Consequences
Growing up, my parents set unrealistic expectations for me and then doled out excessive punishments (consequences) for failing to meet those expectations. I never learned that I was entitled to freedom, or anything else for that matter. While this method of parenting is damaging in many ways, it did teach me how to make decisions based, at least in part, on examining the possible consequences of those actions, which has served me well. It also insured that I don’t have some unrealistic sense of entitlement, which is also a good thing.
Just so there is no misunderstanding regarding what I’m talking about, some definitions from dictionary.com:
expectation
noun
1. belief about (or mental picture of) the future
2. anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
consequence
noun
1. the effect, result or outcome of something occurring earlier
2. act or instance of following something as a result or outcome
entitled
adjective
qualified for by right according to law; “we are all entitled to equal protection under the law”
As a parent, I try to teach my kids the lessons I learned in a more healthy way than mine did. No, I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I’m sure my kids will be blogging about how my failings as a parent negatively affected them in 20 years! I’m just saying that I try. I do the best I can to not be like my parents, but to also not go to the other extreme just for the sake of not being like my parents.
To me, that other extreme is parenting without limits. Complete permissiveness. I’m sure you’ve encountered parents like this. Their child does something they shouldn’t do and the parent either completely ignores it (while all the other adults in the room are dying to strangle the little brat) or keeps threatening the child with consequences but never follows through (while all the other adults in the room are dying to strangle the parent).
My thinking on this is that the end result for these kids, once they become adults, is that they have no decision making abilities and a strong sense of entitlement. Let me explain. They do not learn to have expectations for themselves, since none were set for them (they aren’t expected to behave properly). They do not learn that there are consequences for their actions (the parent doesn’t follow through with providing consequences for their behavior). Doesn’t this inherently instill the sense of entitlement? I would imagine that this child, as an adult, has this “tape” recorded in their subconscious, “Nothing is expected of me, therefore I do not need to try to succeed. There are no consequences for my decisions or actions, therefore I am “free” to do whatever I want in the moment with no consideration for how those decisions and actions will affect myself or others. I am entitled to getting whatever I want, without any conscious effort on my part.”.
Following that line of thinking, won’t these adults, when confronted with the inevitable adult consequences, blame others? The “establishment”, thier partners, their kids, the universe, God, etc. Without some serious self-examination, won’t they continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over and learn no lessons from them? What will it take to get them to a point of self-examination? A major loss or multiple major losses, “hitting bottom” (getting fired, divorced, thrown in jail, etc.)?
Thanks for stopping by!
Look at how Philippine government promote corruption and see if self examination will work.
Perfect! Love this post!
I’m going to come here for my political info from now on. Much better than CNN. And I can only stand to watch it once a week so I’m kinda outofit.
Consequences. I love the title! Children learning there is reward and punishment for their actions is so tied to the term ‘civil.’ Our society depends on it. And that is the work of a mother.
We live by the principle of respect.
Complete permissiveness (to do whatever you want no matter what)is not respectful to others.
I do say YES to my kids as much as possible and give them freedom to make their own choices.
And by living with respect and choice they do make good decisions.
You are so right. I’m not perfect either, but my kids learned to respect the rights of others and to work for things they want. That’s the duty of a parent–to teach those things. I see so many kids not raised that way–and the horrible consequences of it.