You May Be Dealing With A Narcissist If…
“Since [narcissists] deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil, on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.” – M. Scott Peck
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
- Believing that you’re better than others
- Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Exaggerating your achievements or talents
- Expecting constant praise and admiration
- Believing that you’re special
- Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings
- Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
- Taking advantage of others
- Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
- Being jealous of others
- Believing that others are jealous of you
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Being easily hurt and rejected
- Having a fragile self-esteem
- Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others.
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.
But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better. - Mayo Clinic
Ever dealt with anyone who encompasses some, or all, of these traits? I have. Well, let me back-track a little. I am not a psychologist, just a psychology student who has studied this disorder. I am not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. However, I do believe that I repeatedly encounter folks who probably could be diagnosed with NPD or at the very least, have many of the symptoms.
Narcissus or Narkissos (Greek: ?????????) in Greek mythology was a hero from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. In the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and somehow dies out of frustration. – Wikipedia
In my experience, many of us may, from time to time, identify with one or two of the characteristics listed. However, I can immediately think of at least four people in my life (past or present) who seem to meet the vast majority of these symptoms consistently.
Narcissists do not see other people as individuals, separate from themselves. We are simply mirrors in which they can look to reinforce their false senses of superiority and grandiosity. We are not in their lives to be loved, only to reflect back onto them that which they want to see in themselves. We are mirrors.
If you are successful, then they are pleased because they are associated with a successful person. If you say and do all the “right” things, they are pleased because you are reflecting the image they are trying to project. If you make a “mistake”, say or do the “wrong” thing, watch out. Their wrath knows no bounds.
My relationships with Narcissists have always had a roller-coaster quality to them. The highs were great but the lows were devastating. They literally suck the life out of you, drain you and then discard you when they find a bigger, better or more flattering mirror. They may keep you on the bench, throwing you little nuggets to keep you in their game, just in case they need you again sometime.
This is difficult to digest and believe about someone you love. It sounds so outrageous. Nonetheless, it’s true. Emotionally investing in a Narcissist is painful and degrading. If you do come to realize their flaws, and it is tough to do because you spend so much time blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship, it’s still extremely difficult to un-hook.
Trying to figure them out is futile. Trying to understand why they came to be this way is pointless. You will only find yourself focusing all of your attention on them, feeling sorry for them, blaming yourself and getting in deeper and deeper. Try pointing out their faults and you will really feel their wrath. That wrath can range from manipulation and blatant lies to verbal and/or physical abuse.
I have found that the only way for me to deal with a Narcissist is to avoid them at all costs. When cutting them out of my life completely is impractical or impossible, I maintain as much distance as possible and keep the relationship on a superficial level, so as to not become emotionally invested.
Some online resources:
Recommended Reading (yes, I’ve read them all):
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Playing It by Heart: Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What
Choices : Taking Control of Your Life and Making It Matter
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
Healing the Shame that Binds You
Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Codependence and the Power of Detachment
Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
Boundaries – Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
Breaking Free of Addictive Family Relationships (Healing Your Own Inner Child)
Thanks for stopping by!
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My ex husband… And you’re feelings are so right. You just have to avoid them. Seeing the pain it was causing my children that brought me to my senses. I’m sorry that they will be affected by his behavior the rest of their lives causes me so much distress. I’m sorry that you’ve come in contact with so many. At least you recognize that its nothing that you did that caused them to behave the way they do.
I have run into a few people that would fit into this category. The analyzer that I am always makes me think, what happened to them in their lifetime that brought this out or were they simply born with it. And if they were, I am a firm believer that if it was addressed early on it may have not manifested to the point that it becomes in adulthood.
The book Malignant Self Love is a book that helped me connect the dots of my exhaustive last marriage. One term I learned well in my journey of ‘Narcissist Boot Camp’ (term for marriage) was ‘gaslighting.’
I think you may need a radio show!
Greetings from one who frequents the Alpha Inventions blog connector. I really like what I’m seeing here and will definitely return. Yours is such an excellent blog!
What?? Not naming names? Anyways, I’ve also learned the best thing to do is avoid people that tie you up in knots. I don’t know if she’s a narcissist, but my sister-in-law used to do whatever she could to torture me. My life has been so much calmer since we decided to avoid her–we didn’t even go to her 2nd wedding. I figured she tortured me enough at the first one.
Dropping in from Condron.us
Yes, I have had dealings with a couple of people who were/are very much like this. It is frustrating as hell to have someone with NPD as a friend before you realize exactly what the problem is.
For a while, you begin to doubt yourself, think that perhaps you are going crazy, or are just not being a good friend. Once you start to pinpoint exactly where the problem lies, then you can get out as fast as you can.
But it’s the realizing that is the hardest and most painful part.
Poietes
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” – C.S. Lewis
After that we manage to figure things out. Radio broadcasting reaches the masses and women need something other than, dare I mention …. Dr. Laura.
You’d be an excellent contender, I could be a sidekick. Think ‘Car Talk’ … love those guys.
So close … it was ‘S.’ The ‘R’ in my life was a good guess though. It’s like you know me or something
*sigh* I’ve dated a few people like this, not fun at all.
Was curious as I seem to get so many hits on my few posts around my husband’s narcissistic ex wife. Unfortunately, we live in a world where we can not rid her – my husband shares 50% custody of his boys with her, and she fights to control every ounce of the relationship. We have learned through our therapist that she is miserable underneath and that we must pick our battles – that when we engage her, we feed her supply.
It is a struggle every single day on to get pulled in.
And for the sake of the boys, we continue our battle.
The hardest and most important thing to do is to ignore the narcissist, and get support. I danced the usual macabre dance while ending it with the narcissits I was involved with for several months. Then, finally, he attempted another reconciliaton and I agreed, thinking, I would give my entire , “heart and soul,” but that is something they truely do not comprehend. Everything in their life is about, “how it looks.” He decided to end it that time and my heart said, “let him, I don’t care.” I am not about who evens the score. I will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, even if they have problems, since we all do. Since I live in a narcissistic community, he fits in well. I do not. This was a learning experience for me to love myself more. I believed I truely loved him, however, I fell in love with the, “image,” he presented me with. It was a text book case. In fact, he makes trips every year to Macedonia, which has only led me to believe he is counseling with the world expert on narcissism, Sam Vankin. I wanted honesty. I can deal with any kind of honesty. But, narcissists, do not understand truth….only what their truth is. I still miss the person I thought I loved and I wish him well. I believe that narcissists do not require, “true love.” They require constant, “drooling.” And again, I’m living in a town which should actually be called narcissistville. I’m agressively looking to relocate and wish all of these people caught in the , “web,” to wake up and save their sanity. Luckily, mine only took a year and a half to make me clear but the others have taken much longer.
Women beware, If you think you are meeting a man who sounds too good to be true, do a background check on him. If he has not been married or attached for several years….there is a reason why. And watch for inconsistances in words and behavior. The narcissist is a masterful lyer and he will constantly attempt to make you feel inferior, especially if he comes from any kind of family money. He will dazzle you with all of his, “stuff,” and images all over google but the , “fallout,” is a very painful recovery.
The biggest sadness is, underneath the disorders, there is a wonderful human being, unable to remove himself from the imprisoned indoctrination of what he believes is himself, a superior human being….that is why he is trolling the internet for innocent young victims.
My prayers to all women. We need to stop the madness and value ourselves. Good luck to all and much peace, including my former narcissist, who I really believed I love but he could not keep his “nose” out of my business, even when I requested it. What a sad mess. God bless to everyone. Let us all love better, forgive more, but not allow those with extra issues to hurt us, because it is not fair. Peace.
Thank you so much for the feedback and support! Every day I think I have moved beyond, and something insidious creeps in. Then I tell myself No, No, No. When the initial behavior was occurring, I was dumbfounded. I could not understand it, so I started reading the internet and doing research. That is also how I discovered Sam, who encouraged me to join a support group.
I do believe that the former person I dated, if in fact, he is seeing Sam, is just becoming more entrenched in the disorder. Mind you, it is pure speculation, but it seems uncanny that he takes yearly trips to Macedonia. He also referred to himself as a , “vampire,” at times. The main thing is that I got out and have educated myself. Unfortunately, because of where I live, the disorder is feeding off of itself and everybody. The businesses and places of employment operate in the same fashion.
This is a serious problem throughout the country. Luckily, you and I and hopefully others will educate and support one another so we can start to change ourselves and our behavior and eventually the N disorder will become less.
I keep telling my 6 year old son, who has personality, looks and smarts, I’m not raising a narcissist. Then I give him all the reasons he must wait for something, be patient and consider someone else. I am well aware he is at a crucial age and he is also an only child.
I do not mean to be one sided about this because I know that that are woman who are “N’s too, however, most are men. I believe those of us who have awareness, need to educate others when possible and work on our behavior too. I’m constantly asking myself, “why am I attracting this?”
Women have got to start supporting and being there for one another and raising each other to the highest esteem.
I read the list of traits and unfortunately my husbands ex fits almost all of them on top of that if I were to pull up the traits for Borderline and Histrionic personality disorders she fall under almost all of those traits. To add icing to the cake she is Bipolar as well, this all has been medically documented by a psychologist. Now imagine trying to co-parent with some like this. Not only that she makes me her target most of the time, I can’t begin to understand why. . . some link to my husband still maybe.She always wants control and when she doesn’t get her way she explodes into a tantrum, yelling, screaming, making threats. She will do this to professionals that are involved in our children’s lives. She never listens to reason, it’s all her way and she of course is the victim all the time. It is was horrible at first living life with her in the picture, she will never go away, but we have found that we just block her out and she can do no harm to our little family. I feel sorry for the people that surround her now, her recently new boyfriend and her friends, they have no idea what they are in for. Her poor mother is still trying to mother her and she is 31 years old. The stress she brings with her is enormous, lying, manipulating, hiding, anger, emotional blackmail, insecurity (although of course she projects that she is the most secure person in the world).
But the ones that really are getting hurt by her behavior is the children. She emotionally has just tortured them. They are so scared of her it is unreal. They put on a “I love you to death and only you mommy” attitude for her because even as young as they are they know she will pop her top at them and has. It is also unfortunate that our daughter, her bio daughter is starting to show the same signs of the same illnesses. If only we could get her to see her mental illnesses and get help for them then there might still be help for the children, but I don’t see that happening any time soon.
I could go on and on but I think you get my point. It is a struggle to stay the least.
Oh my god, that sounds like a horrific situation. With all of those diagnoses I can’t believe she isn’t hospitalized or at least on some serious meds. Is there no way for you and your husband to get full custody with only supervised visitation? I feel so sorry for kids who are subjected to abuse of any kind and I’ll be hers know horrors we can’t even begin to imagine. Thank you for sharing your situation. It sounds like you have a very healthy attitude about a very unhealthy and toxic person that you are forced to deal with. Hang in there!
Thanks so much for the link but please steer clear of Vaknin and all his sites.
http://www.enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Sam_Vaknin
A great blog for this list is http://allabouthim.com
Thank you again…
I admit, I was torn about including Vaknin. I got sucked into reading him while doing research and it was like one of those bad horror films that you just can’t stop watching, you know? I knew that any links to him would just provide him with more narcissistic supply and possibly profits but couldn’t help myself at the time. But you’re right, nothing good can come from him and I have removed his links. Thank you for sharing these two links!
OMG!! I have a sister that has all these traits. I was reading the list and now I have a better understanding. Thank you for sharing because I always been told that I am the “bad” one . It does lessen the hurt I have felt my whole life
Welcome to my psycho-babble blog!
I’m glad this post helped you. That is what makes dealing with narcissists so crazy for us….they manipulate us into believing we are in the wrong. It can be incredibly confusing.
I wonder if you have any insights about an issue that comes up for me. I am a community activist. I work with creating a local monetary system, environmental groups, and peace groups. What I see over and over is an NPD comes into the group and over time destroys the moral and joy of the group. The last few survivors of the group then hang on desperately to the bitter end, but by this time those left are totally in thrall to the NPD.
I have been looking for a way to either screen for such a person before they join a group, or a way to get rid of them after they have joined the group. Of course asking someone to leave is usually seen by the other members as simply rude and unjustified. It would be better to screen.
Have you ever seen in anything you have read, a way to screen or any other method for handling the situation I am describing? I would be most grateful for any advice that you may have.
I can imagine how one of these individuals would cause problems in a group setting.
I am not a trained counelor or psychologist, just writing about my own experiences and what I’ve learned.
Do you currently have any sort of screening process, a series of questions each new member is required to answer? I would imagine that N’s answers would be similar to each other and yet vastly different from everyone else’s.
My radar would be up if at the first meeting or interview the person behaved as if he/she were boastful, dominated the conversation, manipulative, ignored and/or refused to acknowledge your authority as leader of the group, etc.
It may seem to us regular folks that asking someone to leave a group is rude, and I completely understand that, however, the N is actually the problem in the group, not the person asking him/her to leave. If this is an ongoing problem, maybe some education for your groups about narcissists would be helpful.
Cyndi,
I came across your N blog, and could not stop reading it. I too separated from my ex in January of 08 and have been dumbfounded by the range of behavior I’ve witnessed. Thank goodness I began journaling at the end of our marriage. So many things I read on your blog were dead on. There are so many similarities, I don’t even know where to start… Thanks for providing such practical descriptions of the things you’ve experienced. It was validating to realize that many of the things that I’ve experienced have also happened to other people, it’s not just me “being suspicious”
Thank you too! After falling under their “spell” we do allow them to convince us that we are the ones who are nuts, right?! I’m so happy for you that you got out and just think of all that you’ve learned and how you can now spot this abuse if you ever come across it again.
Great thread and thanks. While the entire article is very good two gems I really like which are:
“Trying to figure them out is futile. Trying to understand why they came to be this way is pointless.”
And..
“I have found that the only way for me to deal with a Narcissist is to avoid them at all costs. When cutting them out of my life completely is impractical or impossible, I maintain as much distance as possible and keep the relationship on a superficial level, so as to not become emotionally invested.”
Both statements are true to heart and dear to soul. So much I wanted to “understand” the why’s and what’s only to awaken to the reality it doesn’t matter and in the end one needs to move on and heal oneself. While we all do need some type of closure (something they will never give us) and answers I have found the most profound questions I asked are the ones that I have asked of myself and that deals with myself and those answers to assist me in my healing and personal growth. Any good business person knows that the fastest way to kill a business in to keep investing good money after bad. Sometimes it’s best to walk away from a bad investment then trying to keep a dead dream alive when it’s best to just let it die…
James´s last blog ..Welcome
To try to communicate emotions to a narcissist is like discussing atheism with a religious fundamentalist.
Well said. They don’t have them so don’t understand them, and furthermore, see us as weak for having them.
I’m sorry you were married to one and sorry for your kids too. Yes, I NOW recognize them but it took sooooo long.
I agree with you that this develops in childhood and am also an analyzer. Unfortunately, getting sucked into analyzing this type of person has always resulted in pain for me.
Ok, I added this book to my to-read list. LOL – we should do a radio show together!
Welcome and thank you!
Thank you very much. I checked out your blog yesterday too. I’ll be back…
Of course, I love that quote.
Is that quack still on the radio? I think we could get some serious mileage by simply discussing craigslist ads.
Very well said. Without exception, I have allowed each of these people to turn my life upside down and I felt crazy. It’s so difficult to grasp that you can love someone that is such a soul-less, manipulative #%$&@ that it’s tough to figure out that the problem is them, not you.
LOL – no, sorry, I did think about naming names but decided that this blog is for ME to vent, not to publicly humiliate anyone. If they piss me off enough though…..
That really is the amazing thing, once you disengage from these folks life is so calm that when you look back you can’t understand how you got sucked in!
Are you always thinking what I’m thinking?
What letter am I thinking of tell me that?
R?
Sounds about right….every interaction with these folks is just an ego-boost for them, even when we can’t begin to imagine what their getting out of it. It stinks when you can’t just get rid of one of them. Amazing how many folks are dealing with one, based on our blog hits, isn’t it?
What do you think of Sam Vaknin? I’m drawn to his writing like a train wreck. His words are fascinating, he unabashedly admits to his own NPD and how he uses up his prey. Do you think if your former N is talking to him that it’s helpful or that they are just perfecting their craft? I have so many mixed feelings about Sam but can’t stop reading!
I don’t live in a place that I consider to be narcissistville (love that by the way!) but am still amazed at how many there are lurking around pretending to be actual humans now that I can spot them a mile away.
I’m sorry you had to deal with one but happy that you have come to such a complete understanding and are focusing on yourself. It’s way too easy to waste years or entire lifetimes getting sucked dry by one of these just waiting for when it will feel good again. Congrats on breaking free and for your insightful comment.
I have to agree that it is odd that he makes annual trips to Macedonia. Thanks again for all of your comments!