Flying Solo ~ Part I

2008 November 21

“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” — Janet Fitch (White Oleander)

I started this blog by saying that women sometimes lose themselves when they become Moms, giving up a lot of their other roles, thinking that’s what “good” Moms are “supposed” to do. I do believe that happens to many many women. In my case though, I believe that I lost myself long before I became a mom. In fact, I believe that I never really knew myself at all.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Emotions, other than cheerfulness, were not to be expressed. Family secrets were to be kept. Pretending and keeping up appearances were of utmost importance. There were no boundaries. There was no unconditional love and no affection. There was abuse. There was an expectation of perfection. I grew up believing that I didn’t matter and was only worthy of the positvie regard of others when I was doing something for someone else, fixing someone else’s problem or achieving. Not knowing any better, I carried these beliefs into my adult life and behaved accordingly.

When I finally came to the realization that this was all nonsense and that the results of these beliefs were that I was unable to feel anything (besides other people’s pain), unable to know what my own wants and needs were, and that I am worthy of love and affection just because I exist, I was SHOCKED. I had to find myself, get to know myself, learn how to feel, learn how to express those feelings, and learn what my own wants and needs were and how I could get them met.

This was overwhelming to me, to put it mildly. It was as if I had been living in a clueless cloud my entire life. And I was. That cloud is called denial. To be yanked out of denial and into self-awareness is a traumatic experience. I felt stupid, embarrassed, guilty, crazy, angry, weak, sad, confused, betrayed, used, scared, and very very depressed and anxious.

Luckily, I also felt enlightened, smart, hopeful, excited, proud, empowered, strong and grateful. These positive feelings helped me to set upon a course of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-improvement. <insert more psycho-babble here>. But seriously, I did. After considerable soul-searching, reading, therapy, drugs (prescription, not recreational….well, not a LOT of recreational), good decisions, bad decisions, long talks with my sister, hubby and friends, insomnia, drinking, more reading, more soul-searching and more long discussions, I finally felt like I was at least on the right path.

Inspired by one of the silliest, profound, fun, enlightening, goofy, and wonderful books I have ever had the pleasure of reading; Succulent Wild Woman by SARK, I decided to go on a trip…alone. This was HUGE for me. Some of you may be into extreme sports or may have tried bungee jumping. Me? No. I was NOT a risk-taker. Remember, I was a people-pleasing, co-dependent. I did the “right” thing or the “good” thing or what I thought others expected of me my whole life. I had rarely eaten in restaurants alone, and even then, only when I was forced to because I was on a business trip, and I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I had never seen a movie alone. So, for you, me deciding to go on a trip alone may sound boring, but for me, it was a very big deal.

I wasn’t changing my mind. I was going on a trip. I just had to figure out when, and where….