Don't Go Changing
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy
In my quest to understand and change my dysfunctional patterns of behavior, I have encountered significant resistance from many people in my life. As I have learned more about myself and instituted certain changes, some people have responded with blatant anger, disagreement and manipulation. Others have more subtly let me know that they do not appreciate, understand or desire these changes.
Hubby was the first one. That only makes sense as the first changes I made directly affected him. He reacted with outrage, denial and insistent demands that I change back. At the time I thought this was abnormal behavior and that he may, in fact, be evil and/or insane. He eventually changed his stance completely and I learned more. I now realize that his initial reactions were perfectly normal, although painful for both of us. No one wants their world rocked, particularly if they aren’t the ones who initiated the changes and didn’t see it coming.
In our case we had an unspoken but understood “contract”. This is true in all relationships. We unconsciously agreed to certain terms. I would behave one way and he would behave one way in any given situation. When I started to realize that I was behaving in ways that were not healthy for either of us and started to change those behaviors, I was, in effect, re-writing the contract without his consent.
One of many examples that immediately come to mind is that I unconsciously agreed to never criticize him or anything that he did (in all fairness, this worked both ways, he was not to criticize me either). Of course I did this anyway from time to time over the years but would always eventually back down. When I came to the conclusion that this was not healthy for either of us and started to stand my ground, things got ugly.
My unconscious agreement to never criticize, or to at least back down after daring to criticize, led me to behave in-authentically. I had to be fake and ignore my own feelings, wants and needs in order to live up to my end of the contract. It also enabled him to continue to make poor choices and suffer none of the consequences of those choices. This was clearly not healthy for either of us and I stopped fulfilling this part of the contract. I started to be honest with him and myself, for the first time in my life.
As I said, I now understand why he reacted the way he did initially. Having said that, it is still frightening for me to face the wrath or even subtle disapproval of other loved ones who have a vested personal interest in me living up to my end of the contracts we have together. They are feeling just as my hubby did in the beginning. They view my changes as threatening to them. They are perfectly fine with the contract we have because it allows them to live in denial. Denial feels like a much safer place than self-awareness, even though it’s a false sense of security. While I do get it, it is still painful and confusing when I know I’m moving in the right direction and am told that I am not.
Everyone, particularly a person locked into lifelong dysfunctional contracts, fears change. If I rock the boat, what will happen to them as a result? I can’t control that. All I can control is my own choices, reactions and behaviors. Some of these people will eventually embrace what I am doing as hubby did. Others may never do so. We may end up being more distant than we once were or we may end up with no relationship at all. All I can do is continue on the path that is healthy for me and hope that I don’t lose people who are important to me along the way.
Thanks for stopping by!
Wow, I am gob-smackingly stunned by the profound nature of this note. Nothing to say, but thank you.
http://www.igrewup.wordpress.com
beautiful, and so true. i truly believe that the only certainty in life is that things will change, but it can be so hard to accept that, recognize it, and be open to the consequences, whether the change comes from within or without.
This post made me think of the sabatoging behavior that some in my life exhibited when I started to lose the baby weight almost three years ago. It required a lot of dietary changes, which of course others couldn’t understand. And then came the backhanded compliments… like, “Oh you look great, but I think you’re getting a little too thin.”. Um…. thanks, I think. Now, I realize that they were just threatened & didn’t know how to express the fact that our roles were changing. It’s hard when your friend or spouse suddenly starts getting a lot of positive attention (especially from guys.). Does this make any sense? LOL… It did when I started, but now I feel like I’m rambling. Anyways.. I have a feeling you understand what I mean. That’s just how we roll:)
A wise person once said, “To thine own self be true.” Pretending things are fine might be more comfortable, but you are not living the life that YOU are meant to live. You are being comfortable in someone else’s life.
If we don’t allow ourselves to change then we prevent ourselves from growing. I have always embraced change and recognize that without it we can never gain wisdom.
I have made a pact with myself to change this year and I have already peeled a few layers that were bogging me down and I feel great.
I lost weight years ago as well and it forever changed who I am and I will never be the girl I once was. But because I was the girl I once was I am able to be the woman I am today. Does that make sense?
It’s a very hard thing you do. I admire you seeing what needs to happen and acting on it. Change is hard for everyone involved, there is a trickle down affect to kids who have to figure out the new dynamics as well. New life choices mean new consequences both good and bad. If you’re able to stand firm with this you’re relationships have the potential to be so much stronger. It’s hard to understand a person being unable to receive criticism from someone who loves them and wants the best for them….until you are the one on the receiving end. In the end you being able to discuss what you think are bad decisions on your loved ones part as well as hear about your own will make you a stronger person. You’ll also create a great example for your kids. If you keep ignoring things, that will also teach your kids. Some people have a very hard time confusing loving criticism with being critical.
the #1 thing i learned in counseling is that when 1 person changes, everyone around them must change. unfortunately, i lost my 6-year relationship over it. BUT i am happier with ME and that is the most important.
No one remain stagnant, we are changing every moment. The important thing is that we change for the better and in this we have a choice.
I saw your blog link on She Became a Butterfly’s blog and I just had to say that this really touched me. I would like to read more. This is the kind of stuff I need right now, at such a difficult time in my life.
“Gob-smackingly”?! I like it! And thank YOU.
Yes, it makes total sense. That actually happened to me too. I lost a lot of weight a few years ago and many felt threatened by that too.
You said it sister!
Absolutely, we wouldn’t be who we are today without everything that came before.
Very well said.
That’s the tough part. They don’t have to change. It just doesn’t work anymore, or at least not in the same way, if they don’t. I’m sorry about your relationship but agree 100% that being true to yourself if the most important thing.
Very well said!
Thanks for stopping by, and welcome!