The Definition Of Love
“Love is an action, not a feeling.” – M. Scott Peck
As defined by M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, genuine love is:
The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I am currently reading this amazing book. I was shocked to find this brief definition. I fully expected at least an entire paragraph when the author promised to provide his definition of Love.
He goes on to break down the differences between “falling in love” and “genuine love”.
He describes falling in love as the sexually charged honeymoon period of a romantic relationship. I completely agree with his assertion that this period always ends. He indicates that the moment this period ends is the exact moment where genuine love can begin. We have this mythological misconception about that “one true love”, that there is just one person on this earth with whom we will forever fit perfectly and live happily ever after.
This seems possible in the beginning stage of a romantic relationship. It feels as if we have found our soul-mate and together all things are possible and no problems can exist. Once reality starts to set in and we realize that this person is actually just as human as we are and has their own wants, needs, opinions, etc. that do not always match our own, we are disappointed and many relationships end there. Some people never find genuine love because they spend their whole lives chasing this fairy tale and are repeatedly disappointed.
The other option at the end of the honeymoon period, according to the author, is the beginning of genuine love. He indicates that this requires the will to be loving, even when not feeling particularly loving. He describes commitment to the relationship and your own and your partner’s spiritual growth even when you are tired, bored, irritated, attracted to someone else, etc. This is a very brief summary of his lengthy explanation which includes perfect analogies and examples from his practice.
He does not suggest that all couples should stay together at the end of the honeymoon phase. He acknowledges that without any judicious discipline we can, and do, fall in love with people that are not good for us or with whom genuine love would not be possible. He does, however, suggest that if the person we have fallen in love with is a good match, the only way to genuine love is to be truly committed to the relationship and give up the myth of the fairy tale.
Maybe this all sounds extremely obvious. For me, it does reinforce beliefs I already have about the fairy tale nonsense. It also brings up many new ideas (to me) about exactly how to cultivate a liberating, committed, loving relationship with yourself, your partner and all other human beings in general.
Most interesting (and encouraging) to me is the fact that his definition of love does not include taking care of the other person, spending every waking moment together, or being passively dependent on one another. His definition does not include anything about meeting every need your partner has or losing your own identity. In fact, he says that in order to truly give yourself up to a healthy, genuine loving relationship, you must first establish your own identity. He doesn’t use the term co-dependency but he does describe dependency in significant detail, and that being the main crux of my previous marital problems, I will write another post about that part of this book soon.
Thanks for stopping by!
“… in order to truly give yourself up to a healthy, genuine loving relationship, you must first establish your own identity.”
I completely agree! When my hubby and I were first living together, we did spend every waking moment together. Instead of making us close, it drove us crazy. Too much of a good thing can be bad. We actually broke up for a year.
Obviously, we got back together. But, we’ve accepted that we can have different interests and a separate circle of friends. Separate bathrooms helps too! Lol. It just makes the time we do spend together more meaningful.
I need that today!
I think I am going to pick up this book.
Thanks!
What an interesting definition! I totally agree that romantic love ends. At it’s best, it’s a bit sad, and at it’s worst, it ends in a break up. I’ve met so many people who are serial monogamists because they think that when things start to become a struggle, they have to move on to the next romance.
What comes next according to some psychologists is the Power Struggle stage – When you start to see each other for real and need to be valued for who you are. (My way of loading the dishwasher or making toast can become a big thing!!) So many people think this is the end of love … but it’s the beginning of the work in getting to “extending” to each other in a true way without the rose colored chemicals!
Thanks for sharing.
Val
During my seven years as a bookseller, I sold hundreds of copies of this book, but I never felt the compulsion to read it. You have changed that for me.. thank you!
PS I gave you an award of my page…be sure to check it out!
This is so true. You have to make an actual conscious decision to be committed to this other person and the relationship. Even when they really get on your nerves sometimes! Your partner is just another person–not your missing half. I think some people like the fairy-tale notion of soul-mates. And then they’re disappointed when they learn there’s no such thing.
Interesting post. Love is a good thing, and like anything else that is worthwhile takes time and personal sacrifice to mutually benefit two who have become, essentially, one.
Thought you might like this definition too.
Love is just not looking at each other and saying “You’re wonderful”. There are times when we are anything but wonderful. Love is looking out in the same direction, it is linking our strength to pull a common load, it is pushing together towards the far horizons, hand in hand. Love is knowing that when our strength falters, we can borrow the strength of someone who cares. Love is a strange awareness that our sorrows will be shared and made lighter by sharing; that joys will be enriched and multiplied by the joy of another. Love is knowing someone else cares that we are not alone in life.
(Walter Rinder)
Great post! I agree but I must admit that sometimes I do miss the fairy tale phase. Take care, A.
Thank you. I have been looking for an answer to the question, “Can I love someone without needing them?” and this gave wonderful insight. Cheers!
You and me both sister.
hey there,
found your tweet on the tweetster (so i guess it does work, lol) but found this interesting… my husband and i have been married for “24″ years and we have been thru it alll, check out my blog in any event.. the honeymoon period is what most people think marriage is about and when the chips of “life” start falling they bail out! i’ve seen it sooo many times, i’m not saying you need to get “lost” in someone else you must know yourself first but i think a marriage should be based on a solid belief in each other in good and in bad!
cheers!
shelley
http://iamstillstandingafterallthistime.blogspot.com
http://theplaygroundprincess.blogspot.com
It really is an outstanding book. I have about 15 different pages dog-eared to return to for different reasons.
I agree that separate interests is a major key to keeping a relationship from getting stale. It’s nice to read about it from a respected professional too. Separate bathrooms….that’s a dream come true!
The author does pretty much explain what you just said, that you drop all your boundaries in the beginning because it’s so exciting and then once you start putting them back up (making toast, etc.) then it feels like it’s not going so well anymore. Very well said, thanks for your comment!
Much more poetic than Dr. Peck’s definition. Thank you!