am on a path to enlightenment, making sense of my past and present, and letting it go.
As far as my children are concered, of course I have made and will continue to make mistakes. I hope they don’t hold them over my head, but if they do, we will deal with that together. They are not abused and I’m not a narcissist.
the first thought that came to my mind when i was reading through was”What mother could be like that?” but after reading the comment I feel ashamed of being so naive. I do know some mothers who may have some of these traits but hard to know if they are truly narcissist. As you said they act differently in public.
Thank you for this information as it helps identifying such children and helping them in anyway possible.
Hi Cyndi, your article really hit home. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did but your writing about it really made me feel good to know there is someone else out there that also had a narcissistic parent and understands the damage done to the lives of people around them.
My mother died over 21 years ago and three months after she died, I realized my life had improved because she was no longer around. About 13 years ago, I did some therapy for the affects her alcoholism had on me and my life improved even more so I thought I had addressed my issues with her.
Then I read your article. OMG! I never thought of her as being a narcissist but your article nailed it. So I started researching narcissism and it has already made a bigger improvement in my life than her death and my previous therapy in just a couple of weeks. Your article and my research made me realize I have been miserable my whole life and I just accepted it. I am changing that now that I see all the extremely negative affects my mother’s actions had on me my whole life, even after she died. (Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W. Brown has been a great study guide.)
Your statement ‘These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships’ was exactly what happened to me and I didn’t know it. Thanks to your article I see that now and can do something so I can look forward to a happy future by stopping the pain, fear, and loneliness that has plagued me for years.
Thanks for writing! It’s made huge difference in my life!
Oh Kim, you don’t know how much this means to me or how similar my path to this awareness was. I thought I was past all of it and didn’t realize how unhealthy my own relationships and self-image were until it suddenly hit me like a brick out of nowhere and I didn’t understand why. I finally got into therapy too because I honestly had no clue what my problem was. We are so not alone, and it’s great to find that out. Thank you so much! I may have read that book (I’ve read SO many) but if not, it’s now on my to-read list.
Wow, I had a light bulb moment. My mother has many of the characteristics you described. I grew up with a very critical, over bearing mother, who tried to control everything I did, and actually still does. My mother has never acknowledged my pain, any time I have tried to talk to her she completely makes me feel like I am crazy. I have never heard her say I’m sorry, for anything. I have spent so may years trying to unravel the damage done, at times it is overwhelming. She wants to be the #1 priority in my life, and has a very difficult time understanding that she is not. I also grew up wondering why?? Why I did not feel loved?? I have learned that keeping her at a distance is the only way that I can have a somewhat “Normal” relationship. I could go on and on but I won’t. Thank you for opening up your heart to all of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone.
Wow, I had no idea. Thank YOU for your comments. I have finally learned exactly what you have. Distance is key. At one point just about everything she said made my skin crawl. I can see her differently now and our relationship is better for it.
My mom denies everything too, re-writes history and blames me. She actually insinuated to my sister that I flat out made something up when she asked her about it. I finally realized it is pointless to try to talk to her about my childhood at all. The only thing that still kills me is when she judges (this, of course, happens often) other women for not leaving their husbands for one reason or another when she stayed with my abusive (he didn’t abuse her) father until the day he died. I try to just change the subject when this happens but I really want to scream.
And feel free to go on and on anytime you want. I love comments!
A friend of mind recommended this blog when we started talking about my realization that my mother is a narcissist (I’ve always known something was off, but the fact that my mother does undeniably love me even though she’s a lunatic has always made it hard to look at her issues objectively). Reading this…I could just burst into tears at any moment. Thank you soooooooo much for sharing. I too WANT to be a mother one day because of the amazing experience that will be and because I want to have a hand in creating a self-aware and loving creature but I am going to wait until I am financially and emotionally ready and able to put them first because THAT’S the kind of mother I want to be: the kind I never had. Love is amazing but it’s not always enough…
Thank you for coming her and for your comments (and thanks to your friend too)! It is a difficult realization and it’s a painful road to get there, isn’t it? Luckily, at least I have found, that once dealt with, it’s actually liberating because I learned….IT WASN’T MY FAULT! You might find something in the post as well: http://somuchmorethanamom.com/2009/04/22/facing-the-cold-hard-facts/. I’m sure you will be a great mother because you have taken on the task of figuring out what NOT to do.
I am so glad I found your blog…..this post really resonates me as I’ve been in therapy to come to terms with my depression, only to learn that it is my childhood and upbringing by a narcissistic mother who is the main cause. My mother has never let me speak my mind or say No to her. I was always the one doing everything as I was told. She was never that interested in me as a kid, never played with me or helped me with homework, never talked to me about personal things or life lessons. She just drove me to soccer practice and kept turning the radio down when I wanted to listen to it. She constantly criticized my friends, and still does. If I ever showed any signs of emotion or concern, she would accuse me of being “on drugs” (her way of saying “you’re crazy”).
As an adult she made some decisions about her life that made it completely clear that her 4 grown children (and their children) were not priorities in her life. She now doesn’t understand why I am hurt. She is now very critical of my blog where I merely mentioned her once, and she put her 2nd husband on the phone to berate me about privacy issues.
She has no empathy for tough times I’ve gone through. She is embarassed and shamed when any of her children show signs of weakness or struggle. She just wants everything to be fixed quickly and “wrapped up in a bow” as my sister says.
Anyway – thanks for making me feel like there are others out there who have dealt with narcissistic moms. I really see through your post and others’ comments how it is a kind of child abuse. Also, as a fellow blogger using writing as a self-reflection and guide to wellness, I appreciate and encourage your honesty and for sharing your stories with the public. I’ll keep following – thanks again!
Thank you very muich and I’m so glad you found my blog too!
Yes, there are lots of us out there trying to figure out what is wrong with us only to find out we have been affected by one of these “people”. Your description is also dead-on. Ugh. I hope you are able to feel better about things soon!
I’ll be over to check out your blog (if I haven’t already, it sounds familiar) shortly.
Interesting and insightful look at the Narcissistic mother. While as parent raising children is never easy or as simply as some people may think. Children take both time and effort and require more at times then any “good enough parent” has so that one can only wonder when someone has a handicap such as a personality disorders when they go about the daily parental routine. While those who indeed deal with or don’t deal with their own disorder they do give to their children the burden of a dysfunctional family environment. The child of course has only two options, 1) be more like the “good enough parent” and then behaves like them and in part of whole becomes like the parent as a defense for their own survivor or 2) Find their own way to understand and coupe with that parent or parents and then find ways to heal themselves. Still thanks so much for writing the thread insomuch that education on this topic allow others such as the child too understand more why Dad or Mom was the way they are or were.
James´s last blog ..Welcome
Thanks for your comment. In my case, my narcissistic mother was the closest thing I had to a “good enough parent”. My narcissistic father was verbally, physically, emotionally and covertly sexually abusive. She was “only” neglectful and emotionally abusive. Good times.
Having said that, when I wrote this post I was in therapy, smack in the middle of beginning to deal with the realization that both my parents were narcissists and co-abusers and I was extremely angry. I’m sure that’s apparent from the tone of my post. No, being a parent isn’t easy under the best of circumstances and we all do the best we can. I know my parents did the best they could but I do still have to deal with the baggage of growing up in that toxic environment.
There is a 3rd option for children who grow up in abusive households: become a narcissist/abuser yourself. Unfortuantely, that happens more often than not, as my mother did.
Cindy,
Sorry to hear that both parents shared a dysfunctional cognitive behavior (NPD). As for my story my mother was a malignant NPD with ASPD. Yes, she did spent time in jail for robbing a bank. While my father was an alcoholic but was a good enough parent in my eyes anyway. What saved me Cyndi was being a ward of the state of Illinois at a very tender age. I can say my father just couldn’t pay for the cost of us (four in all) in Lydia’s Children Home so the state pick up the tab with the agreement that we all become wards of the state. Two factors were in my favor one) I spend no time with my biological mother and very little time with my biological father and two) Children who are wards of this state are monitory to attend therapy sessions. In short my personal therapy stated around the age of five. Both factors allow me to escape a dysfunctional toxic environment and nurture. Still I see my own experience as a factor why I too got involved with someone like my ex and then stay in this dysfunctional for 17 years. While we did have children together and I just couldn’t leave my children in her sole company fearing the worst. Like some writer’s state those who suffer from PD’s do get worst as they age and in the end my “waiting” and “patience” won and she end up destroying her own relationship with our sons. I now have full custody of them and she is no longer a part of our life’s. Something none of us wanted but NC (no contact) sometimes is the only way to end what we soon understand is a toxic dysfunctional emotional and psychological roller coaster ride they simply have no desirer to end so we must end it which is also some kind of closure we will ever get.
You are right insomuch that those who suffer from Personality Disorder must pass on this too there own children and/or those they care for. It’s this cycle that we all need to break through education and empathy for all victims.
James´s last blog ..Welcome
Wow, you have been through a lot. Good to hear things are looking up for you and your kids. I’m surprised that the IL DCFS was helpful. The horror stories are legendary.
Cyndi,
Not to mislead you or anyone but yes there are plenty of “horror stories” concerning DCFS and what happen to all four of these children. But I for one try hard to look at the positive aspects of my life and then learn from the negative parts as part of my personal life growth. I guess like most “government” run institutions” DCFS is in need to be vamped and reviewed. Something I hope the government will do in the near future.
James´s last blog ..Welcome
Awesome article! Sooooo well written!:)
I KNOW what you’re talking about, Cyndi. So sorry you had a mother from hell and that I know how it feels. Hope you’ll heal, it’s a life-long process.
Those who don’t like this article must be Narcissistic themselves. Yes, they’ll call the truth “bitter” cause we are just “too sensitive”;)
ALL the best to you,
warmest regards,
Fellow N daughter, Harlow
LOL – I SO almost put a picture of her on this post!
Thanks Dawn! It’s always my last line, can’t stop now.
Ya think?
LOL – Hardly. But, I am glad tax season is over!
Ugh. I’m sorry to hear you are forced to take care of her, and can’t put at least some emotional distance between you two. That would help you. You are in the worst possible situation and I feel your pain. Obligated to take care of a sick old woman but resentful and angry about her manipulative, insidiously “evil” comments and behaviors. Did that myself for 7 years with my father. The guilt is immense. Take care of yourself too, whenever you can. I’ll be thinking about you. Stop by anytime or feel free to e-mail me at somuchmorethanamom@comcast.net
I too care for an 86 year old Nmother. I know I am not forced to do so but it feels like I am. Everything I do for her is never good enough.
She has controlled my life since the day I was born. I was never socialised as a child, she couldn’t be bothered to take me anywhere using the pretence that “I can’t drive” or “I don’t know the way” [to the nearest town 5 miles away]. The fact was, as I said, she couldn’t be bothered and hated the idea of me not being there for her amusement. She never bought me any clothes, I wore second hand from friends and I ate the same thing every evening, mashed potatoes, peas (or cabbage) and tinned meat. I had asthma for years but was never diagnosed as she never took me to the doctor for check ups. I was never told to brush my teeth nor taken to a dentist either which resulted in my dental phobia. When she was in one of her hysterical moods (usually because someone has tried to disagree with her) she would swear and shout for two or three days, she would be too furious to eat or sleep. I lived in fear my whole childhood and developed panic attacks, social anxiety and avoidance personality disorder and have been on anti depressants for 5 years.
She recently became housebound and, because of years of being raised to be the dutiful daughter, I feel forced to look after her. I refuse to live in the same part of the house as her but I am still at her beck and call. The rear of the building where my husband and and I live is damp and squalid but as long as she is happy that is all she cares about. She owns her home home but refuses to make a will and give the house to me when she dies. I have dedicated my whole life to her at the expense of my own but she refuses to give me anything in return. I feel nothing for her now except hate and resentment and it’s very difficult looking after someone whom you despise, you can’t show it, you have to keep your feelings hidden and then fall apart in private.
I wish I could just leave and never have to see her again but I know she would be out into a nursing home and the nurses/carers would not put up with her behaviour and I would feel like I have failed the dutiful daughter part. I will never truly be myself until she passes away.
Wow, Cyndi, thank you! Your heartfelt reply brought tears to my eyes … only someone who understands could have written that response and it gave me strength!
Wow, I have to agree, your parents sound like the worst possible case scenario. I completely get the rage. I never considered actually committing violence, with the exception of the one time I fought back, but used to dream and fantasize about escaping. I also used to calculate my father’s approximate death based on the average life span of males and subtracting the 20 years that diabetes is reported to take off of your life. So…for example I would use 74 as the average life span, subtract the 20 years for his diabetes and arrive at 54, which would make me 21. That isn’t as bad as yours but still FAR from normal for a child. Of course he ended up living well past my calculations to age 62. This all sounds horrible to anyone not familiar with these types of parents but unfortantely for us, it is perfectly normal. I’m sorry about your siblings. What a huge waste of what could have potentially been perfectly good-enough lives.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry, this current situation sounds like an absolute nightmare. It sounds as if you must be in therapy since you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and are on anti-depressants. Have you talked about this situation with your therapist? It seems unhealthy (to say the least) for your to be living in a damp corner of her house. You are continuing to allow her to control your life. Take your power back and do what’s best for you and your family!
So what if she goes into a nursing home? That’s what they’re there for. Believe me, they put up with all sorts or crazy behavior. My N father was in one for several years. They’re used to it and don’t take it personally like we do, since the patients aren’t their parents.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck and hope you can break free of your past. *Hugs*
Thanks for your kind comments Cyndi. My counsellor/therapist also think I should just up and leave but it’s difficult as my mother has the mentality of a spoilt 10 year old. I’ve been the ‘mother’ figure since I was 9, I’ve always put her first and old habits die hard …. especially when they are learnt in childhood. She has heart failure and won’t be around much longer anyway so, and I know it’s a terrible thing to say but I look forward to that day. Thanks again Cyndi … it felt good getting it all off my chest.