How It Feels To Get Involved With A Narcissist
“…you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Rex – he’ll lose you if you don’t move. But no, not Velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that’s when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side. …you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this… a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn’t bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say… no no. He slashes at you here… or here… or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is… you are alive when they start to eat you.” – Jurassic Park
I seem to be getting quite a bit of traffic due to my post, You May Be Dealing With A Narcissist If…, mostly based on search terms such as, “living with a narcissist” and “how to tell if a narcissist loves you”, to name a few of the more upsetting ones.
I have never been romantically involved with a narcissist. I consider myself to be extremely lucky. At one point I feared that hubby may be a narcissist based on a few of his behaviors but I realize now that he is not suffering from a personality disorder, his behaviors were normal for the situation and he is just a somewhat flawed human with some insecurities, just like the rest of us “normal” folks.
I did, however, grow up with a narcissistic father and have friends who are (or have been) involved with men who are clearly narcissists. I’d like to state again that I am not qualified to diagnose anyone. I am a psychology student, have studied this disorder and believe that I know, or have known several narcissists. This blog post is a compilation of my observations from my own personal experiences and that of the friends I mentioned.
You may be wondering what my quote from Jurassic Park about Velociraptors could possibly have to do with narcissists. I believe true narcissists to be the Velociraptors of the human species.
Narcissists try to project the image that they are more intelligent than they actually are. They are charismatic, charming and endearing. In the beginning.
Male or female, narcissists are the quintessential sharks: Self-confidence and charm make them highly appealing in the early stages of attraction. Since narcissists are very concerned about appearance, they’re likely to be well-groomed and fashionable. “He was into nice things, the best brand names. Everything was about treating himself well,” says Lynn, a 30-year-old consultant in San Diego, about her ex-boyfriend. “And he was totally charismatic….” – Psychology Today
They can spot a neurotic, co-dependent and/or “caretaker-type” woman from a mile away. Give them a few minutes in a room full of people and they will quickly determine who is insecure, shy and/or gullible for her age. They may not yet know exactly where your insecurities lie at first but they will find out, and fast.
Physical attractiveness is important, although perfection is not. They want any potential mate to be physically attractive but not confident enough or sure enough about herself to see through his nonsense. Any woman who has self-esteem issues, particularly if they are rooted in a belief (usually false belief) that she is not attractive, or less attractive than she actually is, is perfect for a narcissist to start working his magic on.
…there is a weak correlation between the narcissist’s behaviour and his professed or proclaimed emotions. The reason is that the latter are merely professed or proclaimed – but not felt. The narcissist fakes feelings and their outer expression in order to impress others, to gain their sympathy or to motivate them to act in a manner benefiting the narcissist and promoting his interests.
In this – as in many other simulated behaviour patterns – the narcissist seeks to manipulate his human environment. Inside, he is barren, devoid of any inkling of true feeling, even mocking. He looks down upon those who succumb to the weakness of experiencing emotions and holds them in contempt. He berates and debases them.
This is the heartless mechanism of “simulated affect”. This mechanism lies at the core of the narcissist’s inability to empathise with his fellow human beings. – Healthy Place
They may start off slowly at first so as to not frighten you away or tip their hand if it turns out that you are more sure of yourself than they thought. They are feeling you out. They will compliment you and will watch how you react. If you are self-effacing, blush, look away, shy, or reply with anything other than a confident but appreciative, “thank you”, they’ll know they’ve hit the jackpot.
Normally they will then hit you head on with an unending assault of their incredible charm and intelligence. They will tell stories that aren’t at all true, or only partially true, to make them seem as if they are more worldly, intelligent and experienced with women than they actually are. They may throw in some mildly sad sounding story about a previous relationship not working out to see if they can further hook you. If you indicate that you can’t believe someone could have treated them a certain way when they are clearly so attractive, smart, etc., you are officially hooked.
They will shower you with attention. You will feel like the most important person in their life. They will come on strong. They will cross boundaries way too soon. It will feel like an exciting whirlwind of romance and you will believe, because he will most likely even say it, that you have found your one true love and soul-mate. They will say things such as, “no one else has ever understood me/gotten me/clicked with me, etc. the way you do”. They will divulge sad little stories of mistreatment (mostly untrue) by their mothers, friends, previous girlfriends, etc. to give you the impression of intimacy and to secure your belief that you were meant for each other. You can’t believe anyone else finds this amazing man to be anything less than perfect, those people must be insane! This insures that you will not only hold onto your belief that your relationship is perfect, but also that you will never hurt him the way the others have.
Once you’re completely on the hook…..let the games begin. To be continued…
Some online resources:
Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Playing It by Heart: Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What
Choices : Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Codependence and the Power of Detachment
Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
Boundaries – Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
Breaking Free of Addictive Family Relationships (Healing Your Own Inner Child)
Thanks for stopping by!
Even though, like you, it’s my father but I still see how he treats me in how you’ve described the N in a romantic relationship. Makes me want to throw up. To this day I have a hard time taking a compliment from anyone. I see how he hooked my mom too. She recently reminded me of a story he shared when they were decorating my brother’s room when he came along, she said he basically broke down sobbing like a little kid saying no one had ever decorated his childhood room. I hate it, being human you want to feel something for the guy but at the same time I’m thinking “hook, line, sinker! Don’t fall for it…”
Oh and loved the Jurassic Park quote! Think I’m gonna have to file that one away, spot on!
The Jurassic Park clip is interesting, but I believe when photographed, you can see the lie in the eyes of the narcissist. My father and my second husband were narcissists, and I found that once you saw the shift you knew. I have been looking for a way to inform women (and men also) about narcissism and you have provided excellent information.
I find it difficult to believe, especially in women, that they are still so uninformed and captured by the deceit. It is painful to watch, knowing that informing them will only distance them from you. The hardest part is when there are children involved, and the spouse is so ignorant of the abuse inflicted by the narcissist. “He berates and debases them.” That is a great line.
Thanks for your insight, I’ll be regular reader. I find it funny that I found you from the Chuck Lorre Vanity Cards. I have been a long time follower of the vanity cards.
I think that the narcissists themselves have spread propaganda that their potential victims are “inferior” in some way. I know I have attracted narcissists largely BECAUSE I had everything they lacked and were, in double measure!
They are not usually above average intelligence, nor are they that charming. That’s just what they want us to be saying
These are the hooks they leave in us, long after they are gone, They want us to beleive they are larger than life, instead of pathetic loser clowns.
my last bf was one of these. he left me for a girl he “clicked with” via facebook speeddating. ha! that’s what he told me at the beginning of our relationship when he was all “up my butt” as i describe our whirlwind he must be with me at all times courtship.
13 years with the hook… I just understood. Its like a revelation. You give love, you get hate, you give joy, you get hate, you give happiness, you get hate, but its all hidden under that smile. My ex has just hooked another…..a good woman, kind and loving…..she has been looking for a man for some years. I want to warn her not to give like I have for so long, in such misery and deception. Any suggestions girls?
thanks Cyndi for your reply. I am sure that there is nothing to be done except stay as far away as possible from him and his new victim. I have poems about my N. I would like to share them or find a publisher because I think women/men need to know as much as possible about this. Kathy
FREE: LOL…I love your confidence, self assurance and strength….IT takes tons of self esteem when with them and their cunning ways…to finally “KNOW”…the facade…and respect yourself enough to recognize your true worth…You are a great help to this site….Tons of gals feel that they are(N’S) sooooo charming and that they can get anyone….I am seeing the light, I hope…….they get those of us who deep down ……don’t feel that great about ourselves….I realized this when I had this concept…Girls???….IF we truley like ourselves, then how can we think their abuse is charming…..Charming …sincerely charming men and truley charmng n men are sincere…The sincereity is the true charm along with other things……….Feigned charm is NOT CHARM…It’s a con job and an artificial act…yes? HUG TO ALL>..Me, too! Whew! Thanks, Free…How you helped…!!!!
Whoops…can’t find my reading glasses…so forgive typos and spelling…In a hurry…BBL….
Ugh…that story makes my skin crawl now. There was a time when I’m sure I would have fallen for that type of story. I can totally see how my father hooked my mom this way too.
Thanks!
LOL – when photographed you can see the lie in their eyes…love that! Yes, it is the most difficult when there are kids involved. I’ve noticed too that being informed doesn’t necessarily bring change in a woman enmeshed with a narcissist, at least not immediately. It seems to take a long time for the denial to lift and for them to believe that they have the power to make changes. It’s painful and frustrating to watch.
“I think the hard to win over thing is true if we are talking about hard to get them to be truly emotionally intimate”.
YES. Even impossible. What helped me a lot was understanding that with a narcissist, there is no diamond in the rough buried underneath, no solid central core or hidden true self, Once you’ve peeled off all the layers, there is… nothing, or very, very little (depending on how malignant they are).
“They want us to beleive they are larger than life, instead of pathetic loser clowns.” – this is SO accurate.
I tried to cover as many bases as I could in my multiple posts about narcissists. I agree that they are not charming once you can spot them but at first, before you can spot them, they appear to be very charming. That’s how they hook unsuspecting people.
Maybe they aren’t all of above average intelligence, the ones I have encountered have been. The more intelligent they are, the more successful they are at reading others and acting as if they are actually human with real feelings. They do always try to appear even more intelligent than they are. Once you know how to spot one, the fake charm and intelligence don’t matter though, they all just look ugly, sad and pathetic.
I understand what you mean completely, and I hope I didn’t come off too harsh
It’s just that I’ve noticed that they actually sometimes have implanted things in our brains, that skew our perception of them, even after we have left them. For example, something that circulates about narcissists is that they are very cunning and hard to “win” over. I’m not sure I agree. Most of them are so self-absorbed and dysfunctional that you can “fool” them pretty easily. Once I got a clue, I made sure I got back what was rightfully mine.
I think a big part of getting rid of them (in a wider context) is to change the image of them to EMBARRASSING MISFITS AND LOSERS. They are ridiculous and have no power at all
I’m sure as similar as their behaviors are, there are also many individual differences.
Yes, they absolutely do attempt to plant things in our heads that skew our perceptions. In fact, that is all they do, all the time. This particular post was meant to describe how it feels in the beginning, when you are not clued into how they operate.
I think the hard to win over thing is true if we are talking about hard to get them to be truly emotionally intimate, because they can never be truly emotionally intimate, since they are incable of feeling emotions and are always only faking and are terrified of intimacy. However, once you can spot one a mile away, it is pretty simple to out-manipulate them and is fun to do in the short term, right?
Yes, they are embarrassing misfits and losers with zero power over us, or themselves. They know it and we know it. But we didn’t always know it. Talking about it like this will hopefully help those who still can’t see them for what they really are. I appreciate your comments and you aren’t harsh at all!
All “up your butt”? I love it! That pretty much accurately describes how they just can’t get enough narcissistic supply from you in the beginning of a relationship. Ugh.
Very well said! There are no layers, just bullshit.
IMHO: Stay out of his life completely. She won’t believe you. He’ll tell her you’re evil and/or crazy. He’ll just get an ego boost out of believing that you are so bitter, hurt and jealous that you are trying to break them up to get him back. He doesn’t see himself the way you do.
It’s tough to break away but if you take a step back and really look, they aren’t charming at all. They’re shallow, selfish and only pretend to have actual human feelings. Nothing charming about that.