State Of The Union
It seems that hubby and I have reached a turning point. A year ago we were separated and were only communicating via e-mail and in weekly (horrific) marriage counseling sessions. We couldn’t agree on anything and couldn’t have a conversation without it evolving into an ugly, disastrous argument.
Our issues ran deep. They were big. We both brought considerable baggage into our relationship and then proceeded to create mountains of additional baggage together. Our conflicts were about trust, control, manipulation, dysfunctional patterns of behavior and years and years of repressed anger and resentment. Getting to the bottom of those mountains of baggage was painful and loud. Horrible things were said. I was 99% certain that we would never be able to reach any resolution and that we would end up divorced.
Luckily I was wrong. We actually got rid of all of that baggage. Two marriage counselors and a five month separation later, we could actually stand to be in the same room together. We could communicate without screaming, even during conflict, and we learned to understand each others’ points of view.
Amazing.
I realized yesterday that our biggest “conflicts” right now, and even the best of marriages have some conflict, are division of household chores and how to manage the checkbook. How blissfully garden-variety, boring, average and normal these conflicts are! I almost enjoy them. It means that we have so successfully worked through the huge problems from the past that we are focusing on everyday issues that just about every couple in the world has argued about for centuries.
Just for fun, I think I may start an argument over the toothpaste cap tomorrow. 
Thanks for stopping by!
How refreshing to hear! I’m so proud of you for not being one of the 50% that just throws in the towel and actually fought for your relationship! It’s great to hear nowadays.
I admire this state of realness … the stuff songs are made of. Right now, I can’t see past the tears in my eyes.
i am fighting and i am losing… a decade spent trying, really really trying, and almost four years of counseling….
i am so happy for you, really and truly. you took action before it was really too late.
my husband refused to acknowledge we needed to take action, and he has completely checked out emotionally for over a decade. even now, he “hopes” we won’t split up, but makes no efforts to make that “hope” a reality.
neither direction is easy — giving up and letting go is excruciating and painful and very very hard. but so is staying. and leaving presents the possibility that my life may improve. staying it will not, it will only remain the same if not worse.
but congratulations on winning your marriage back!!! i wish i were in your shoes
Awesome.
Congrat’s! My husband and I have been married since 1967. I know I could never count up the times I wanted to call it quits. I believe, mostly due to my own insecurities. My husband is a loving man but he has this habit of wanting to correct you or give constructive, helpful, advice. I don’t take that well, especially from my spouse.
I am a believer, not only in Christ but in the unity of Marriage. I also believe that people will take their bad habits or baggage along where ever they go. It takes a lot of work to make relationships work. It is all about communication, communication and communication. No matter where we go, we will have to work on ourself, first and foremost!
You did it! And, you will continue and continue to do it.
Best to you,
Sandy
p.s. thanks for my review @ Link Referral.
wow what a great story. thanks for sharing it. my husband and i have been through our hardest season this past year. we are walking through it but it isn’t easy. your post today was encouraging.
It makes my heart happy to read this, and gives me faith that people DO stay married in this world. My husband and I dated for seven years, had two kids together, bought a house, and just finally got married this past summer. And although the majority of people in my life could not understand why I wasn’t racing to the altar, it really boiled down to this one reason:
I wanted to be so darn sure of wanting to spend the rest of my life with him that I knew, without a doubt, that when the going got tough (as it inevitably will), that I would be willing to fight for it.
You fought for it.
I so admire that.
Thank you! Believe me, we almost did, many times. It would have been a lot easier but it was so worth it.
I know, and I can’t sympathize enough. Wish I could sit in your kitchen, get drunk and give you a big hug while you spill it all over and over again.
The big secret……honestly…..stop fighting for your marriage. Start focusing on fighting for yourself. Everything else will fall into place, with or without him.