Fear And Loathing In Suburbia
“The Question Of Self Pity” – Joan Didion
I got a full night’s sleep last night so I’m feeling much better today (yay!). Yesterday morning was….well, ugly. I was lost in a fog of self-pity for a few hours after the kids left for school. It was fueled by getting only two and a half hours of sleep the night before, a book I read while not sleeping, and my overall general anxious and neurotic nature. About as good a combination as cocaine, crystal meth and ether.
Ok, so it really wasn’t as bad as all that, but I do love Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas and did feel pretty….dark.
I read The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. This memoir of the year following the death of her husband of 40 years was amazing. It’s basically written as a diary but also manages to describe the more general ways in which humans deal with grief and mourning, without turning into a self-help book.
During this year, in fact beginning 5 days before her husband died, her adult daughter was also seriously ill. She recovered before the end of the year covered in the book, much to my relief. I don’t know how the author made it through that year, although she does explain it in great personal detail. I won’t say anymore about the book in case you haven’t read it yet.
In any case, she talks a lot about self-pity and how we hate feeling self-pity which just causes guilt that results in more self-pity. It’s a vicious circle of fear and loathing. No, no one died in my life, so I’m not comparing my little bout with self-pity to hers. It’s just that reading her tragic account led me to feel guilty about the things I worry about and that led to my sleep-deprived-pity-party.
I’m glad I didn’t post about it at the time. I snapped out of it pretty quickly after talking to a few friends, reading and setting up a job interview. It actually turned out to be a good day with unseasonably nice weather too. Today is another beautiful day here and I got sleep so I’m back to normal (as normal as I get anyway). I always love a happy ending.
I’ve always wanted to read Joan Didion’s works, I’ve heard such great things about her. I don’t know if I would have the strength to read this one though–it sounds so horribly sad. And coming on top of today’s news about Natasha Richardson, I am definitely not in the mind set to read it. I don’t know why I get so upset when celebrities have tragic thing occur.. it’s not like I know them..but I do:( Anyways… there’s my randomness for the day:)
I’m glad you’re feeling better & keep us posted on how the job interview goes!! Off to take another pain pill… oh Lordy…. lala land, here I come:)
You’ve read my blog sooooo you know I was in the throws of a full week’s pity party last week. lol So I can relate. At least you snapped back to sanity within 24 hours =) I am a very senitive and emotional person, mostly happy but when a cloud appears, I can sure let it overstay its welcome. I will be posting more soon, I need to get back to my former hilarious self =P
When I find myself in these places I usually realize I am suffering from ‘wanting’ … wanting anything to be different. “If it wasn’t for the car repair, I might be able to complete this dental work.” Stuff like this. If I want things to be different than they are I end up suffering. Silly reminders show up for me that bring me out of a stew … like, the hot bath I can draw in ten minutes. Now, if I lived in Africa I would have to travel far to find clean water just to drink. Ding, ding, ding … reality chimes in that speaks so loudly. What I have at this very moment it’s just so very wonderful.
Like right now. It’s perfectly amazing that we can communicate with one another like this.
And thank goodness for the coffee on my desk that came from Kenya … with a teaspoon of sugar from Hawaii. OMG All this for me.
You hit the nail on the head there. It all comes back to control. Frustration at not being able to change the things/people that I have no control over. You are right about the solution too….perspective. Well, at least that funk only lasted a few hours. I’m learning…..slowly but surely. Coffee from anywhere is a beautiful thing!