The Pieces Just Don't Fit
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung
Have you ever wanted something (a job opportunity, relationship, etc.) to work out so badly that you completely overlook red flags indicating that it isn’t all you want it to be? I’ve posted about expectations before, and that has a lot to do with trying to make a person or situation work despite having clear evidence that it will not. Having said that, IMHO, it has even more to do with “splitting”. This is a psychological term, of course. As defined by the DSM-IV TR….
Splitting
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by compartmentalizing opposite affect states and failing to integrate the positive and negative qualities of the self or others into cohesive images. Because ambivalent affects cannot be experienced simultaneously, more balanced views and expectations of self or others are excluded from emotional awareness. Self and object images tend to alternate between polar opposites: exclusively loving, powerful, worthy, nurturant, and kind–or exclusively bad, hateful, angry, destructive, rejecting, or worthless.
I SO do this, although I’m getting better at recognizing and stopping it. These days, I have a harder time stopping this when evaluating myself than I do with others, relationships or situations.
I was considering a job opportunity that I KNEW wasn’t right for me. It had it’s perks, though, and they were good ones. In the past, I may have just jumped in, only to be disappointed later. Luckily, this time, I realized I was trying to make this a good fit even though it wasn’t.
Having said that, I still wasn’t ready to let go of it completely. I needed concrete evidence so I dug deeper, researched and reached out to others for more information. I got my concrete evidence. In hindsight, the extra effort to convince myself of what I already knew seems like a complete waste of time and energy. I’m still glad I did it. It helped prove to me that I can trust my instincts and that I am conscious of my tendency to split.
Splitting is even more damaging in relationships. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, we completely ignore any signs that we are not compatible because it’s so exciting and feels great. Later, when reality sets in we are shocked and disappointed.
I did this in my marriage, well past the point at which the new-ness had worn off. My hubby is a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but as has been well documented here, we’ve had some problems. I completely ignored his troubling behaviors and decisions, despite the consequences that resulted, for TEN YEARS. I also completely ignored my own troubling behaviors and decisions for TEN YEARS. All of this in an effort to keep all the pieces together.
When that house of cards came tumbling down, it was a mess! It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me and us as a couple, but it wasn’t pretty at the time. Turning down this job opportunity was much less difficult than that AND less difficult than it would have been to get out of later if I had accepted it now. Yay, progress!
Thanks for stopping by!
Reminds me of Joseph Campbell … “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
On the subject of death and re-birth, he says: “If you want resurrection, you must have crucifixion.” Which reminds me of HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO LET GO OF AN OLD IDENTITY ESPECIALLY IF THE WORLD BELIEVES YOU SHOULD NOT LET GO OF IT.
Which now reminds me of shedding old skin and the bitch I am.
I ended up in some terrible marriages knowing somehow that it was wrong from the beginning. It’s great that you are able to step back and analyze your process. I’ve avoided relationships because of my lack of good judgment. What I’m really avoiding is the whole, they wear me down til I say yes, thing…
I’m glad you didn’t waste away in a job you didn’t like.
my compartment walls are crashing in, and i am in a state of disassembly…. i know and hope that with a mindful and diligent effort, i can pull it all back together in the right configuration, and be a whole person. that is my goal. your post is a reminder that it is possible to get there.
thank you.
Let me know when you need a test subject to disect for one of your psychology classes. I think I would be a good case study for you!
It blows me away how I can be contemplating something and then it shows up on your blog…..
It happens to all of us. I enjoyed Carl Jung’s quotation at the begining of the post…It’s absolutely true!
I LOVE the 1st quote, and I am a quote-a-holic.
You may have actually just led me to my next blog post, if I haven’t already written one on this subject….I’ll have to check. You used my #1 most hated word in the English language…SHOULD. I know I’ve said this on here before, and feel free to quote me, “FUCK SHOULD!”.
Bitch on sister!
Oh brother, the whole, they wear me down until I say yes thing…..very familiar with that one. I may have to write a post about that too.
Cool, I keep that in mind! I’m truly fascinated by the way “normal” people think, make decisions and behave.
I know what you mean. It happens a lot with bloggers that follow each other….great minds think alike!