How It Feels To Be In A Relationship With A Narcissist – Part I
“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” – Abraham Maslow
In the scenario above, the true narcissist has only a hammer and you are the nail. They will attempt to beat you into submission using any number of manipulative and abusive tactics. Remember, their only objective, EVER, is to have their own false image mirrored back to them. Everything they do and say are simply attempts to control and perpetuate that image.
Of course, there are as many different ways a relationship with a narcissist can go as there are people. It all depends on their level of narcissism, other issues and/or personality disorders they have, your level of self-esteem, how strong and nearby your support system is, etc.
If you are very, very lucky, your narcissist will tire of you fast, be commitment-phobic and dump you. Suddenly. Possibly without any warning or even without letting you know. He may just disappear. You will spend countless hours going over and over the entire relationship wondering what happened and what you could have done to cause it’s demise. The answer? The narcissist found a new mirror. You were probably just one in a very long line of mirrors. It had nothing to do with you. It never had anything to do with you. Be thankful that you got out as soon as you did.
Many narcissists also fear abandonment and part of their false image is that of a family-man. While they are terrified of true intimacy, they want the world to see them as “normal” and believe that having a wife and (God forbid) kids projects the image they are looking for. If they also fear abandonment, they will latch onto you and never, ever let go. They will feed off of you like a vampire for the rest of your lives.
A narcissist’s inability to be affected emotionally derails his or her relationship over the long run, says Foster. “Narcissists seem great at first—they are confident, exciting and seem to be free of hang-ups. But then, Mr. Cool turns into Mr. Doesn’t Care.” - Psychology Today
You will feel confused most of the time. You will wonder what has become of your life. You will not understand why you have almost no self-esteem. You will look back at your previous self and have no clue how you came to be this unhappy mess of a person who believes she is worthless. You used to have some sense of self-worth. You used to be happy, or at least happier than you are now. You will blame yourself for the problems in your relationship and you will run yourself ragged trying to fix them, trying to do better, trying to be better…for him. You will do this because he has led you down a path of lies in which you believe he is quite a catch, you are lucky he chose you, you will never hurt him like all the others did, and that you are the cause of all the problems.
One minute, you will be the most perfect partner ever created. The next, you will be Satan himself. This black/white, devil/angel treatment by the narcissist will be one of the most compelling reasons you stay. When you are basking in the glow of his praise you feel like a beautiful, perfect goddess. You crave that feeling like a drug. You need it. It feels so much better than the horrible, gut-wrenching, guilt-ridden depression and anxiety that come with being on the receiving end of his anger and wrath, or worse yet…indifference. You are an addict and he is the drug dealer.
To be continued….
Some online resources:
Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Playing It by Heart: Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What
Choices : Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Codependence and the Power of Detachment
Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
Boundaries – Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
Breaking Free of Addictive Family Relationships (Healing Your Own Inner Child)
Thanks for stopping by!
“Many narcissists also fear abandonment and part of their false image is that of a family-man. While they are terrified of true intimacy, they want the world to see them as “normal” and believe that having a wife and (God forbid) kids projects the image they are looking for. If they also fear abandonment, they will latch onto you and never, ever let go. They will feed off of you like a vampire for the rest of your lives.”
This describes my husband in a nutshell, and anything that threatens that vision of himself he just cannot process.
I need to get motivated….
You probably don’t watch this… it’s my guilty pleasure and even I am ashamed. hehe But on “The Hills” on MTV Heidi and Spencer’s relationship is exactly what you described above. As I was watching a new episode last night and he had her out to breakfast, just watching her w/ this amused little smirk on his face as she was nearly in tears I thought — “Exactly what Cyndi just blogged about!!”
Did you enter that Anthony Bourdain ultimate fan contest to host a show? Completely unrelated, but I saw a re-run yesterday and he picked Saudi Arabia.
Geez…this describes my sons “sperm donor” to a tee.
Although, I did not need to know this information to realize it, but I am VERY, VERY glad he is not a part of our lives…ugg!
At least now I can use the word Narcissist instead of Asshole in mixed company! HA!@
So sorry to post this here, girlie…but I totally forget to post it in my response to your comment on my page.
You have to check this out– this was a version of Crazy that I neglected to mention:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBlmcak7cuA
God, I hope I’m not a narcissist. Maybe I should ask my wife.
It’s not a lack of motivation. You have been beaten down to the point where you don’t actually believe you can do it. You can.
No, I’ve never seen it but now I want to!
No, I didn’t know about AB’s contest. I probably wouldn’t enter anyway, can’t really see myself going on TV. And I have absolutely no desire to go to Saudi Arabia! He couldn’t pick somewhere fun, like the Cayman Islands or something?!
LOL – Glad you got out, and I’d still use Asshole – it fits so well!
No need to apologize, I’m listening to it now and the title of the song is actually appropriate for this particular post, no?
Well, you submitted the idea for the show. The winner just so happened to pick Saudi Arabia. It came down to there, Buffalo, Phillipines, and umm I think Taiwan? There were 1,300 entries and he said only those 4 were non-crazies! haha It was so funny to see him review some of them.
Oh…that was last season. I forgot about that. I did like the one he ended up picking.
LOL – if you are, you won’t believe her even if she says yes.