Does "I Do" Mean "You Can't"
“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” — Rainer Maria Rilke
I am always amazed when I hear adults say things such as, “My husband won’t let me go there.”, or “My wife will never let me do that.”. Similarly, I hear things like, “My wife made me go there.”, or “My husband made me do that.”.
At what point in our adult lives do we ever have to give another human being permission to forbid us from doing something or going somewhere or force us to do something or go somewhere? When we get married? I don’t think so.
For example, if I want to go to a friend’s party but my husband does not want to go, I may be disappointed. I can certainly try to talk him into going. I can even beg or promise to do something that he wants me to do in the future. If he’s adamant about not wanting to go, for whatever reason, then he just isn’t going. Period. I can’t say, “You’re going, and that’s final.”. Well, I guess I could say that. He’d get a good laugh out of it at least.
I am not his mother. He is not a child. We are adults. If he feels strongly about not wanting to go to the party, then I can choose to go without him or choose to not go at all. If I do choose to go without him, I will probably have a much better time than I would if I had somehow convinced him to go.
Conversely, if I were able to somehow convince him to go with me to the party, he would be resentful. He may even say that I “made” him go. This is even more absurd. One adult does not have the power to “make” another adult do anything.
I hear these types of statements all the time from couples complaining about each other. Of course spouses have to consider each others’ feelings, wants and needs. Of course sacrifices and compromises are made everyday in marriage. That doesn’t change the fact that each person is a whole and separate individual with their own personal power. That doesn’t change the fact that each spouse needs to respect the others’ personal power.
Why do adults allow themselves to fall into this type of relationship? Is it a matter of one-up-man-ship? For instance…if I go to this party against my will to appease her then I will have something to hold over her head the next time she doesn’t want to do something that I want to do. Or maybe it’s, if I go to this party against my will to appease her then I can really let her have it on the way home if it’s boring.
This all seems to come back to control. Control and manipulation of another person. The person you’ve pledged eternal love to and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life! Who wants to spend the rest of their lives under the thumb of a parent figure? Isn’t that why we all left home….to be independent? As the quote at the beginning of this post implies, marriage is about supporting each other’s, and even cherishing each other’s individuality, power and freedom.
Thanks for stopping by!
Good thoughts! I enjoyed reading your post!
I used to work at a custom framing place, where it could get really expensive. I can’t tell you the amount of times a customer would say “Well- I’d like that one, but my spouse would never let me … so I’ll just get that one.” Or– they’d leave the order on hold and go ask the spouse, and call us later or come back to then say the order was ok to process.
On many occasions this absolutely flabbergasted me! Especially if it was the case of money and if it was a man. Um.. excuse me buddy, don’t you go to work and bring home the bacon? This is your money, your income, and you’re saying you’re not allowed -by your wife- to spend it how you please?
Very, very odd. I hope I never say things like this, or that I make Johnny feel like he has to say things like this.
Really nice post!
Well said! I knew me and my partner couldn’t have been alone in the world
Exactly my thoughts! It’s good to make mutual decisions, but a healthy adult relationship should never have one partner “allowing” or “forbidding” the other to do something. Consulting with a partner on the financial feasibility of doing something may be another matter.