Narcissistic Mothers
“I do not love; I do not love anybody except myself. That is a rather shocking thing to admit. I have none of the selfless love of my mother. I have none of the plodding, practical love. . . . . I am, to be blunt and concise, in love only with myself, my puny being with its small inadequate breasts and meager, thin talents. I am capable of affection for those who reflect my own world.” – Sylvia Plath
There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers. Ms. Plath herself indulged in the ultimate narcissistic act when she committed suicide by sticking her head in the oven while her two young children were asleep in the same apartment. How thoughtful of her to have sealed off their rooms with towels so that the fumes wouldn’t consume them too. She needed someone to live on to remember her and care that she was gone.
Narcisstic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only. More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.
They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s”. They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom…watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.
Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so over-sensitive.” and “You’re overreacting.” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.
These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to shop for clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for daycare, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.
They will smother and over-protect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep them under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and over-protected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.
They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to the children as early as possible. They will insist that they pay for their own personal items and clothing as early as possible. Older children will become responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilites her children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation.
Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently towards their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrong-doing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely re-writing history.
Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one , they will talk to another about it.
They are jealous of their childrens’ successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out”). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”, it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.
These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself. She raised you to blame yourself for everything. It is, however, necessary to do so in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.
Also published at Psych Central
Interesting related link regarding Suicide and Sylvia Plath: Ecstatic Suicide
Some online resources:
Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers
Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Playing It by Heart: Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What
Choices : Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Codependence and the Power of Detachment
Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
Boundaries – Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
Breaking Free of Addictive Family Relationships (Healing Your Own Inner Child)
Thanks for stopping by!
The only thing that comes to mind….
“NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!”
Wow. Nicely written and perfectly nauseating. I loved the last line: “Thanks for stopping by!”
….mmmmmm….sounds familiar!
Wow Cyndi. You are so much better than Dr. Phil. I’m so glad I can get back to reading your posts every day!
Hi Cyndi,
Excellent article, thanks for that. It puts the horror of being the child of a narcissist so well. I had one of those lovely mothers myself. The fun!
All best, Danu
This article fits my mother to a T. And it enrages me that she can be this way.
Wow, thanks for that information! My N Mom is 86 and still working diligently to destroy her children’s and grandchildren’s lives. I moved back to Ohio to take care of her 5 years ago, I thot I could handle it and I can’t. I’m once again taking an online refresher on Ns to help ease the guilt and pain I feel inside for having been born.
Well, i wouldn’t even bother to look after my mother in her old age. After having dreams for years of attacking her violently and stabbing her to death (no offence, but that is how bad it got), i’ve completely disengaged from her.
Shame about the rest of my family though. My other siblings have such intense phobias, they are on disability pensions and cannot work. One of them cannot get on a plane, into the lift, stand on a bridge, or go under water. The other cannot even leave the house – faints if she is away from the door 50 meters or so.
I, on the other hand, never felt fear, only immense hate and rage towards her. At the age of five i new innately something was wrong with my mother – after all, what kind of mother shuts herself off in the bedroom for days on end, weeps and tells everyone how horrible they are to her, and how she will kill herself? (not that she ever would, but i surely wished she did).
Watching my brothers go into panic attacks when she flew into rages (when she couldn’t get her way) was something else; if i had a big baseball bat i would have bashed her senseless, just so she could stop inflicting pain on the rest of the family. But i didn’t, because i know if i did, i would have been locked up forever. I used to have to throw my siblings into showers and let cold water run over them, because they were not able to come out of their shock state. Imagine watching those scenes, and then when dad came home, i was the one who was blamed for starting all the arguments. Trust me, it is completely natural to hate someone like that and fantasise about killing them.
Today if i spend more than 5 minutes with a person who talks about themselves only, i just want to vomit. i cannot tollerate any form of self-involvement, narcissism, selfishness, hysteria or manipulation. All i know is if i don’t get away, i may well snap their neck – because i cannot listen to it anymore.
Best of luck to all of you out there who are dealing with those kinds of parents – i think mine top the cake.
I cannot believe how many of us there are out here. When I decided to have no contact with my NM 4 months ago I did not realise how many people just like me were struggling with the same problem. I just wish I knew when the pain would go away. I am much better so I guess that is a good sign that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Glad I found this sight. Thank you!!!
Ronda,
I know how you feel, I chose to go No Contact with my N Mother 8 months ago. It was very hard at first
but as time went on it did get easier. Hang in there and if you ever decide to back into contact with
her Mom just make sure you set boundaries to her.
It was easy to go No Conact with mine I have the ignoring N Mother if I don’t supply her and let her lie
and treat me like I’m nothing and verbal abuse me and talk horrible about my family and think she
is perfect and keep quiet then we can have a relationship. Which is no relationship at all.
I felt guilty at first but it does get easier. Believe me the stress and the happiness you will feel
will help you to continue on. I know they are our mothers but how much are we supposed to take
from them. Take care and I wanted you to know I know how you feel and just hang in there
time does make a difference. I feel happier and freer than I have felt in my whole life.
You deserve happiness, respect, and love.
You deserve to live a happy life.
Hi Sharon,
Good for you and very well said. We all deserve to feel happy and free and deserve respect and love too. Thanks so much for your comment.
It really helps to know that other people have did the “no contact” and have gotten through it and are happy. I think my grieving period is taken longer because I am still involved with my sister who is much like my mother but more vindictive. She is constantly posting pics of my mother on facebook, family functions I am not invited to and then suddenly out of the blue I get the silent treatmentfrom her for a few days. Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me because I had just seen the latest on Fb. I am wired so differently then them. More emotional for sure….and they know it. I have decided after yesterdays postings that maybe I need to stop talking to my sister too. I’m not going to look on FB anymore either. It just tortures me and 4 months of it is enough.
thank you again!
Thanks so much for your response to me. I think I am going to need you all to get through this. It would be nice to meet some new friends.
Hi Ronda,
That is tough. Unfortunately when there are others still in collusion with the N parent, this is the result. I don’t blame you, looking at all the “fun” (you know if you had actually been in attendance you would have felt even worse than you do now) they are having sounds like torture to me. You are very brave to take control of your own happiness and they cannot take that away from you!
Ronda
I’m so sorry your sister does that to you. I have a grandmother my mother’s
mother who treats me poorly also. My mother must make sure that everyone
she knows and family that I’m a terrible daughter and person. I knew she
was going to do this because it is all I have ever listened to when people leave
her life. No one stays in her life she is just a mean vivdintice person it is
like they must tell their stories first so they can say how terrible we are.
Like my grandmother and your sister they should know what kind of
people we are and not turn against us. I don’t have to go around to anyone
talking badly about my Mom to make me feel good or to make me look
better. But they do!
Like you we just want a peaceful life. Hang in there! It will get better.
The first few months are the hardest but as your life takes hold you will
start to feel better and life will open up to you and happiness begins to
fill up your heart. Sad to say this but it is so true. To get away from
all the negativity is so freeing. No longer will you feel like a guiled
bird who is afraid to fly! Take one day at a time and you are going
to feel guilty and sad but as time goes on it will wane and you will
see how different you feel. They try and hurt us still but in time
they can’t hurt us any more.
I won’t say it doesn’t hurt it does, but love doesn’t hurt and cause others
pain. Not real love, not the kind that a real mother has for her child.
Others are here and you will get through. Like you this post has been
a blessing. We don’t have to live out our lives being treated so badly
by the one person who supposed to love us and care about us.
I wish you the very best! Please put your life and happiness first.
I’m afraid our mothers will never be happy no matter what we do
for them. You don’t need a sister who tries to hurt you.
I will never understand them, but I can make sure and do deserve
a life of happiness just like you do.
Take care! This is a great place to put your feelings and so glad
Cyndi has this post and she understand how we all feel.
I’m just so sorry any of us have to go through this!!
Thank you Ronda, and I’m so glad you found this post and commented too. It’s tough going NC. I haven’t done it. I’ve gone “LC” – limited contact. Most of the time this is ok as I’ve learned to set boundaries and her nonsense doesn’t get to me for the most part. Having said that, there are still times when I get all tied up in knots over crap she pulls. Recently she took my sons school supply shopping. My 9 year old wanted to purchase 3 items at the dollar store. She said no, even though I was reimbursing her AND it was $3 for god’s sake. He offered to pay her back with his allowance money and….yes, she took his $3!!!! It was over a week ago and I’m still livid. I finally decided I don’t need to get into all the arguments with her over why this is VERY wrong but just need to tell her to never take money from my kids again. Period.
Just when I got up the nerve to have that conversation, her step-father died, in another state. This is a man who I barely know and was by all accounts a complete bastard, although never to me. She fully expects me to go to the funeral despite the facts that she had said if her mother passed away before her step-father (which didn’t happen) she would have nothing more to do with him if her mother was gone AND she has made it very clear to me that HER family is her family and only related to me because I am her daughter AND her step-father refused to come to the state I live in ever again once my abusive father died over 10 years ago. He showed no interest in me or my family and I really don’t want to take the time to go to be completely honest. But I have all her “shoulds” running through my head and still haven’t made up my mind.
There are much worse stories of course but even after years of boundaries and a limited relationship, I still let her get to me under certain circumstances. I admire you for going NC and imagine that it’s best in the long run.
Oh Cyndi, could our mothers be one in the same?? lol They all have the same personality. Thank you for your kind words. This site is giving me the strength I need to get through this. I wish I had known about this site 4 months ago when this journey began. I know I have made the right decision. When I first went NC I felt like an 18 year old that just got her first apartment. It was such a relief not to have to call her twice a day and check in hoping she wasn’t mad at me or someone else. Such a relief not to have to join in on the gossiping just to make her happy. I was able to visit my daughter who lives 10 minutes from mom without being in trouble for not stopping there too. The “poor pity me ” moods were the worst. So much more I could add but it brings back bad memories. It is a strange feeling to know I will never again see my mother but it has made me freer then I ever have been. I know its still going to be bumpy for awhile. It’s funny, I keep having a reacurring dream that I am forced to have her back in my life again. I cannot tell you the relief I feel when I wake up!! thank you all, I’m hoping to have a good day! I hope you all do to!
Ronda
Excellent post Cyndi. As the daughter of a narcissistic mother I can totally relate to what you’ve written here – you express it so well. Thanks! Danu
Forgive me, but I am wondering what purpose it serves to promote bitterness and anger towards ones mother, for mistakes that she might have made. None of us are perfect. We all fall short. While I agree that the genuine abuse of children needs to be dealt with, there should also be forgiveness, and a realization, that many mothers were only doing the best they knew how (probably because they were raised in the same environment. My mom made mistakes too, but she was my mother, and I choose to let those things go. I forgive, because Christ forgave me. I am a mother, and I make mistakes too, and so does every mother! Maybe you perceive your mistakes as not being as great as another mothers, but what do your children think? Do you want them to hold your mistakes over your head? Please consider this, and the effect that your words can have on the ability that one might have in showing forgiveness and being able to move on from a mother that may have made mistakes. Let’s choose to honor our mothers and fathers. We may feel like they don’t deserve it, but then will we really deserve it either when our children are grown. Just my thoughts, that I am intending to deliver in as respectful a manner as possible! Thanks and God Bless
I forgive you, but I’m not certain where you got the idea that I was promoting bitterness or anger towards anyone’s mother for mistakes she might have made. This post describes what it feels like to grow up as a child with an abusive narcissistic mother.
I don’t see how an entire childhood filled with abuse can possibly be chalked up to, “we all make mistakes”. There is a colossal difference between abuse and the normal everyday mistakes that we all make. Abusers don’t necessarily deserve to be forgiven, particularly when they never show any remorse or acknowledge and even blatantly deny that it ever took place. I don’t believe that all mothers and fathers (or people in general for that matter) deserve to be honored just because society or organized religion say we “should”.
I have taken into consideration what my mother’s upbringing was like. It was very similar to my own. I do empathize with her. One of the many differences between me and a narcissist is that ability to empathize. They just don’t have it in them. Everything is all about them. Another thing that it’s virtually impossible for a narcissist to do is to realize that she is abusing her children. Ever. She sees them as objects, as extensions of herself, not as unique individuals to be loved and valued for who they are, only to be praised for what they do for her. It’s my contention that one’s childhood is not our fault but our behavior as adults is 100% our responsibility. It’s a mother’s responsiblity to not abuse her children, regardless of her own upbringing. Period.
I’m happy that you have been able to forgive your mother for her mistakes because Christ forgave you. I too am working towards exorcising my demons, letting go and moving on. I’m just taking a much different path than you. The point of this, and most of my other blog posts, is to get it “out there”. It helps me to write about my experiences. After a lifetime of keeping all sorts of dirty secrets about what went on in my childhood home, it is therapeutic for me and assists me in sorting it out and moving on. Sometimes even to forgive. It’s also helpful for others who read this and identify with it. They know they aren’t alone. They also know they aren’t crazy. Being abused as a child and then having that abuse kept secret and even denied, makes you feel crazy. Connecting with others who have experienced the same can help to not feel crazy and actually helps to get over it. Did you read only this post? I know you don’t follow my blog normally but if you did you would know that I am on a path to enlightenment, making sense of my past and present, and letting it go.
As far as my children are concered, of course I have made and will continue to make mistakes. I hope they don’t hold them over my head, but if they do, we will deal with that together. They are not abused and I’m not a narcissist.
the first thought that came to my mind when i was reading through was”What mother could be like that?” but after reading the comment I feel ashamed of being so naive. I do know some mothers who may have some of these traits but hard to know if they are truly narcissist. As you said they act differently in public.
Thank you for this information as it helps identifying such children and helping them in anyway possible.
Hi Cyndi, your article really hit home. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did but your writing about it really made me feel good to know there is someone else out there that also had a narcissistic parent and understands the damage done to the lives of people around them.
My mother died over 21 years ago and three months after she died, I realized my life had improved because she was no longer around. About 13 years ago, I did some therapy for the affects her alcoholism had on me and my life improved even more so I thought I had addressed my issues with her.
Then I read your article. OMG! I never thought of her as being a narcissist but your article nailed it. So I started researching narcissism and it has already made a bigger improvement in my life than her death and my previous therapy in just a couple of weeks. Your article and my research made me realize I have been miserable my whole life and I just accepted it. I am changing that now that I see all the extremely negative affects my mother’s actions had on me my whole life, even after she died. (Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W. Brown has been a great study guide.)
Your statement ‘These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships’ was exactly what happened to me and I didn’t know it. Thanks to your article I see that now and can do something so I can look forward to a happy future by stopping the pain, fear, and loneliness that has plagued me for years.
Thanks for writing! It’s made huge difference in my life!
Oh Kim, you don’t know how much this means to me or how similar my path to this awareness was. I thought I was past all of it and didn’t realize how unhealthy my own relationships and self-image were until it suddenly hit me like a brick out of nowhere and I didn’t understand why. I finally got into therapy too because I honestly had no clue what my problem was. We are so not alone, and it’s great to find that out. Thank you so much! I may have read that book (I’ve read SO many) but if not, it’s now on my to-read list.
Wow, I had a light bulb moment. My mother has many of the characteristics you described. I grew up with a very critical, over bearing mother, who tried to control everything I did, and actually still does. My mother has never acknowledged my pain, any time I have tried to talk to her she completely makes me feel like I am crazy. I have never heard her say I’m sorry, for anything. I have spent so may years trying to unravel the damage done, at times it is overwhelming. She wants to be the #1 priority in my life, and has a very difficult time understanding that she is not. I also grew up wondering why?? Why I did not feel loved?? I have learned that keeping her at a distance is the only way that I can have a somewhat “Normal” relationship. I could go on and on but I won’t. Thank you for opening up your heart to all of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone.
Wow, I had no idea. Thank YOU for your comments. I have finally learned exactly what you have. Distance is key. At one point just about everything she said made my skin crawl. I can see her differently now and our relationship is better for it.
My mom denies everything too, re-writes history and blames me. She actually insinuated to my sister that I flat out made something up when she asked her about it. I finally realized it is pointless to try to talk to her about my childhood at all. The only thing that still kills me is when she judges (this, of course, happens often) other women for not leaving their husbands for one reason or another when she stayed with my abusive (he didn’t abuse her) father until the day he died. I try to just change the subject when this happens but I really want to scream.
And feel free to go on and on anytime you want. I love comments!
A friend of mind recommended this blog when we started talking about my realization that my mother is a narcissist (I’ve always known something was off, but the fact that my mother does undeniably love me even though she’s a lunatic has always made it hard to look at her issues objectively). Reading this…I could just burst into tears at any moment. Thank you soooooooo much for sharing. I too WANT to be a mother one day because of the amazing experience that will be and because I want to have a hand in creating a self-aware and loving creature but I am going to wait until I am financially and emotionally ready and able to put them first because THAT’S the kind of mother I want to be: the kind I never had. Love is amazing but it’s not always enough…
Thank you for coming her and for your comments (and thanks to your friend too)! It is a difficult realization and it’s a painful road to get there, isn’t it? Luckily, at least I have found, that once dealt with, it’s actually liberating because I learned….IT WASN’T MY FAULT! You might find something in the post as well: http://somuchmorethanamom.com/2009/04/22/facing-the-cold-hard-facts/. I’m sure you will be a great mother because you have taken on the task of figuring out what NOT to do.
I am so glad I found your blog…..this post really resonates me as I’ve been in therapy to come to terms with my depression, only to learn that it is my childhood and upbringing by a narcissistic mother who is the main cause. My mother has never let me speak my mind or say No to her. I was always the one doing everything as I was told. She was never that interested in me as a kid, never played with me or helped me with homework, never talked to me about personal things or life lessons. She just drove me to soccer practice and kept turning the radio down when I wanted to listen to it. She constantly criticized my friends, and still does. If I ever showed any signs of emotion or concern, she would accuse me of being “on drugs” (her way of saying “you’re crazy”).
As an adult she made some decisions about her life that made it completely clear that her 4 grown children (and their children) were not priorities in her life. She now doesn’t understand why I am hurt. She is now very critical of my blog where I merely mentioned her once, and she put her 2nd husband on the phone to berate me about privacy issues.
She has no empathy for tough times I’ve gone through. She is embarassed and shamed when any of her children show signs of weakness or struggle. She just wants everything to be fixed quickly and “wrapped up in a bow” as my sister says.
Anyway – thanks for making me feel like there are others out there who have dealt with narcissistic moms. I really see through your post and others’ comments how it is a kind of child abuse. Also, as a fellow blogger using writing as a self-reflection and guide to wellness, I appreciate and encourage your honesty and for sharing your stories with the public. I’ll keep following – thanks again!
Thank you very muich and I’m so glad you found my blog too!
Yes, there are lots of us out there trying to figure out what is wrong with us only to find out we have been affected by one of these “people”. Your description is also dead-on. Ugh. I hope you are able to feel better about things soon!
I’ll be over to check out your blog (if I haven’t already, it sounds familiar) shortly.
Interesting and insightful look at the Narcissistic mother. While as parent raising children is never easy or as simply as some people may think. Children take both time and effort and require more at times then any “good enough parent” has so that one can only wonder when someone has a handicap such as a personality disorders when they go about the daily parental routine. While those who indeed deal with or don’t deal with their own disorder they do give to their children the burden of a dysfunctional family environment. The child of course has only two options, 1) be more like the “good enough parent” and then behaves like them and in part of whole becomes like the parent as a defense for their own survivor or 2) Find their own way to understand and coupe with that parent or parents and then find ways to heal themselves. Still thanks so much for writing the thread insomuch that education on this topic allow others such as the child too understand more why Dad or Mom was the way they are or were.
James´s last blog ..Welcome
Thanks for your comment. In my case, my narcissistic mother was the closest thing I had to a “good enough parent”. My narcissistic father was verbally, physically, emotionally and covertly sexually abusive. She was “only” neglectful and emotionally abusive. Good times.
Having said that, when I wrote this post I was in therapy, smack in the middle of beginning to deal with the realization that both my parents were narcissists and co-abusers and I was extremely angry. I’m sure that’s apparent from the tone of my post. No, being a parent isn’t easy under the best of circumstances and we all do the best we can. I know my parents did the best they could but I do still have to deal with the baggage of growing up in that toxic environment.
There is a 3rd option for children who grow up in abusive households: become a narcissist/abuser yourself. Unfortuantely, that happens more often than not, as my mother did.
Cindy,
Sorry to hear that both parents shared a dysfunctional cognitive behavior (NPD). As for my story my mother was a malignant NPD with ASPD. Yes, she did spent time in jail for robbing a bank. While my father was an alcoholic but was a good enough parent in my eyes anyway. What saved me Cyndi was being a ward of the state of Illinois at a very tender age. I can say my father just couldn’t pay for the cost of us (four in all) in Lydia’s Children Home so the state pick up the tab with the agreement that we all become wards of the state. Two factors were in my favor one) I spend no time with my biological mother and very little time with my biological father and two) Children who are wards of this state are monitory to attend therapy sessions. In short my personal therapy stated around the age of five. Both factors allow me to escape a dysfunctional toxic environment and nurture. Still I see my own experience as a factor why I too got involved with someone like my ex and then stay in this dysfunctional for 17 years. While we did have children together and I just couldn’t leave my children in her sole company fearing the worst. Like some writer’s state those who suffer from PD’s do get worst as they age and in the end my “waiting” and “patience” won and she end up destroying her own relationship with our sons. I now have full custody of them and she is no longer a part of our life’s. Something none of us wanted but NC (no contact) sometimes is the only way to end what we soon understand is a toxic dysfunctional emotional and psychological roller coaster ride they simply have no desirer to end so we must end it which is also some kind of closure we will ever get.
You are right insomuch that those who suffer from Personality Disorder must pass on this too there own children and/or those they care for. It’s this cycle that we all need to break through education and empathy for all victims.
James´s last blog ..Welcome
Wow, you have been through a lot. Good to hear things are looking up for you and your kids. I’m surprised that the IL DCFS was helpful. The horror stories are legendary.
Cyndi,
Not to mislead you or anyone but yes there are plenty of “horror stories” concerning DCFS and what happen to all four of these children. But I for one try hard to look at the positive aspects of my life and then learn from the negative parts as part of my personal life growth. I guess like most “government” run institutions” DCFS is in need to be vamped and reviewed. Something I hope the government will do in the near future.
James´s last blog ..Welcome
Awesome article! Sooooo well written!:)
I KNOW what you’re talking about, Cyndi. So sorry you had a mother from hell and that I know how it feels. Hope you’ll heal, it’s a life-long process.
Those who don’t like this article must be Narcissistic themselves. Yes, they’ll call the truth “bitter” cause we are just “too sensitive”;)
ALL the best to you,
warmest regards,
Fellow N daughter, Harlow
OMG this fit my my mother-in law to an F***ing T
I have one of these mothers. I have had no contact for two weeks. I hope I can continue
because she was taking my life away. Everything was about her and if I ever disagreed
with her the rage was horrible. The only thing I was glad about was she never liked
children so my children were safe from her. I do not allow her to contact them and
they do not know her. She was never a grandmother to them, Lord knows I tried at
first when they were little. But she never cared for them. My life has been horrible
with her, her nastiness and hateful ways just became to much for me to take anymore.
I’m 54 and she is 74, am I supposed to give her the second half of my life, I now realize
that she never wanted me nor did she ever love me. Everything was about her, men and work that is all she ever cared about. I ask myself so many times why did she bother to have me.
I can’t ever remember her ever caring about me. When my life was not good she was always
there, when my life was great she always complained and made me feel like I didn’t deserve happiness. She can’t stand it that I have a wonderful husband and loving children.
I’m so sorry for anyone who has a mother with this sickness. I can’t take it anymore.
I don’t care if I ever talk to her again. I know I will be a happier person without her in my life. I was always taught to honor my parents, but how can I honor her when she is
so hateful and mean to me. It is horrible to have to agree with her and not say anything back to her because of her rage against me.
Thank you for letting me share.
I’m so sorry Sharon. You are right, you are better off without her in your life. Why waste one more second of it? The whole “honor your parents” nonsense only serves to make us more ashamed of ourselves. Toxic is toxic, parent or not. I’m happy you have made your own healthy family with your husband and kids. Good call keeping them away from her!
Dear Cyndi,
It has only been a week that I have realized my mother has NPD, though I’ve known that there was something terribly wrong my whole life. You have written my life story and the validation is liberating. When I was a little girl, I used to have nightmares about my mother and the fact that she was very cold to me at times. I would wake up frightened and ask to sleep in her bed because I had a bad dream.(not telling her what it was) She would say “yes” and she would go back to sleep. I would lay there in fear with very mixed feelings. This inner pain and confusion still exists and I am 50 years old.I love my mother and hate her at the same time. (actually now maybe I feel nothing)
I have had a lot of insecurity and depressive feelings in my life, but I think I will be OK now because I know the TRUTH of how an NPD operates.
I can deal with the fact that my mother never loved me, though she said the words many times. It’s really all the lies, manipulation and the rewriting of history, the disrespect, infantile refusal to take no for an answer and accusing me of being selfish and crazy not to put up with this treatment willingly. What hurts most is that she really never honestly wanted to see me do well after pretending to. My mother always told me that we are very much alike in ways. I DON’T THINK SO!
Thank you so much for your comment. It is sad to realize that our own mothers do not love anyone but themselves. On the other hand, it is truly liberating. We can finally stop feeling confused, separate the truth from the fiction and realize that it was them, not us, all along.
Cyndi
I just read your article in Psych Central. I thought you may have been someone who knew my mother (not kidding). Then I thought you may have been a past therapist until I tracked down this blog.
You have the language of narcissism down. My mother referred to us as “spiteful, ungrateful wretches.” At around 9 years old my brothers and I would look at each other and ask “What’s a wretch?”
I wanted to rush out and connect first. Thanks.
It’s so weird how they all think they are so unique and special but when we all tell our stories they sound identical. I would have been as confused as you by “spiteful” and “wretch”. Thank you for commenting.
Cyndi,
Your posts REALLY struck home to/with me. What you’ve gone through is identical to what I have endured and I have struggled my entire life wondering what was wrong with my mom. NOTHING ever pleased her and I was a veritable slave around the house, while my brother got away with doing NOTHING except occasionally mowing the lawn. Every minute of every day I had to “help” my mother, and NOTHING was ever satisfactory. I was never pretty enough, always too overweight, always seemed to embarrass her, but nothing compared to how she embarrassed me on top of her horrifying rages and chronic violence. You owe NOBODY any explanation/s for posting the horrors you’ve withstood and as far as I am concerned, you don’t owe your mother forgiveness. I do not forgive mine for terrorizing me for all those years and causing me to feel like a complete wreck at all times. What is the most disturbing to me is how positively NOBODY ever asked me WHY I was crying 24 hours per day, why I always had black eyes, bruised arms, fat lips, and just my overall wounded-like-an-animal demeanor. THANK YOU for being brave enough to post what you’ve endured. My favorite line was when you wrote (to paraphrase) that narcissistic mothers don’t like buying their children clothing, don’t like……I LOVED IT. EVERYTHING you wrote resonated with what I have endured and I always was hit and smashed against the walls and/or the floor if I tried to verbally defend myself, she always pulled my hair and always something painfully physically like crushing my hands and jawline and smashing me across the chest. She is flat as a board, so I’ve always suspected she kept walloping me across my chest because she was jealous of my large boobs. I never will get over such a sadistically awful upbringing.
Thank YOU for your comments. It helps me too…hearing I am not alone or “wrong”. What you endured….unbelievable. My experiences were similar except that the physical abuse was delivered by my narcissistic father. My mother was never violent but failed to protect me from him plus everything I wrote about here. You’re so right, I don’t owe her forgiveness but I at least owe it to myself to rid myself of the shame and the idea that it was my fault….as do we all. I wonder why your brother got away with doing nothing…maybe because he was a boy? It’s strange how parents treat girls and boys so differently, especially abusive parents.
My dad was Narcissistic, too, and more violent than my mother, if you can believe that. If I got a bad grade in school, he had the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger and would pick me up by both ankles and smash me onto my parents’ bed, over and over, on my head, while screaming at me at the top of my lungs while I screamed in terror and Mom JUST STOOD THERE. I am so sorry you’ve endured such stuff and reading some people’s replies that you should forgive your parents for “mistakes” is unconscionable, to me. How much can you forgive deliberately cruel, inflicted actions which rendered ourselves senseless, suicidal (in my case), shamed, humiliated and the sense we were so loathed? I hope each day gives you a tiny bit more relief if not clarity; it took until about a year-and-a-half ago before a friend diagnosed my mother and I have read seemingly every book and online article and the way she makes me crazy by her re-writing of history can render a Saint crazy. I am here if you need me. THANK YOU and all of your blogs are very good; so sorry to hear your friend passed away and her ex-husband took their two daughters out of the only secure environment they’d ever know. I TRULY do not think anybody cares about children and what would be good for their ongoing survival. Positively NOBODY ever asked me why I was chronically at the doctor’s office (Munchausen By Proxy, for sure, my mother had; she positively NEVER brought my brother to the doctor * she was obsessed and fixated upon me), or why I looked so slovenly (almost NEVER any new clothes; ONLY hand-me-downs and used garbage from consignment stores), why I cried positively around the clock, why I was bruised. The police did nothing, too. My teachers did nothing. The neighbors, whose house I ran away to, cheerfully handed me back to my mom each time. Everybody made me out to be the bad child when I was terrified to speak! Abusive parents are clever enough to have their alibis all lined up in a row.
Thank you very much!
JUST STOOD THERE = mine too. I asked why and she said I deserved it so I never asked again.
I can’t believe you were so obviously bruised, depressed, went to others for help and NO ONE helped! It makes me sick. Mine was all very well hidden. Munchausen By Proxy on top of it….holy shit. It’s amazing that you are even alive and remotely sane today.
The re-writing of history is one of the most frustrating things for me! I stopped discussing history with her for that reason. I can’t say I’ve forgiven her, and definitely not my father. Forgiveness is tough and I do admire people who attain it. I figure I will get there if I need to but not for them, for me. I have learned to get along with my mother on a superficial level with quite a bit of distance and she has also mellowed since my father died and she’s gotten older.
I’m curious, do you have any contact with either of your parents today or are they still alive?
My dad pulled an Elvis and supposedly died February 15th of 1988, but guess who drove his family to his own funeral? What a goof and I have found him online, so he is still alive; my parents divorced December 5th, 1978. I have an elephant’s memory which I truly can attribute to how many times they slammed my head against the walls and closet doors and God knows, their disgusting marital bed. My memory is hyper-acute and laughably supersonic; I can recall EVERYTHING from age one onward because of how many times they hit me. I once figured it was because I was always in fearful overdrive as to when their next onslaught would be, so I was always painfully on-edge as to their next attack. My parents were bad until they got divorced. Dad was verbally threatening only AFTER their divorce, losing all contact deliberately with me once he remarried during Autumn of 1983. I literally had nobody on either side of the family; my brother was The Golden Child; older by 2-1/2 years. He could do no wrong and was adored by everybody. I being quiet, artistic, musical, creative, but chronically ill with a lifelong heart condition and headaches solely caused by their hands, was disgustedly stared at, laughed at, ridiculed, beaten mercilessly, shouted at RELENTLESSLY until I thought I’d go deaf and actually repeatedly prayed I WOULD, so I no longer would have to hear their cruel taunts * what irked me a lot was how my brother was chronically doted upon and given bags of gifts and books; when I feebly attempted to select ONE book on botany for myself, Mom curelly ordered me to put it back; those were meant for my brother. NO AMOUNT of crying and asking why he was given everything and I was deliberately ignored got any comfort, let alone rational or ANY explanation/s. When he was born, the relatives heaped savings bonds upon him; when I was born, I did not receive a single one. He smugly and arrogantly lorded those savings bonds (thousands of dollars worth) over my head until he cashed them in to spend his Junior (college) year abroad; now if IIIIII had received those savings bonds, OR EVEN ONE, IIIII would have been ordered to cash it/them in and share the money with my brother. He was never told to share anything, received everything and that really hurts a kid who is so obviously hated. My “favorite” was knowing that he was planned for, but Mom was on The Pill, yet I came along. Years later, when I wanted to go on The Pill myself, probably consciously or unconsciously or whatever, Mom always forbade me or scoffed at me going on The Pill; I finally purchased them for myself many years later from online pharmacies in India and Thailand. Because of my heart condition, (mitral valve prolapse), I couldn’t get any doctor to prescribe them, but I have been happily on them since September of 2000 and other than irritability, I have had no ill side effects.
Mom suddenly stopped working July 3rd of 1993. I recall this date exactly, because it was precisely 15 days before I would begin dating a horribly Narcissistic fellow named Andy, who would string me along with phony promises of marriage, home, security until, six attempts later, I finally successfully broke up with him two years, three months and three days later. Mom was threatening my life and beating me and pulling my hair, daily, and stupidly, I paid her bills for some exact sixty (60) months having positively NO IDEA she wouldn’t work again. SHe claimed everybody’s fragrances at her job made her ill, but no doctors found for her. I find these mystery illnesses laughable, but was always on the receiving end of her furious, violent rages and nonstop screaming and was terrified she would kill me. I didn’t care if III died; what I worried was that her carefully contrived/concocted alibi would get her off the hook for murder. NO AMOUNT of telling her I was a secretary and couldn’t pay all her bills did any good; she kept beating me senseless every time I told her to pay her OWN bills. I took out seven credit cards to keep paying her cr** until she finally was awarded Social Security precisely 60 months later during July of 1998. I filed bankruptcy and even bought a house with everything in my name which she refused to live in and my credit was almost irreparably destroyed. My brother did nothing except allow her to stay in one of his houses for a while; I endured NONSTOP screaming, tyranny and relentless questioning and scrutiny; she smashed my head against the wall the day before my 30th birthday and I have no idea how I didn’t die considering how Natasha Richardson died with a mere bump after a skiing mishap. I haven’t lived with her since although she stayed with me intermittantly; never paying one dime; I rented five apartments in my name, always trying to please her and too many years later did I FINALLY start hearing about Borderline Personality and Narcissistic Personality disorders. I will not ever contact Mom; she contacts me, always trying to weasel her way over to a house I now finally own after more than 400 attempts to get a mortgage since the first house I foolishly bought, trying to get her to stop her nonsense. THANK YOU for being there for all of us. These people are shameless in their brutal actions and all we have tried to do is please them. When have they done anything to please us? Instead, they have done everything just shy of annihilating us. God bless you, Cyndi. I am here for you, too.
Oh. My. God. I can’t even express how awful this is. The only good news I guess is that dad pulled an Elvis (how freakin’ bizarre!) and that you finally cutoff your mom. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing and your kind words.
Well, Dad loved Elvis, so it is no surprise he pulled his own death stunt, although Elvis did so in order to be in The Witness Protection Program. He has some videos of a secret daughter posted on YouTube under his false name of John Cotner and she looks so much like Lisa Marie, it’s haunting.
I think we could forgive our parents if they had admitted they had a problem and actively sought treatment. Because we were always the ones who were wrong and punished, accordingly, then WE were supposedly wrong. Worse, when nobody believed us and most still do not, how can we convince anybody other than those, like you, who have withstood the same rigors?
Just love your blog and I GREATLY appreciate you posting such excruciating memories to prove we are not alone. Frankly, I knew of no other existence; kids I grew up with were reated the same way that a kind family who actually treated their kids well was such a rarity, I felt certain they must have been putting on a show. It was extremely, extremely rare I didn’t see girls being treated so viciously, verbally and physically. Yes, I believe guys are treated royally and it’s probably because universally, girls are considered liabilities and not commodities. Very sad. Hope you are well. THANK YOU for being there for me. It means a great deal to me to know you are out there. I have felt excruciatingly alone.
I wanted to clarify something; I meant my parents were collectively abusive until their divorce and Dad was only verbally threatening afterward, but Mom’s violence was escalated toward me by a million percent. She literally screamed at me 24 hours per day for the next 20 solid years, always accompanied by terrifying rages and painful hitting and pulling my hair, crushing my hands (deliberately because I love to draw, sew and type, so she was trying to render my hands useless), my jaw was crushed. My brother just sat and watched TV with a smirk on his face and never once came to my defense. She got angry with him if he “sassed her back”, meaning he tried to defend himself, but that didn’t occur more than three times and he is now 45 years old, whereas I was mute 24/7/365 and she bashed me to bits and took every MILLIMETER of frustration, anger, rage, hatred, hostility, hatred, hatre and hatred and more hatred upon me verbally and physically. I think I am only alive today because I wouldn’t allow them to “win”, either by killing me physically, or by causing me to commit my own suicide. The problem is that the problem is so prevalent (sorry for all my typos). Kids are allowed to be inflicted with “corporal punishment” as long as they live at home, even past adult age; parents can do anything except kill us and even if they supposedly accidentally kill us, again, they have their alibis all lined up about how bad we are/were. I was mute 100% of the time because I was hit if I tried to defend myself verbally, and the one time I shoved her away from me, that day before my 30th birthday, when she smashed my head against the wall, you would think I had actually assaulted her, she attacked me so viciously and painfully, I told her to just go ahead and finish me off; she had killed me in every other sense of the word. The police would not intervene and I reported her twice; they just laughed at me. Some 30+ years ago, Social Service organizations were not in place to remove abused children from homes; there was ONE foster family in Redding who took in a rare, rare child who was abandoned and/or abused. So parents of my generation got away Scott-free with their wretched abuse and with nobody to stop them, it continued. As a result, you couldn’t pay me to have kids and pass their insane genetics onto offspring. It is sad, but I have health issues, too, which have been hard enough for me to have to deal with; I wouldn’t pass what’s wrong with me onto offspring.
It’s absolutely unreal that this continued well into your adulthood.
It continued into adulthood to my horror, too, but I was so beaten down physically and emotionally and so strapped financially, with absolutely NO friends who could or would help and no relatives on either side of the family, plus once I started stupidly paying all of Mom’s stupid bills (being beaten to a pulp every time I told her they were NOT my debts and I could NOT afford to pay for them at all, any longer, in definitely, with constant death threats and knowing my cat would be destroyed if I died because she sure as Hell wouldn’t take care of her, I was really stuck for a very long time. When I hit age 30 in 1997, after that head smashing incident, the lease was up on this HORRIBLE garage apartment (Mom’s choice, of course, because she refused to live in an actual apartment building), I selected a two-bedroom apartment and said she could only live there if she paid her share of the rent while I battled to pay my bills and her bills. She broke my pinky nail or tore it in one of her horrifying hand-crushing incidents and when I screamed in pain she had the nerve to wince because I’d hurt her ears by screaming at the pain she had cruelly inflicted upon me. The next day, she drove away at 5:45AM leaving me stuck with my bills (which I was dutifully paying on, including my stupid college loans because she’d demanded I go to college, not paying one cent toward my education so she could boast she had two well-educated kids after breaking up our family; not that the family was anything great prior to their divorcing) her bills (I told her to take her bills with her if she was abandoning me from yet another apartment (this occurred three prior times prior to that horrid garage apartment, where I was stuck in the loft and having to pee and poop in a bowl because she attacked me every time I went downstairs to use the only bathroom which was conveniently attached to her bedroom) and she so savagely attacked me, I thought I was going to die, plus that exorbitant rent, wherein she crammed her room to the gills with all her sh** which EVERYBODY told me to throw out if she refused to live there and pay her share of the rent * more easy to say than to actually do considering they weren’t being brutally attacked and beaten by asserting themselves every time I tried to do so. Again, with Andy stringing me along, [romising me marriage and security right prior to this entire timeframe, I truly thought I was going to get married and be well rid of her at least in the living-with-her sense/physical aspect. There was also the horrendous guilt factor involved with all her incessant, chronic crying and complaining and always whining she was alone, so while I wish I could have struck out on my own, and eventually finally did so, it took years because I was so heavily in debt. Now I could just scream over how much I paid because she kept savagely attacking me and she hasn’t worked since, unless I foolishly got her work at former companies I’d worked at, wherein because of her hostile demeanor and they FINALLY witnessed one attack upon me, they refused to have her back, so, of course, she practically tore the muscle and skin from my arm in yet another savage attack AT work and I ordered her to leave and she kept attacking me and threatening me. So the massive guilt trips and brainwashing and crazy-making and physically brutal attacks and verbal attacks and threats left me so emotionally shattered, that until she was awarded Social Security, unless I wanted to die, I could NOT extricate myself from her ridiculous bills. It was horrible and I wished I could have been stronger, but I DID keep begging her to seek medical help, I BEGGED her to stop attacking me, I BEGGED HER to go back to work AT HER OWN JOB and resume paying her bills and all I got was screamed at and hit until I thought I would die.
That’s just awful…like a bad horror movie. I can’t even imagine. I’m so happy you are finally free of her!
Funny…my parents loved Elvis too, my mom still does. Thank you too!
Thank you, this is so true, I have a mother just like this, she is so abusive
and hateful. She is 75 and I am 54. I just went no contact with her.
I pray I never hear from her again. No one should be around a mother
like this. It is so true they will suck the life out of you if you let them and
they only get worse as they age.
OMG I’m in my 40′s and thanks to US military base control, some special educators and neighbors, I would be in terrible shape as this is my mother in the article. Thanks for keeping it out here on the web.
Todd, I’m happy you found people that helped keep you sane.